The Aftermath

So, I was definitely sore yesterday. My shoulders, elbows, and right leg (the one I drive with) were all definitely screaming. Especially that leg. However, it was hurting before I crashed, so I'm thinking I just compounded something. Either way, after sitting for two hours watching the production of Beauty and the Beast, I was having a little difficulty walking because it just was stiff and didn't want to support me. >.< Probably a good thing I couldn't do any photography. Well, until the end.

I'll tell you what though, Village Photo ripped my idea for shooting the dress rehearsal and then selling back to the parents the nights of the production. And from what my sister told me, they were real assholes about it. That, and listening, some people weren't too happy with how the photos came out. I know what brief glance I was able to get at them, they seemed underexposed and poorly captured. But then again, this is the same place that did my senior portraits (because Mom didn't know any better even though I warned her that they were going to be crap) and bombed them. I swear that all they do is hand anyone who applies a DSLR and teach them how to pose people. They don't even do a good job retouching. Sadly though, I wasn't able to make it over to their little table since I had other matters to attend to, and unlike me, they were long gone by the end of the production, and missing out on those possible sales. Oh well. And the fools didn't even put their business name with the photos. But, I digress, had I been able to be back here three days ago, that would have been me.

But anyways, they did a beautiful job with the play, and now that I watched it as an adult of sorts, I can appreciate all the innuendos and puns and jokes that it had to offer. There really are some severely raunchy moments! Hahaha, oh well, it was worth it. And not only did I get to see the production and be proud of my sister, but I was able to see a lot of my friends as well, who I have been missing sorely while I've been in MA. Man, seeing them again really makes me not want to return. I miss them all a lot.

However, I may have a week to spend with them if I can't find a way to get back. Dad thinks I should use a rental car, but I really don't know if I'm comfortable with that. I'm still a bit shakey to get back on the highway though, guess it's to be expected. Still, I won't let it stop me because the accident was bound to happen. With this many cars on the road, everyone will probably have at least one major accident in their life, and that was mine. And out of how many times I've driven from MA to NY and vise-versa, I'm surprised it hadn't happened sooner. But yeah, I'm working on finding transportation back, and then I need to earn enough money to purchase a new used-car, because the Oldsmobile just isn't long for this world. I was kind of hoping to make it through summer with it though. Also means I might have to wait a couple years on opening my own studio, since I have some new priorities. Oy... and I was looking forward to that too. Oh well, I'll still freelance.

And at least I know one place I won't go: Village Photo. >.<

Accidents Happen

So tonight driving home to NY from MA, I was in my first serious accident. And it couldn't have the courtesy to happen on a normal road, no, I hit black ice at 50mph on the highway. And not just any highway, the Northway. It was right after I crossed the bridge over the Hudson. Like, right after. I hadn't been off the bridge two seconds and I lost control of my vehicle. It was snowing (yup, snow in the end of March. >.<) so the roads were wet and covered with a dusting of white, but seriously that's something you drive through often. I spun though, and kissed the guard rail before weaving back and forth across three lanes of traffic and making a 180, kissing the guard rail again with my back bumper and stopping. I forgot everything I had learned in defensive driving about not using my brakes, and just held that pedal flat to the floor. In reality it only makes things worse. Once you start sliding on ice though, there's no stopping. The only thing I did remember was to point my wheels in the direction I wanted to go. I pulled over, and called my Dad right after. I was definitely shaken up, but unhurt. And I limped it down to the rest area two miles away, where a kind gentleman helped me tie my bumper back together so I wasn't dragging it, and I proceeded to drive home.

The damage isn't too bad, but because everything was pushed back I cannot open the driver's door. I lost the front directional on the driver's side, and smashed that light up pretty bad, but the headlight still works. The bumper is definitely broken, and the corner is beat up on the driver's side. All that's wrong with the back is that part of the bumper is loose. I'm sure I have a lot of paint scraped off too, but it was too dark to see since this was at about 10:30pm.

