It's Over

So it's all over. Myself and three others failed the re-review process, and will not be graduating with the class of 2008 at Hallmark. At this point in time, I don't know why I failed. All George was able to tell me was that all five panelists, who were our instructors this time, failed me.

Let's go over the past few days though, before I get into anymore re-review details.

During the last two days I've worked with Rich Barnes on picking out images I had for my portfolio. During the time we also figured out how to crop and tone things, and where other retouching was needed. He offered advice and had me print extra so that we could pick and choose for my additional personal submissions.

After sitting with Rich, I saw David Fraizer about the conceptual. I was supposed to go see Joan, but time was of the essence, and I didn't have hours to sit out in front of that woman's office waiting for her. And that's how it is because she always has a line. I can't even sugar coat this one, because it was bad enough that there were chairs for people to sit in while they waited. So I saw David and we brainstormed. I was going to do ghosts in the graveyard by painting with light and stuff, but upon looking at the criteria, it turns out it had to be done in studio. So I sat for about two hours one night going through conceptual photos on DeviantART (let's face it, there's a vast resource there once you weed through the junk) to get ideas, and finally came up with Dangerous Beauty.

My other issues were mainly commercial, and so I was in the Commercial Studio for hours. Paul Teeling and I worked together on both my metal shot, and on the conceptual one. Dick looked over my architecture, and after determining the dining room wouldn't work he sent me to the Hotel Northampton. So I did that super early in the morning and worked with Dick on that one. And then David Langley and I put together my new environmental still life. Like, David was amazingly helpful. He was explaining new tricks with exposure to me, and what I appreciated the most was that he let me borrow his filters so that we could reduce the glare that was happening and stuff. Like... David helped me make that shot, and I don't mean that lightly. That shot would not be worthy of being seen without his help.

The only person I didn't get to was Tom Purtisto. It came down to the wire Wednesday with printing, and the final bits of retouching, so I wasn't exactly living in the lap of luxury, time wise. What didn't help either, was that my mind was scattered all over from the stress, lack of sleep, and the worry about getting my equipment into Joey by 4pm. He was kind enough to let me slide on it though when I forgot the battery charger that day since I was going through the re-review process. That really took a lot of stress out of my life right then, and gave me an extra 45min to work on my stuff.

So it all came down to the wire, and I laid it out upstairs in the lounge, and myself and instructors put it in order, switched out some personal submissions, and I handed it in.

Re-review was the scariest thing all week. I was shaking something horrible, because that was it. You either passed or failed, day before graduation. Michael Zide stood with me during it, and he seemed impressed by it. He actually seemed shocked when it didn't pass.

That was around 11am. George was kind though, and told me that it wasn't the end of my career. Which, I knew. There is nothing short of severe physical injury that's going to stop me from being a photographer. And self-employed for that. David Fraizer and Shelly were also there to offer their comforts, which is nice. Because I was definitely crying, there was no stopping that. But after I spoke with them, I had to go over to the Administration Building to sign the papers saying I was leaving. What I don't get is why I had to turn in my student ID when it expires after the 20th. That kind of sucked, because I'm a sentimental person and I would have liked to have kept it. But, too late for that now I guess. :\

Andy was there, and he and I chatted for a bit as well. Everyone was very encouraging that this wasn't the end of the world. Which, I definitely knew then and know now. I just needed some time to come home and let it sink in. And call my parents and let them know.

Speaking of my parents, they demanded we head back to the school that afternoon. And my family (Aunt, grandmother, ect...) and friends are a bit up in arms over it as well. But I'll go into that later.

All I know is that all five panelists failed me. And they were Rich, Dick, Tony, Joan, and Tom. From what George said, somehow I didn't meet the artistic or technical expectations. I'm not sure how, but he encouraged us to return next week where he would go over the portfolio picture-by-picture with myself and my parents, and determine where my weaknesses are, and what I can do to improve. So that's definitely nice of him. I can't get my certificate of completion, but at least I'm not being thrown out with nothing. George said it's because I handled it calmly, and he, like everyone else, was then shocked to find out I'm 19. But, I expected that. I've gotten used to it.

I think what stung the most, was letting down those who were cheering me on. I don't know how I do it, but somehow I can put this behind me and move on with ease. My guess is that it'll just hit me slowly. But I have no regrets, because you know what? I made it. I stuck it out through the thick and thin for ten months, the first time ever being on my own, and while I may not have passed, I proved to myself that I can do anything I put my mind to.

But yes, I cannot graduate. I still have the education though, and I will still use it.

I will put some final thoughts and overviews up another day. I need to pack, and start moving back to NY.

Just Can't Win v_v;

So I come home today for lunch, and to pick up stuff to use in the CS, and what do I see but a freaking weather warning! I can't win!

