Homesickness

I'm lethargic again, but I'm still taking my pills. And I think it's homesickness, since I was super energetic and just wanted to be out doing things back in New York last weekend. I got back to MA (almost late!) and I just suddenly... don't want to do anything. It's been a long ten months, and we're in the home stretch so I really don't need this... but damn does it hit hard. I just want to be with my family, waking up in a comfortably familiar area, and doing what I love. I miss my friends something terrible, and I'm tired of missing out on the things they're doing because I'm not there.

Sure, Hallmark is only ten months and I am doing extraordinary things here, being offered opportunities like no others; but deep down I am a simple person. I don't need extravagance nor amazing opportunities to be happy. I need my friends and family, and while I have made new ones out here, the ones I need and miss are all two and a half hours away. I never really get to see them when I'm home, either, because they work, and I'm not there that long. And forget about seeing them online, it just isn't the same. Neither is the phone.

Ten months is way too long for me. One month okay. Three months fine. Anything over five months is pushing it. Ten months is going to drive me insane... Insaner. More insane. Whatever it'd be.

It's not even necessarily that MA is bad, either. Sure, I do hate it, but it's also so very different from my little town of less than 2000 people. I never get to see a true forest of trees here, and it's never silent. The nights have warmed but my chorus of evening animals does not greet my ears. I mean, for goodness sakes, I travel to school by highway, you can't do that at home! We don't even have public transportation aside from school buses, let alone highways. Visiting is nice, but living around all these people is terrible. I want my solitude. I want to be able to go outside and sit among nature where no one is going to bother me.

Most of all though, I just want the familiar activities, and to stop missing out on things. I feel so out of the loop... And I really do love Hallmark, it's just that my skin is wearing thin now.

And without the resolve I had before, it gets more and more hard to push myself to go to the classes that don't interest me, and to the guest lecturers. Especially the guest lecturers. They were great in the beginning and stuff... but now they just seem redundant and boring. Some even very snooty. And I find myself sitting further and further back so as not to fall asleep right in front of them, even though I am incredibly uncomfortable in those seats.

George was angry with us for skipping... but most of us are just tired. I know I am. I don't have the patience any more to sit and listen. They definitely would have been better received if they were more spread out, and not once a week. And I hate being so apathetic to them and such, but it honestly grates on my nerves. I try to stop it, try to convince myself otherwise, but it just isn't happening anymore.

I'll see Hallmark through to the end, and I will graduate, but I just can't behave in the manner I know I should anymore. I forsee a lot of leaving early from the last class when I can afford it, and skipping all together to go home and share special moments with people.

Like, for example, my friend graduates this Friday, at 6pm, and I can't make it because my class doesn't end until 5pm. If it weren't for the fact that I might have other friends here with me that day, I might leave early to go see that.

I know my education is important, and that I am paying for it... but I can't focus properly anymore so it doesn't matter too much. I'll figure it all out eventually.

Right now though, I need to go to bed. I'm just making myself upset and more apathetic at this point, so it is sleep time. I'll share my past weekend tomorrow or something.