I wasn't the only one who spun, either. The guy behind me spun out as well, but he must have been going slower at seeing me take my spin or something, because he was stopped a good 200ft behind me. About an hour later, when I got off the Northway, and made my way home and such, Dad said that an ambulance and fire crew were called to that exact spot for a vehicle crash with injuries. And we know the time because I called him when I got off the highway to let him know where I was. So it looks like that is definitely a trouble spot that needs to be watched carefully.

I'm definitely thankful though, because the air bag didn't deploy, and I wasn't hit by other traffic. I remember thinking to myself as I was trying to control my car "Oh shit someone is going to T-bone me for sure!", but no one did. I was very, very lucky.

And the hell I'm reporting this, since it's illegal to hit the guardrail (stupid law or what?), because I'll get ticketed for "imprudent speed for weather conditions". Bull shit I was going too fast. Let me review this accident one more time:

I'm going straight at 50mph in a 55mph zone. I hit black ice, while going straight, and I either tapped the brakes before or after I started spinning, I can't remember. But either way, I spun out while going straight. Which means that I must have turned just a little bit, because the highway was going straight, and there was enough of an ice buildup to send me and the guy behind me spinning. While going straight!!!

Of course tough, the state will never take liability for it. Stupid government. Imprudent speed my ass.

But like I said, I'm fine. I expect I'll be sore tomorrow since I was probably stiff-limbed when I connected with the guardrail and might have jammed my joints a bit, but I didn't bounce a lot and I didn't kiss the steering wheel, so I'm good. The big question now is, how the hell do I get back to MA for class on Monday? I'm either going to be stuck in NY, or I might have to steal my Dad's truck. Oy...

We shall see. >.<

The Battle Ensues

So in the battle of Sam -vs- The Cold of the Century, the scoreboard is looking tipsy at 3:4.

The stupid cold totally kicked my ass, kept me from getting stuff done on vacation, made me miss school, and now it's given me a headache and nausea. x_x

What have I done? Slept, drank cold medicine, and just now I took some Advil. Oy.

And not even regular Advil, oh no, my pretty children's-strength stuff. Because my tolerance for medicine=0, and so I don't even take the same dosage as a six-year old. Pathetic.

I still have about an hour before I absolutely have to leave for classes though, so if at all possible I'm going to try and rest to get rid of this damn thing. Haven't had much luck with the resting thing for the past hour and a half, but hey, I have a half hour to fourty-five more minutes to try, so why not? Provided the meds kick in nicely, I'll be fine.

That, and the coughing fits need to stop. >.<

Auuuugh!

What good is breathing and not having a sore throat if you're still coughing and can't concentrate due to a headache that induces nausea? I think I preferred the stuffy nose and sneezing. >.<

*shakefist* Stupid cold!

Idea Generating Speed?

Man, I am on a ROLL tonight! I feel like I am on idea-generating speed or something! Last phase I kind of was haphazardly trudging through, and not having much inspiration (winter time blues+depression anyone?), but this phase it's like BAM! Explosion! Massive amounts of ideas, bludgeoning me over the head in an effort to get noticed! And I love all ideas, so I've been recording them. But not only that, I've taken it one step further. I'm acting on them too, and making plans way ahead of time! Thanks to spring, I don't have to really worry about the weather anymore to stop me from getting places. So I can make more plans this time!

And tonight alone, I've sent out tons of emails asking people, and called a bunch of my family for stuff. One thing I can't mention though because it's to be a surprise for mother's day. ^_~ But I may already have two or three assignments lined up, plus three or four, possibly five in the making.

I will totally be bothering Rich tomorrow with these ideas.

I AM SO EXCITED!!!!

New Workload and Porfolio Judges

So on Monday we got our final workload, we found out when our portfolios are going to be judged to determine if we pass or fail (well, first we'd go to re-review which would mean we wouldn't find out until the day before graduation if we made it), and who will be judging them.

So let's start this off with a bang! This year, for the Hallmark class of 2008, the amazing people responsible for our futures are...

[insert drum roll here]

Beth Reynolds
Barbara Bordnick
David Turner

I think I about DIED with joy. The one I don't care much for is not on the panel, and I highly admire both Beth and Barbara. Sadly, I missed David's due to illness, but I am sure he is amazing as well.