Here's what it says:

" Special Weather Statement

HARTFORD CT-TOLLAND CT-WINDHAM CT- WESTERN FRANKLIN MA- EASTERN FRANKLIN MA-NORTHERN WORCESTER MA-CENTRAL MIDDLESEX MA- WESTERN ESSEX MA-EASTERN ESSEX MA-WESTERN HAMPSHIRE MA- WESTERN HAMPDEN MA-EASTERN HAMPSHIRE MA- EASTERN HAMPDEN MA- SOUTHERN WORCESTER MA-WESTERN NORFOLK MA-SOUTHEAST MIDDLESEX MA- SUFFOLK MA-EASTERN NORFOLK MA-NORTHERN BRISTOL MA- WESTERN PLYMOUTH MA-EASTERN PLYMOUTH MA-NORTHERN MIDDLESEX MA- CHESHIRE NH- EASTERN HILLSBOROUGH NH- WESTERN AND CENTRAL HILLSBOROUGH NH-NORTHWEST PROVIDENCE RI- SOUTHEAST PROVIDENCE RI- WESTERN KENT RI-EASTERN KENT RI- INCLUDING THE CITIES OF...HARTFORD... WINDSOR LOCKS...UNION... VERNON... PUTNAM...WILLIMANTIC...CHARLEMONT... GREENFIELD... ORANGE...BARRE... FITCHBURG...FRAMINGHAM...LOWELL... LAWRENCE... GLOUCESTER... CHESTERFIELD...BLANDFORD...AMHERST... NORTHAMPTON... SPRINGFIELD...MILFORD... WORCESTER...FOXBORO...NORWOOD... CAMBRIDGE...BOSTON...QUINCY... TAUNTON...BROCKTON...PLYMOUTH... AYER...JAFFREY...KEENE...MANCHESTER... NASHUA...PETERBOROUGH... WEARE... FOSTER...SMITHFIELD...PROVIDENCE... WEST GREENWICH... WARWICK 1018 AM EDT TUE JUN 17 2008

...SCATTERED STRONG THUNDERSTORMS WITH HAIL AND FREQUENT LIGHTNING ARE EXPECTED TO DEVELOP THIS AFTERNOON...

SKIES HAVE BECOME PARTLY SUNNY ACROSS MOST OF SOUTHERN NEW ENGLAND LATE THIS MORNING. THE DAYTIME HEATING WILL COMBINE WITH AN APPROACHING COLD FRONT TO TRIGGER SCATTERED AFTERNOON THUNDERSTORMS.

THE SCATTERED THUNDERSTORMS ARE EXPECTED TO DEVELOP ACROSS THE REGION BETWEEN NOON AND 2 PM. THE THUNDERSTORMS WILL BE HIT OR MISS... BUT COULD POPUP JUST ABOUT ANYWHERE THROUGH EARLY AFTERNOON. AS WE GET LATER IN THE AFTERNOON...THE FOCUS FOR THE SCATTERED THUNDERSTORMS SHOULD SHIFT INTO SOUTHEAST NEW HAMPSHIRE... EASTERN MASSACHUSETTS AND PORTIONS OF RHODE ISLAND. THE ACTIVITY SHOULD THEN MOVE OFF THE COAST BY EARLY EVENING.

WHILE A MAJOR SEVERE WEATHER OUTBREAK IS NOT EXPECTED...THESE THUNDERSTORMS ARE EXPECTED TO PRODUCE HAIL ALONG WITH FREQUENT CLOUD TO GROUND LIGHTNING. A FEW OF THE STORMS WILL PROBABLY BECOME SEVERE AND PRODUCE LARGE HAIL. A SECONDARY CONCERN IS FOR GUSTY WINDS WITH THE STRONGER STORMS.

THOSE WITH OUTDOOR PLANS TODAY SHOULD HAVE A PLACE OF SAFETY AVAILABLE AND PAY ATTENTION TO THE LATEST WEATHER INFORMATION. YOU SHOULD BE PREPARED TO GET TO A SAFE PLACE AT THE FIRST SIGN OF THREATENING WEATHER."

Greeeeaaaaat. Seriously, WHY NOW!? Couldn't this all... oh... I don't know... wait until NEXT week? When I'm NOT busy!? Good god... >.<; And I need to shoot in a graveyard after dark today too for my conceptual. The weather better clear up by then! *shakefist*

The skies are already starting to darken too. ;_;

Wind and Hail

So, that storm that was scaring the crap out of me is all gone I think. It's been calm for about three hours now... so it should be. But um, it created winds powerful enough to drive the branches on the trees next to the apartment against the walls (they're a good distance away). And then there was the marble sized hail. Good god... You better believe I freaked out. Grabbed my blanket, laptop, and pillow, and then hid out in my mini-hallway. Since that's the only centrally located room with no outside walls. It was the safest place to be. Rachael offered me space at her house so I wouldn't be alone and scared, but um... there was no way I was going outside. What-so-ever. I'm still not. I'll wait for tomorrow. When I can watch the skies. At least in NY I know the weather fairly well... here in MA I'm a bit more clueless. It's further south and closer to the coast than where I am in NY, and much lower in elevation, so... things are different. And I hate it. I am going to try to be to Hallmark by 8am though to make up for time missed today. I need to. I've already set my alarm for 7am. Now I just have to get my stomach to stop rejecting the dinner I gave it from the panic attack after effects, and relax so I can get to bed at a normal hour. Oh, and do some retouching so that I have less to complete tomorrow, and just a lot of printing. That would be good. But, first things first, I gotta calm down. So I'm going to watch a few episodes of Saiyuki, take my mind off troubles, so that I can concentrate. Working while shaking produces bad imagery. That was lesson number one in photo retouching from Miss. Mierzwa. Granted, we were working with dye, but photoshop is no different. You can make bad digital marks after all. So I'm off to stop the shakes and panic. And then to work.