My portfolio is going up to be judged on June 2nd and 3rd. Ohmigosh!!! OwO This is EXTREMELY exciting! Not only does this signal the beginning of my career as a professional, it has also helped me prove to myself that I can be self-supportive (in a way) and that I can be the mature adult I was afraid would never surface. Hallmark has been wonderful for me on more life levels than I can count and name. Wow.

What's also cool, is that we can have someone there when they go one-on-one with us to discuss our portfolios; to take notes and hold our hand. I was debating between my parents and Miss. Mierzwa, but after talking to my mom we both decided I should ask Miss. M first since she got me into this. I would really like her to be there to see just how far I've come with it all. ^^

Now, onto the icky part... the assignments. Though, I have to say, I had a major brainstorming session during the commercial lecture I was only half-listening to, since I'm entering portraits and weddings (aka I listened to the stuff that pertained to the mandatories, and to Dick's words of wisdom and really funny stories, and jotted notes on ideas for the rest) and won't be doing as much commercial stuff. So I am feeling pretty good with this. Even have an idea for a conceptual still life!! Whoo whoo!!! \OwO/

Anywho, here is that list of assignments.

Mandatories

• PR + Alternative
• In-home Family Portrait
• Occupational Environmental Portrait (25+ years old)
• High Key Female (18+ years old)
• Low Key Male B+W (18+ years old)
• Couple Portrait
• Child Portrait (8- years old)
• Outdoor Portrait
• Pop 'n Drops
• Conceptual Still Life
• Reflective Metal
• Glassware
• Advertisement Illustration
• Interior Architecture
• Digital Alteration
• Environmental Still Life
• Self-Promotional DVD Booklet
• Digital Portfolio on DVD
• Personal Website
• PDF Portfolio to School Dropbox
• Six Additional Personal Submissions

Then there are electives, which are different depending on what kind of portfolio you chose to specialize in. I'm going for Portraiture and Weddings, so I am doing six of those electives and avoiding the five with one Imaging Arts, because I know that's not my strong point. I have a friend who I'd much rather pay to help me, or do it in exchange for her senior photos, then make my own self promotional stuff; because I am really not good at that stuff at all. So I'm going to list all the electives I had to chose from, and the non-italicized ones are the ones I chose, though I may do extra if the urge strikes me.

Electives

• Athlete in the Environment
• Portrait of 2+ Children (12- years old)
• Executive Portrait in the Office
• Formal Bride and Groom
• Family Portrait in the Environment
• Pet Portraiture
• Portrait of Pet and Owner
• Portrait of a Teenager (12-18 years old)
• Non-Family Related Group (5+ people)
• Portrait of a Man or Woman with Natural Light (30+ years old)
• Model Portfolio (4 Unique Images)
• Person in Action (Frozen or Shown)

And there you have it. Welcome to Phase IV!

Cold of the Century

I have the cold of the century, and it is kicking my ass. Severely. I've had to leave school early for the past two days because of it, and I've been wicked lethargic and sleeping all the time it seems. I went from mental illness to physical... if it's not one thing, it's another. Fever, sore throat (that's gone now thank god), stuffy nose, watery eyes, pain in my ears... what haven't I got? >.< It's to the point that I'm not taking measured doses of Children's Benadryl Allergy, I'm drinking it straight from the bottle. Probably not the safest of things, but since four teaspoons is only 50mg, I don't see myself overdosing all that easily, especially since it doesn't exactly taste like a chocolate milk shake.

I really want the lethargic feelings to stop though, because they're messing things up even worse. Like, driving home today was bad. I know I drove home, I must have because here I am, but I don't remember it. I do remember feeling like I shouldn't have been driving though, because I was so out of it with the cold. And the medicine can't even be blamed because I hadn't taken any since 4am. It was well out of my system. You better believe I took some when I got home though, and crashed until 5:30pm. So if it happens again tomorrow, and I start feeling out-of-sorts, I'm not waiting until I'll be a danger on the road. That was a really bad decision on my part. >.O

And when I say I've been sleeping too much, I really mean it. I slept in four hour bursts Sunday, woke up nauseated most of the time from a post-nasal-drip thing, and then drove in at 4am Monday. I had been up since 2:0am though. I went to school for the morning yesterday, but at 12:30 I went home, and there was just no going back. That's when I started with the meds. I slept until 7:30, was up until 8:30, and went back to sleep. Needless to say I was back up at 2am. And when I got home around noon today, I slept until 5:30pm when I forced myself to get up and stay awake. I'm gonna crash again soon though, since I need to. @_@ Waaaaay too much sleep.

So yeah... don't catch this highly contagious cold. It sucks. And I think the whole of Hallmark is gonna get it eventually. >.<

All I can say is that it does have one good benefit. If someone I don't particularly care for gets too close, all I have to do is sneeze and they will run for their health, because this is like the ULTIMATE germ. x'D

If Sharing is Caring then Leave Me Out of It

All right, I know sharing is caring, but I'd rather be hated than have these germs shared with me. >.< Yeah... I'm sick. Caught the stupid cold that my Mom and Dad have, and have been stuck with it for the last half of my vacation. WHICH ROYALLY SUCKS! D: I slept more hours than I was awake, and have been lethargic in bed with my laptop reading stories people on the internet wrote since I finished the two books and three manga I brought home with me.

I really, really hate being sick. But I hate being sick and on happy pills at the same time though, because they jip me of some of my miserableness. When I'm sick, I want to be good and miserable!!! >.< I suppose no one else does, but they're supposed to go hand-in-hand. And then when you get healthy, you get happy, and it feels like a super awesome reward! The meds are totally ripping me off. *shakes fist*

Oh well, I need the meds though, so I guess I'll deal and eat a freezer pop. Those things are so good when you have a sore throat.

So I'm off... to go pack or something. Have a wonderful Easter, and I'll be back come the beginning of Phase IV on Monday!

THREE MONTHS TO GO! WHOO! \OwO/

Coveting my Artistic Talents

So as I'm sitting here, plying more karaoke with my sister (got the new discs! :D), I have found out that the music teacher, Miss. Payeur at my old High School, has coveted my artistic talents to help with set production for their performance of Beauty and the Beast. xD My sister says she was going on about photography first, and then the sets were brought up and Mia reminded her that I took a ton of art classes. Ahahaha, my name lives on in that school. So I might not only be doing photos, but sets. x'D Man... I can't believe I'm still necessary. Would have thought that someone else had been able to step in. Guess not. So tomorrow from 10-4 I might do sets. Maybe. Who knows. Depends on if I can wake up. xD I do like my sleep on these vacations... when I'm not staying up for 22 hours straight to read an 850-something page webcomic... >.> I am such a r-tard sometimes. Haha But it's fun.

So now that I've typed up this entry between songs, I'm gonna go back to trying to kick my sister's butt. She was definitely the one gifted with the singing talents, but I can hum my way through a song something fierce. Hahaha

And yeah, the pills are really starting to kick in. :D

Welcome Back Nocturnal Creature

So here we go again, sorting out the meds and how they're going to effect my system. Looks like I cannot take them at night anymore, unless I am immediately going to bed; because they will make me drowsy at first, and then they fill me full of energy, and I am hyper and awake. Which is evident by my need to bounce my leg and/or fidget. So because of that, and my mother's paranoia that I would forget (can't blame her), I was taking them fairly early in the night... and then became unable to sleep. Well, we're going to start trying taking them in the morning, but I'm still all turned around and living a fairly nocturnal life right now. Ugh. Not good. So I have to fix that. At least I'm on vacation.

Speaking of vacation... I played eleven straight hours of karaoke yesterday, before I finally stopped. And another three hours today. I think I'm obsessed and addicted... haha. I can't wait for the other ones I ordered to get here!

Can't just play karaoke all vacation though, so I'll eventually go out and do some photography. It's just been pretty miserable weather here so far. Blah. If I don't really have to shoot in it, I won't this time of year. Too cold, too icey, too dangerous.