I'm late, I'm late...

I'm late! I'm late! I'm very, very late! >.< I didn't get out of the house until 12:30pm. Ugh. So I got in about 3pm, and that'd have been fine to print proofs and go to the school... except I had to run and buy ink. THERE IS ALWAYS SOMETHING. *falls over* @_@;; So it looks like tonight I am going to retouch the things that were listed on my super laggy laptop (Mamiya files are just toooooo big. >.<;;), and then tomorrow I'll get some crits and shoot in the CS. And see Joan about the conceptual image.

I have ideas for the conceptual, thanks to my family yesterday. Which is good, because I just can't do conceptual to save my life. I'm a very straight-forward person unless I'm doing dream symbols or tarot readings. Oh, and palmistry. But if it's not astrological/spiritualistic, I'm screwed. So out of every image, this is the hardest for me. So I really gotta see Joan first this time around. But I might do "A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down" or "Don't burn a candle at both ends". Either should be fairly easy to do. But I'm not thinking on that right now.

Right now I'm watching the sky get pitch black outside... and panicking a bit. I knew it was gonna be bad when I crested the peak elevation on I90E, and saw the haze on the mountains below me... and I love storms... but there's a wind warning with this. And I can't handle the wind. Which... is picking up something awful as I type this. Wind and I just don't get along ever since the tornado scare back when I was nine. I will NEVER forget that. In under a half an hour I moved all my possessions from my bedroom upstairs down to the basement, while crying, and puked all over the kitchen floor in fear. And um... I think I'm gonna go freak out now...

OH MY GOD I AM GOING TO REALLY FREAK OUT. *flailspazrunhide*

Diiiiizzy. @_@;;

So today I was up by 11am and re-shot my family portrait in the home. So that is done. I wasn't able to reshoot my couple, so I'm just going to fix the tones. Thankfully, that is an option on my list. I also went and visited with my Dad's side of the family for Father's Day. Had a nice dinner and long chats with the family. Now see, I was supposed to come home and shoot stuff after that, but instead I had to lay down. Why? Because I got out of the car and almost fell over. I've been dizzy since 3pm, but it just really hit hard around 5pm. I thought it was hunger at first, but then I ate dinner. And I'd go for dehydration, but I've had something to drink (not liquor you jokers out there lol) in my hand/next to me at all times. So it can't be that. And after a two hour nap, I was still feeling crappy, so I don't even know that it's lack of sleep. It is better now that I napped though, not by much sadly, but enough that I was able to retouch my architectural shot that I did yesterday. That finally decided it would be able to open. Oi. Maybe the dizziness is from stress, is that possible? I think it is... It's either that, or a form of heat poisoning, or a bug. Bleh. All I'm gearing for right now, is being able to drive back tomorrow morning. I'm aiming for 10am as my leaving time, so that I have the afternoon to shoot, but if I'm still dizzy I won't do it. God I hate this. -_-;; I DON'T HAVE TIME TO BE SICK! D:

An Early Graduation Gift

My parents got me an early graduation gift that has me PSYCHED. They got me the Nikon D200, along with the 17-110mm lens and 70-300mm lens special from Adorama that I wanted. Plus a set of four filters (protecting, enhancing, warming, and polarizer), an extra protection filter, a cleaning kit, an extra battery, and a camera bag. O_O My parents are amazing. I couldn't have asked for better. It is my baby. <3

And for all you B+H Photo fans, my Mom emailed them asking if they could beat Adorama's prices and offers, and they couldn't. So if you're looking for a bit more of a deal, Adorama is the place to go, I swear.

In fact, that reminds me. I have to go jump on their 4gb Sandisk CF cards for under $40 special... >.> *dashes off*

Re-review

Okay, so I have to do re-review. I was at Hallmark until 8pm because of it, but I'm not going into those details right now because it's hot and I can't be bothered. Anyways, I'm back in NY, and just got back from shooting my architecture over. So that's one down.

On the agenda to reshoot I also have:
-In Home Family
-Environmental Still Life (can't prove it's not in studio)
-Conceptual (I'm sol on ideas... >.<)
-Metal (lit it wrong)
-Pet+Owner (my sister screwed me over again)
-Two personal submissions (gonna do uranium glass for one)
-Couple if possible

So I have a lot to do, but I know I can get it done. I already got one down. And I'm knocking as many off while I'm here at home as I can. The majority of it is simply a bit more retouching and recropping. So I'm feeling confident that I'll get it done.

On a side note, I found our Rich Barnes reads my blog since he asked about the bat. Anyone else that's wondering, I opened the top part of my window without a screen, locked myself in my bedroom, and when I went out a few hours later he was gone. Guess his bat friends called him outside or something. Whatever it was, I'm glad, but I still watch the ceilings for more of them. Ugh. And I like bats too, just... when they're outside. >.<;

But, Rich told me not to be blogging since I had so much work to do. Which... means I had to, of course. Hehe. Nah, I probably wouldn't have if I wasn't on some down time while my brother showers for pet+owner. Since my sister decided that the movies with the boyfriend are more important, she's no longer a viable model. So my brother and his rabbit are going to sit for me. He just needs a shower really bad. Silly boys playing in the dirt. xD

Dear Andrew

So I received a comment from Andrew, asking if I was going to post my overall experience on here when this is over. The answer is yes, when it's done I will post my overall experience. I will be talking about the ins and outs, and what I found good and bad here. I'll give a brief insight as to my stay in MA, and about the living situation I had (since it hasn't been too good). I'll also be sharing my thoughts and feelings on the instructors here. But to save myself the trouble of making a mistake before it's all over, I'm waiting for after graduation to comment on all this stuff. Plus, that will probably be a good way to round out this blog before creating a new one for the journey after Hallmark.