So, lets hope for better weather! And the other games! :D

Things are Looking Up

So I went and saw Tammy, got the leave of absence, and then left Massachusetts for New York to see the doctor. We talked things over, and we're going to stick with the dosage I have. Turns out that getting back on them may take longer than the first time, and I could have these lows with them. However, just in case I have another follow-up appointment in a month. And if things get too low, not only can I go back to Tammy, but I am to call the doctor so we can do something about it. She can raise my prescription over the phone with the pharmacy and stuff, so we will get it all straightened out. Which I am really, really glad for. I hate being that down.

Now that I am home, we have spring break next week. Which is awesome, because I can catch up with my friends. But what I am addicted to right now is Karaoke Revolution. And there is like... a party of it going on at the moment. I'm typing between songs. x'D We have my whole family singing, plus a friend of the family and her son. Haha, it is awesome. And tomorrow, my sister and I are going to go pick up some friends, and we're really gonna have a party! WHOOO BABY!

Our favourite part though, is listening to the reviews since this is the American Idol version. They're too funny. One that my Mom got from Simon went:
"Count 20 cats, put the cats in a sack, shake the bag, and that's what you sounded like."
The son of the family friend got:
"Someone needs to make you singing in public illegal."

Just... sooooo funny. x'D

We're having a blast. I've been playing for seven hours straight now. Hehe.

Can't wait for the original Karaoke Revolutions to get in. ^^

Meds not Working...?

I don't think the meds are doing what they're supposed to be doing anymore. I've been taking them for about five days straight now, and so I should be feeling the effects slightly, but instead things just feel like they're getting worse. It's back to the point that I'm becoming suicidal as well, so I really think I'm going to be placing a call in to Tammy tomorrow, because I can't keep going like this. Some might argue that five days isn't long enough, but at the very least that would have been plenty of time for the pills to at least stop the dpression from worsening. So something is wrong. I highly doubt I'd ever actually be able to take my own life, but I still remember where these emotions sent me two years ago, and I don't plan on letting them take me back there. So yeah, a call in to Tammy is necessary so that we can discuss the next step. I don't want to leave Hallmark, because I really want to graduate, but something has to be done.

I did therapy before, with both a school social worker, and another social worker. The school social worker was the only one who helped me feel better though, as the other one basically told me to drop out of high school and get a job. Dropped her after three sessions. So... I'm very wary of therapy.

That's about when I got the anti-depressants. Contrary to popular belief, they didn't make me hallucinate, nor see crazy things. I didn't hear voices, nor did they mess me up. They didn't make me more suicidal, and I didn't become narcoleptic. None of that crazy nonsense that people are paranoid about with them happened to me. They really did help, and they kicked in after a week. However, I eventually had to up the dosage. I went from 25mg of Zoloft, to 50mg, which is where I am now. So it's not some horrible amount.

Anyways, enough of my rambling. I'm definitely not okay. In fact, I'm as far from okay as I can possibly get without being actively self-destructive. So a call to the doctor is in order as well.

Oh, and on a side note, I made it back to MA. Alternator seems to be doing good. Must have just been wet. At least that's doing good.

Just Can't Catch a Break

I feel like I just can't catch a break. I came home this weekend to do some shooting for my stuff that's due on Friday, but it has been nasty and rainy all day. So I drove and scouted to see what things were doing around here since I needed to know what roads were impassable from the weather at least today, and tomorrow since it's only supposed to snow maybe I'll get some shooting done.

However, while I was driving home this evening from running some errands, my high beams started to dim on me, and then brighten back up. That's not a good sign, and according to my Dad, it means my alternator could have gone bad. Shouldn't have, since it's only two years old, if that. The other option is that it's just wet, which is what I'm hoping for, or my car has to go back to the shop... again.

The other reason I came back to NY though, and the biggest one, is because I really needed to see my family, what with all this depression stuff that's going on. But to be stranded here is freaking me out because I have a presentation on Monday that can make or break me. And I already feel bad about that because since the depression screwed me over so badly this past week, I've really not been able to help my group. Like... I am hating myself for this so badly. I just... I totally let my group down and I'm beating myself up over it. I feel really, really horrible about it. And to miss Monday too... unforgivable. I wouldn't blame any of them if they never spoke to me again.

But yeah... I have no idea if I'll even be able to get back into MA tomorrow as planned. It all depends on what my vehicle tells me. If not... well, then Tammy is probably going to get one panicked phone call from me because I have no idea what to do. Things are just really messy... again.

Anyways, I need to try and ignore the fact that the high winds are freaking me out and get some sleep. Cross your fingers and hope for the best for me!

They All Live in Greenfield

So, approximately five minutes ago I was awoken by voices and doorbells, including my own. I opened the door to find a frantic man asking my neighbor (who I hadn't met until today) about a lady who was either Hispanic or Filipino with black hair that lived in our building, who he needed to find. We directed him to the other side, but man is that creepy. He didn't even know her name, or exact description. I didn't really get a good look at him since I was still half asleep, but I can tell you that he had a speech impediment. So no cop calling for me. I'll leave it to my neighbor, should she be creeped out enough.

Greenfield... what am I going to do with you?

Tis the Season

I woke up yesterday, and felt totally nauseated. But I managed to eat (barely) and take my pill.

I woke up today... and it's even worse. If I didn't have such a tolerance built up with my stomach, I probably would have vomited.

I think I might have the flu. Yuck. I'm really hoping it's just a stomach bug though. Really really hoping. Because I have things I need to do, such as go to class, and shoot my personal submissions and self portrait.

Have a lot of that planned out for the weekend, thank goodness.

Friggin' health. Never fails though, never fails. Every year there is one week at the minimum that just gets me, and my body falls to pieces. I think we've found that time. xP

From Ellie

This is a comment, left by Ellie (don't know if that's a real name or not) on "The Root of the Problem". Since there is no cute little "Reply to this person" kind of button, I'll respond in another post, because it's something I feel I need to do.

Ellie Writes:
You are depressed and wake up with bruises on your body after sleep? You may have sleep apnea, which left untreated long enough can lead to depression. That is what happened to me. You could also have nocturnal epilepsy and be having seizures in your sleep which would explain your bruising. "Chemical imbalance" is an overused diagnosis for those of us with issues that look like childhood mental health problems. I suggest that you go to your physician and get a sleep study done.

Thank you for this insight Ellie. I really don't know anything about sleep apnea, and I had never heard until nocturnal seizures until now. But I will look into them for sure, and talk with my doctor about them. I'm not sure if I can do a sleep study just yet, but I will keep that in mind as well. For right now I will have faith in my meds, since they seemed to work last time. But if this could be the trigger to my depression, getting to that would be better than just clearing up the depression.

Thank you very much for your comment. I really appreciate it.

The Root of the Problem

My attendance lately, has been crap. My attention span, has been nonexistent. And my feelings towards life in general, disappearing. But more on that later.

First and foremost, that meeting.

So, I totally have to reshoot everything. :\ Fun. Not really. I'm going to wait and see what our electives are, and then start reshooting. Because right now I have other things I need to be doing. I also got my career business plan back... and while I was fairly upset at the lack of positive comments (I understand I need to see mistakes... but at least give me some hope that I did well in areas...), I was humoured by the lack of understanding about my area. So... win-win for me? No idea. It passed and that's all I care about.

And I was wrong. George Rosa III sat to my left. xD

But it really wasn't as horrid and soul-destroying as I had worked myself up to believe. Thank goodness.

But yeah... gotta reshoot. Blarg.

Anyways, back to my opening. So things have not been happy for me lately, and even though I put the smile on when I'm in school... I'm just not happy. And it's screwing with my health, my education, and my sanity. I finally found my anti-depressants though, so I've been able to start taking them again. Still, it's going to take a little while for them to kick in.

At first I thought it was a cold, but it's not. It's my good ol' depression creeping back up on me, and it's not a good sign. The last time this happened I just stopped going to school, stayed curled up in a dark room unless I was thirsty or had to use the bathroom, I didn't eat, I slept all the time (literally, I was awake maybe five hours a day) or I was nocturnal (sleeping from the hours of 6am to 4pm), I just felt nothing, and I didn't take care of my body. You better believe the idea of suicide was on my mind. But I just could never do that. I tried therapy, but the woman told me to just drop out of school... so I don't do therapists anymore. The pills help though.