Thank you so much for reading, and gaining insight from it. If you do have questions, or wish to talk, my contact information is on here. I'm always willing to field any questions you might have for a current student. Just drop me a line in my inbox. :)

I WANT OUT! D: BAT!

THERE IS A FUCKING BAT IN MY APARTMENT! And the worst part? NO ONE WILL COME TO HELP! *cries*

Seriously, I have no fear of bats... IN THE WILD. But in my apartment? I WANT NO PART OF THAT. D:

So I called 911. This was my conversation...

911: 911, what's your emergency?
Me: There's a bat in my apartment, I need animal control.
911: I'm sorry ma'am, this line is for emergencies only, you'll have to call them yourself.
Me: I don't have a number, could you at least give me that?
911: 772-2779
Me: 7-7-
911: Please hurry up ma'am, this line is for emergencies.

And after repeating it back she hung up on me. HOW AM I NOT AN EMERGENCY!? IS THIS COMMON IN MASSACHUSETTS!?

So I call that number... and I get voice mail. No one is in.

So I'm telling my Mom, and she calls Greenfield Police. Who tell her there's nothing they can do, and directed her to another animal control place...

...Who told my mother to contact someone private, they don't operate that late.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?

So upstairs I went to get Celia, who came downstairs with me... and we tried to catch it ourselves. It was hanging on the draperies in the living room, and so we tried to press it against the window into a tupperware container... but that failed. And now it's on the woodwork in my kitchen. We can't get it. And what if it's rabid? Or diseased? I really don't want to be attacked because we were aggressive towards it. I know that bats won't actively attack a human, but self defense is a strange slave driver...

So I'm holed up in my bedroom. I have a door out in here, and a fan, clothes... pretty much the basics. If I want to pee though... I have to go through the kitchen. Hopefully I'll be okay... but that just creeps me out. D:

Seriously though, why won't anyone come out to help me? No one said animals were convenient! Especially wild ones! And how did it get in here? All my windows have screens, and the chimney flute is blocked off, completely. Like... there is no visible way that I can see...

So yeah, I'm holed up in my bedroom with nothing but a sock holding that door shut because it doesn't latch any other way, a bat is making its home in my kitchen, I have to pretty much freak out to try and go to the bathroom, and the heat is deadly. Having the door open helped because the air could flow better... great.

I cannot wait to get the hell out of here. Seriously, the 20th cannot come FAST ENOUGH.

And no, can't call the relator. She can't even replace a bulb in the public hallway, you think she's going to come out to catch a bat? Please. But that's another matter, one Celia and I are taking up with Tammy tomorrow because we both have had a very negative experience with Susan. Not getting into it now.

So if anyone is reading this... HELP. If you can. I've been at this since 10pm... ;_;

Wanna Race?

So I had to go into Saratoga today to pick some stuff up, and on my way back the most epic thing happened. I thought I was going to have to pull over I was laughing so hard.

What you have to understand, is that on route 50 (which you travel to get where I was going) there is this line of lights. Like... there are at least 7 of them. On the way back, the last one before you can get onto Broadway has signals to go straight, right, or left.

So here I am , starting to slow down to come to a stop at the light before last, where I need to go straight and get off of the main road to head home. It's heavy traffic, and hard to merge and move. I'm looking at my surroundings, seeing what's near, and to my left in the other lane comes this car that would have been nice, had it not looked like the boys inside of it beat it to death with a rubber mallet. This car had more dents in it than the moon has craters, I swear. It was a royal shit box. But they must have been proud of it the way they drove.

Anyways, so there they are, coming up beside me. The next thing I see are windows going down. Yeah, you KNOW somethings up. I ended up ahead of them by a bit because of how traffic was flowing, but then they were beside me again, revving their engine as if they were driving a Corvette or something. By now I've turned down my music and am laughing. Though to them I probably looked like I was grinning, which I was doing that too.

They're in that car, hollering out cat calls and asking for my phone number. You have GOT to be kidding me. Amusing, funny, but definitely not a turn on. At all. But I kept glancing over at them, and then they start revving the engine more. And creeping up past me and hanging back. Ya know, giving all the signals that they want to race. In heavy downtown traffic. Now, I know guys don't always use their brains, but this is ridiculous.

So of course I humoured them. And there was only one reason why I did, and that was that the motorcyclists merged into the left lane so that they could take the left onto Broadway, and I could move forward. So I tapped the gas peddle a bit harder than normal, gave the engine a little rev, and pulled forward. They tried to keep pace, but alas, I didn't have a car in front of me, and they did.