So here I am again, back at that ledge where I will fall into the dark water. The question is, will I sink or swim? I've worked so hard to get where I am here at Hallmark, that I really want to swim. And I will regret it if I don't. But there is no way I can do it without my meds, so if they don't kick in I'll have to go see the doctor, and fix the script. And if I do sink, there's going to be no coming back this time I fear. I almost drowned once and barely escaped, I don't know if I could escape again.

In the meantime... I'm not sure. I just have to try and push past the walls depression creates and try to live a life. It'll be a lie, since I will hide behind a smile, but at least it'll be living of some sort. And why smile you ask? Simple, if I don't, people worry way too much. Which makes it seem retarded that I'm posting it on here, but it's really not. Because this is still a part of my experience, and my growth... if you can call it that.

And besides, I'm sick of discussing it with people. I don't want to hear "Well is anything bothering you?" and "Are you sure you're okay?" Let me clear two things up with one simple post that many people can read, so that I don't have to repeat myself.

First off, nothing that I consciously know of is bothering me. I was diagnosed with clinical depression (finally) two years ago, but I've had it for years. I've seen counselors since the 6th grade, even though there has only been one who was actually always there for me when I needed. And I almost checked myself into a psych hospital. But there is nothing bothering me. All we can tell at this point is that it's purely an imbalance of chemicals in my brain, and possibly triggered by some stuff that happened in the past. So please, if you're reading this, don't ask me that.

And secondly, I know I'm not okay. I'll say I'm fine to avoid more questions because when I'm depressed, I cry easily. But if you really want to know, your best bet is to ask me via the computer, because then I don't hate myself as much. I'm not crying over anything worthy, and I really loathe crying in public. I feel very stupid when I cry, so hiding behind my computer helps me. If I ever cry in front of you, you've either gone way too far with something, or I really trust you. Remember that. Unfortunately for you though, it can cause severe mood swings between happy and sad no matter what, and sometimes anger. Normally I'm just apathetic though.

Another thing, I am not a cutter, but I am a subconscious self-harmer. This means that I hurt myself in my sleep when I have no active control over my actions. And the only reason I know this is because I used to wake up to bruises on my body when I had not bumped into anything the day before, nor done anything to cause the bruises. Cuts not so much... but I digress. Those bruises certainly didn't come from the monster that lives under my bed.

So yes, the signs have started appearing again for my depression, and I'm working on getting my meds back under control. My advice to anyone coming here in the future that's on meds: DON'T LOSE THEM. Seriously. I was doing well for a while, and now I am crashing and burning.

That good feeling is an illusion unless the doctor has said you're good to go. And I really fell for it. And now I have to pay for it, big time.

Thankfully, I have never been on academic probation before, so I don't have to worry too much over that.

And there is one person here, Tammy, who is nicknamed "Mom" because she is like the student guidance counselor for us, that I could go to; but I just can't. As nice as she is and as much as she does for us, I just don't feel that certain initial trust connection that I need to have in order to go to someone and spill my guts in depth. And it's not because she's a bad person or anything, it's just my instincts telling me that she's not what I need. Somehow, someway, we would clash and that would be bad. And believe you me, there is a lot more to this than what I have told you here. Those are the basics though, for sure.

So yes, welcome to my crazy screwed up emotions and sanity.

Nerves of Steel... Not.

So today is the day that I go in for the review of my portfolio mandatories... 3:40pm SHARP. We actually were told to be there five minutes prior, and to dress casually, but professionally. Oh. My. God. I have been FREAKING OUT all weekend. It's horrible! I know I shouldn't be so freaked out, because in reality it's just my teachers going over my stuff with me, but rumour has it that George Rosa III (Hallmark's President) will be sitting to my right during this. I haven't gotten solid proof... but the possibility is absolutely deadly on me. And I know, I just KNOW, that I'm going to have a lot of stuff kicked back at me. Why? Because there were a good amount of pieces that I looked at and just didn't feel strongly about at all. Others, however, I loved and I am really hoping that they make it in. So I guess we'll see...

I am so glad I can look forward to seeing my Aunt Kathy and hanging out with her for a while afterwards.

Wish me luck! I'm going to try and not be an insomniac of stress. *twitch* >.o