That's about when I went through the light off of the main road, and headed for home. Kept tabs in my rear-view though in case they decided they wanted to follow me. They didn't, thank goodness. I had to go to Stewarts and pick up milk anyways, but having to stop at a public place to call Dad and the police because I'm being tailed isn't my idea of a good day.

Still, it was pretty epic. And it'll make for a good conversation piece. Idiots. x'D

It's Like the World is Spinning

So, I've got a bit of an update for today.

First off, my little cousin is home and doing well.
Second, the bunny died.

Those two don't really need anything more in depth.

Then there's my stomach, that has been bothering me since Wednesday evening. Ugh. Woke up sick with it the past two days, but I think I'm through the worst of it. What was rotten was my leg acting up with the rotten humid weather. Chopping it off seemed like a great idea to get away from the pain. It was severe. >.<

Sunday I have the wedding to do in CT, and I am SUPER EXCITED! Not just for the wedding, but because after it I am going to meet a friend who I met online. We're meeting up in a Barnes and Noble shop, so it's all good. Always much safer when you meet in a public place, yah? Rachael is coming with me as my assistant too, so that'll be fun.

Tomorrow I will get back into MA, and Rachael is spending the night. We're going to watch Azumanga Daioh and make clay polymer beads. Like... I want to make the beads now, but I promised I'd wait and do it with her. x'D We're soooo going to need a rolling pin, because I don't have the clay press thing. ^^;

I'm also going to finish up the pendents I made for friends online, and ship them out. Just gotta add the sealant and attach the hardware. :3 Soooo close. I still have a few to make, but I'm waiting on designs.

Then there is the fact that I am packing and returning home to NY. So my whole apartment has to come back. Dad and I might have to make another trip out after graduation, but it won't be too bad. Two and a half hours is actually a really simple drive to me now. I think I've come to ADORE traveling. :D

The biggest news though, which I found out about this morning via email, is that Paul Bissex was in an accident earlier this week, and is in serious condition. He's one of our instructors at Hallmark, so we're all wishing him well and hoping he gets better. I bet things are a bit more somber there, or at least were, for a while. I'll know better on Monday when I'm back. I really hope he pulls through it okay. There is a blog set up about it, but I'll spare the link this time. So I'll be checking that daily to keep up-to-date with what's happening with Paul.

Other than that stuff... life is peaceful? I have one more update, but that deserves its own post because... well... it was epic. x'D

Things to do, Things to do

Why am I up late you might ask? Well, I'm providing a listening ear to a friend in need. And then I'll get to bed, only to wake up, try to find some inspiration to shoot, go pick up my pills so I don't get super depressed and suicidal again, cash my expense check, run to Saratoga and pick up some needed supplies, go to the post office... yeah, gonna be a bit busy. ^^; I might have to do the post office Saturday though. Either in NY or MA. Depends on how early I head back. But tomorrow night I definitely can't stay up this late. Heeeeell no. That'd be suicide for driving back!

And the big thing I need to do: CLEAN MY ROOM. Like, it's good as it is for living in, but I need to clean it so I have space to bring my stuff back and unpack. And I feel really guilty for leaving MA, because I made a close friend and leaving her really sucks. Like... a lot. v_v; But, can't financially stay in MA, and I'm also thinking of continuing my education as it is.

Hallmark is great and all, but I feel like they've only scratched the surface, business wise, and since I know I'm a budding entrepreneur (and a control freak), I want to go for business. Probably a smart decision. And I already have three credits for it from HS, thanks to College in the Classroom. Actually, from that I have at least six college credits that transfer to a TON of colleges. So that's a big plus to me!

What is nice about attending Hallmark first though, is that I won't have to take the bullshit courses, aka general studies. So I can get to the meat and potatoes and skip the gravy, ya know? I always hated gravy, too... >.> ANYWAYS! So I'm really considering college afterwards. And since I'll be doing that, I also thought about taking up languages again. I hated Spanish while I was in High School, and now I miss it. A lot. So I'm putting serious thought into this.

Rachael tells me that it's a lot more debt, but I don't mind. Because I know all this will help me in the end, so it's worth it. Sure, I'll have to pay it back, but education is priceless. I value what I learn a lot. And I totally covet information. Hang around me enough and you find that I ask a lot of questions. Too many, probably.

Maybe not in class, because I'm busy retaining, but afterwards watch out.

Anyways, I gotta head out. Lots to do, very little time to do it in.

Really does feel like retrograde...

So I really do feel like I'm in retrograde. Got home in NY, and within an hour the baby bunny was dead. Poor little thing. I also cannot keep my stomach in order, and my emotionalness is just... all over the place.

Before I move on though, retrograde is an astrological term for when your planetary movement causes you to have a lot of bad luck. During this time you want to be careful because Murphy's Law likes to bear its ugly head three times as often, and things just tend to go wrong in general. As for how long it lasts, that depends on the planet. Mine's Venus, so it won't last long. I just can't say exactly when at the moment because the information on that is back in MA. x'D

But yeah, bad luck seems to be following me around. Which sucks. And to top it off, I think my period may be coming, which would explain a lot of things. Like my anger at the judges, and the mood swings, and depression with the pills... and the back pain, and some stomach issues, and nausea when eating, the irritableness, and all my other aches. PMS tends to just cause me issues after all. So... maybe. I don't know.

What I do know, is that it sucks. >.<

In other news, my cousin's surgery went well, and they're keeping him overnight to observe. Depending on his pain levels, he may or may not have to stay another five days. The doctor will know better tomorrow.

And in other other news... I'm going to attempt to pick up Japanese again. Self taught. Oh god... @w@;;;

Annnnnd..... Back to NY

Well, I'm off to NY again today. Got family in the hospital that I'm worried about, and just generally need to get out of MA so I can fully relax. Get over the failure thing. And maybe do some shooting. No... definitely do some shooting. But the big thing is the hospital bit.

Granted, it's not immediate family, it's a cousin. But he's 7 years old and broke his thigh so bad he's in surgery right now to have temporary pins put in it so it can heal. I guess last night he was in so much pain he wouldn't even move the other leg. I've always been pretty close to that part of my family, so I feel like I need to be there. It's bad enough that I'm bugging my mom A LOT about how he's doing and what's going on. I think she's sick of me asking... >.>;;

On the cuter side, my one cat Floyd brought a baby bunny home to us last night, alive. So I've heard its been living in my bedroom where it's safe, and they've been feeding it milk. Mom says it's no bigger then a tennis ball. Super cute.

Other than that though my life has been fairly docile. I'll be back to MA on either Friday or Saturday, because I have a wedding to do in CT Sunday. Nothing big though, they just want formals. Easy wedding, for sure. Rachael is coming with me as my assistant. Super cool. :D

That's pretty much it. I'm off to go pack as much as I can into crates and boxes. It's that time of the year where I'm taking stuff home.

My Stomach can go to Hell =_=;;

My stomach needs to go to Hell. Seriously. It's acting up AGAIN and pissing me off. I was sick all yesterday, isn't that enough? Of course, I'm in retrograde, so Murphy's Law and bad luck are going to be my best friends for about a month. Bleh. But seriously, I just want to sleep, and be healthy. Oi... damn stomach.

It's really bad too. My stomach is seriously my biggest fear. I'm always afraid I'll get sick, no matter where I go, what I'm doing, or how many times I've done it before. Coming to Hallmark was a personal accomplishment against my stomach, to prove I could do it.

My stomach makes me afraid to get a job, too. It played a big part in me wanting to be an entrepreneur because that way I could more flexibly work around it without the fear of getting fired. Sure, there's the threat of bankruptcy, but that doesn't scare me as much as being fired and what have you. I have more control over that.

Because of this stomach of mine, I skip out on things that could be fun. I've never been on a big school trip to places like Boston or NYC because of it. That and severe crowd claustrophobia, but still. My fear of being sick on these trips is that great. And sometimes just the fear itself can trigger my stomach. Total catch 22.

I'm sure some of you think I'm exaggerating on how bad it is, too. But I have IBS, which is a form of Fibromyalgia. Anyone with fibro can understand how painful IBS is, because they've probably experienced it. But IBS isn't something easy to live with.

Let me try to describe...

Basically, it feels like someone has poured corrosive acid all over your insides. They're on fire from a nuclear explosion. It's like your intestines are squeezing to strangle your spine, and somehow your lungs too. You're doubled over in so much pain that standing or sitting straight is literally impossible. Sometimes you cannot breathe because the pain is that intense. With it can come severe shaking that you can't stop. Almost like selective seizures to parts of your body. You don't know whether you want to cry, or scream, or moan in agony. After a while you learn to just be silent, because none of those things help. Quite often you also get severe nausea with all this, and if you attempt to take medication, you'll probably vomit. You can't usually eat or drink while it's occurring, because it tends to just make it worse. And it won't go away until there is nothing left in your system to expel. IBS is when the intestinal rhythm screws up, like two waves on the ocean crashing into each other. It makes your intestinal track try to turn itself inside-out.

What triggers it? Certain food, powerful emotions that play on your nerves, and the weather sometimes.

There are really no surefire meds for it either. There are some anti spasmatics out there that you can take, but they don't always work. And once the attack starts, they're pretty much useless. Everyone with it finds a different way of coping, but the big thing is to get your body to relax. Which is far easier said than done.

For me, I have to cool off, and read. Sometimes rock back and forth. My hands will shake, and my knees as well. In fact my knees tend to get bruised because they bang against each other and I don't notice at the time. Other pain does help distract me though, so that might be why they do it. But I just have to do this until I literally pass out from exhaustion. Sometimes, like right now, I can work on the computer. When it's not super bad. If I'm in public and can't do these things, then you might see me digging my nails into my skin, be it my palms or upper arms. I also grind my teeth, and start taking longer, deeper breathes. And I may or may not try to curl up.

What sucks the most though, is every time I vomit, how I am able to deal with it effectively seems to change. A couple years back I had to be sitting up. Now my body demands to be laying down. There was a time I had to completely freeze myself, now it's just my upper half. And so on.

But I digress, out of every challenge thrown at me in Hallmark, my IBS, my own personal demon, is the worst of them. Out of everything, it screws up more plans than I care to remember.

And let me tell ya, feeling like you're dying every time it hits ya, blows. You better believe it's caused me to leave class before, or not be able to go. It's highly distracting and unnerving.

Why am I telling you this? Because I tend to mention it a lot, and complain of it, and there are a lot of people who tell me to just deal. So here it is the full story as best I can. And a tiny bit of it is probably because it's 4:44am and the IBS is keeping me awake. I do randomly dumb things when overly tired. God help whoever it is I end up living with in the distant future, I'm gonna be a handful at times like these. @_@;;

Screwy Scheduling

So I'm feeling a bit better after yesterday. Totally called in this morning though, because I was sick as a dog last night until the wee hours with my stomach. Emotions can effect me like that, yay IBS [/sarcasm]. :\ So it was like having the flu. And when I finally did get some sleep, it was restless. So I'm still very tired, but I can't just sleep all day so here I am, awake.

One thing that was nice to wake up to was an email from my HS art teacher, Miss. M. She gave me a different view on the failing, and made it out as an opportunity. And as much as I want to see it that way, and sometimes I can, I'm still far too bitter and grouchy for that. I'm going to blame my lack of experience for this one, because I've honestly only been out in the real world for a year at most. I have a lot of learning and growing to do still. But I'm sure there will come a day when I will look back on this and wonder why I didn't just take Miss. M's advice in the first place. Today just isn't that day. Still, it was kind of her to send me the email. :)

Onto the meat and potatoes of this entry though! Hallmark's screwy scheduling! Which is my current hate topic.

During the three days that we are being given time to work on fixing our portfolios in school, are three classes that I wanted to attend. Mind you, all classes are fairly optional, and I would think so especially when people will have a lot of work to do. I don't know, maybe I'm wrong, but this is what I figure. Those who were went to re-review will be working instead of in class, and those who passed go to class. Rather than more all nighters and pissy students... anyways...

So there are three classes. One I wanted to attend I don't mind being there. That'd be David Langley's class on lighting automobiles. I really am curious about this, and I want to attend, but now I don't know if I'll have time.

The two that piss me off for being in there though, are a class on marketing, and a class on advertising yourself. Both are lectures on being successful in those things, and are done by guests. To me, it would make more sense to have them over a couple of days during the review process so that everyone could attend, rather than during the week of re-review when those working might not get a chance. They seem rather important, more so than classes like Photography as a Witness and Interpreting Images. But that's just me.

I'm sure there's some reason behind it all, but I'm just irked. And it means that I'm going to be doing my damnedest to fix all my issues over that weekend so I don't have to miss them. I am SO GLAD that I have Lightroom and Photoshop on my laptop. Because I'm gonna need it.

Oh, and during that week as well, I WILL be shooting uranium glass in the CS. Because it's a personal goal of mine, and I'll be damned if I don't complete it.

I'm gonna go get some juice now, and hope it doesn't bother my stomach. Maybe some toast too. And then pass out again, because I'm still super tired.

Portfolio Blank. Survey Says!

My portfolio for Hallmark failed. I have to go to re-review. Which means I get everything back on the 13th, including finding out exactly what has to be fixed, and have until the 19th to fix everything.

If you're curious, the whole final portfolio can be viewed here: CLICK

So, today was the day I had my Portfolio Review. 11:25am I see my work displayed on stage. I have my parents and Rachael with me. My parents left NY at 6am to be here for this, because Hallmark told them they couldn't make sure I went in the afternoon so that they didn't have to be quite so inconvenienced. That left my 17 year old sister and 13 year old brother to get themselves off to school this morning. Good job Hallmark.

So the judges look it over, and the teachers, and the guy can't figure out what he wants to show on my website, and then my name is called and we go to the stage. You know, to sit in front of your whole section, all eyes on you, to hear the verdict. I was already informed that there was an issue with my male. I clicked the wrong version to print, so this one wasn't fully grayscaled out to black and white. No biggie. Minor error. It's hard to tell anyways. How they did is beyond me. But anyways, regardless of if I passed or failed, that had to be fixed.

So there we are, and the portfolio is announced Not Accepted. And really, I was expecting it because I just seem to see things differently. Not only that, but I have a very simplistic style, and you don't see that often at Hallmark it feels like. And I also refused to become a similar photographer to what it felt like was wanted. Part of it though, I blame on the fact that I used to be a writer, before I ever picked up my first SLR camera. But most importantly, I've just never been fully good at anything. I thought I was at photography, but guess not. :\

So while it hurt to hear that, I half-knew it was coming. Sure, I hoped that it would be accepted, and I could finally fully relax, but it wasn't. Tony and George Rosa III were kind though, and offered words of encouragement. Which was nice, that helped. But the first person to speak to me about my portfolio was David Turner. I have come to the conclusion that I do not like this man.

Now, I was on the fence about him for a while. Sometimes he irritated me, sometimes he didn't. But it's decided, fully, I do not like him. And I lost some respect for Barbara Bordnick as well.

Anyways, David was the first one up to talk about my work. He had not ONE kind word to say. NOT ONE. He told me this was just no good, my lighting was wrong, and just had no appreciation for it or any of my reenactment stuff. When it came to my PR and ALT shots, he said that it was like we were trying on clothes, too simple, and he just didn't like it at all. He also didn't like my indoor family, which to be honest I knew was a weak image but I just could not get a family for the life of me, because of the harsh shadow from flash. I knew that was coming. Still though, he just rubbed me the wrong way. Told me that I had just scraped the basics, and it broke their hearts to fail me. That it was obvious I had attended class and knew what I was doing, but I just hadn't taken it that one step further to WOW them. Then he compared me to another student, as he spoke about my athlete. Told me that where as the other student took the time to drive alongside a motorcyclist and photograph, it looked like I just pulled the car around back and there was the neighbors or something. Well... YEAH! These photos are supposed to tell a story! But he told me I should have done it at the track. I'm sorry, but all the tracks this kid can race at are at least an hour away, and you aren't allowed to do photography before hand because of safety checks and stuff that go on, and afterwards that car will look like hell. This ain't Nascar folks. This is a sixteen year old kid who races on Saturday. He and his dad are team mates, and they work on the cars in their garage at home. They have no mechanics or anything like that, just good friends. He does homework and attends school like all other kids his age. Doesn't that make it appropriate to his location? Does that not tell a better story? Apparently small town life just isn't good enough for a hot shot NYC photographer who basically talks as if he IS the craft.

What made me want to laugh the most at David though, was that he asked when I had first picked up a camera. Told me that my point and shoot from fifth grade didn't count. And he had no comment when I told him it was 11th grade. That I was only nineteen.

But yes, David really, honestly and truly, made me feel that in order to make a good portfolio, I needed to have a ton of money. Because the guy he compared me to definitely had it. He was taking helicopters up and shooting the NYC skyline, Niagara Falls, and doing other such expensive things. And he was already an accomplished photographer before coming here, he just wanted the credentials. Don't compare me to someone like that! It's not fair, and it's not right.

Beth Reynolds was the next to give me a critique. And her's, while I still have a bit to say on it, I can live with. And there is a simple reason why: She took the time to give me some good with the bad. When it comes to critiquing, I have ALWAYS maintained that you cannot just say bad things, you need to have some positive, or it's just destructive. So I could take Beth's, and swallow it. She, unlike David, loved my ALT shot. She did make reference to my Family Portrait outdoors, and while she loved it, she told me I should have waited for the two boys to breathe and relax, that I had taken the picture a moment too soon. I kind of wanted to laugh, because those two boys were just... I don't know what. But that was the moment. Still, she did love the image, just had that minor critique, so I don't think that docked me all that much. She also wished that I had gotten my motocross image (not on here) after they had started, not at the anticipation of the start. So that's just a difference in opinions. Depends on what you see and how it makes you feel, really. Beth seemed to like my outdoor lighting as well, but she felt that some of them were too "hot", meaning over-lit. I did expect this, because even I could see it. That was about it though.

Barbara Bordnick was a great woman in my eyes when she first came here. Now I've lost a little respect for her. Simply because, like David, she really didn't offer me anything positive. She went out of her way to go on about skin because of the screwiness of the toning in my couple shot, which I knew could get me docked some. I have figured out how to fix it now, just wish I had for that. But what pissed me off, was she basically called them ugly. Told me I had put two people who didn't work in a pose meant for beautiful people. Well, if I didn't want to just jump up and strangle her... the two people in that portrait are two of my best friends. And they have one of the most beautiful sibling relationships I have EVER seen. EVER! The other big thing Barbara went on about, which Beth also mentioned but not in detail, was that the tie on my low-key male was odd. She wondered as to why he wasn't wearing clothes, and why we only put a tie on him. She just didn't get it at all, and, as a nude photographer she just didn't like it. Welcome to the style of Indie, Barbara. Yes, it's relatively new and unknown, but that's where I circulate. And he did have clothes on, we were just slowly stripping him. And then I decided he needed a tie. Because I think that men in a tie with no shirt on are sexy. So do a lot of people who see that image. Sue me? She also felt that the arms were too flabby in my digital alteration, but oh well. It honestly didn't bother me. I think the one kind thing she said was about my ALT shot, and that it was nice.

So yeah, nothing really useful from them. They gave me an idea, but not much. And pretty much no kind words, which is what pissed me off the most. That and being compared to someone else many years my senior. I guess they didn't go over my commercial stuff though because I was Portrait/Wedding emphasis. I wonder if it was even graded into my portfolio though, because while I had that inclination of failure, I still had hope that maybe, just maybe, I had enough strong pieces to pull me through.

Celia who went up right after me, also failed. Even though she had things make it through from Phase III, they still failed her. She was a mess, and ready to quit. Can't say as I blame her.

I really think, if anything, the review did nothing more than to destroy what confidence I had in my abilities as a photographer. I mean, I know I can get work back home, and do what I'd like, but without the confidence... it just feels empty.

I'm sorry I don't meet NYC standards? I'm sorry I come from a small little town no one has ever even heard of up in the Adirondack Mountains? I'm sorry I view things differently? Sorry that I used to be a writer, and that it influences my shots? Sorry that I don't want to conform to certain things? I'm sorry I'm not normal? Sorry that I tend to hang in obscure genres of life? Sorry that unlike many, I've only been shooting seriously for all of two or three years? I'm sorry my style is so simplistic?

I don't know what else to say. Just that I'm really upset, and really pissed off. I forced down some lunch with my family, called in sick to the second half, and after bringing home Rachael, cried myself into restless sleep for a few hours.

And I definitely dreamt of cutting. Even with my medication, I was that down. Didn't do it, knew better, but it seemed like a good idea at the time.