Portfolio Blank. Survey Says!

My portfolio for Hallmark failed. I have to go to re-review. Which means I get everything back on the 13th, including finding out exactly what has to be fixed, and have until the 19th to fix everything.

If you're curious, the whole final portfolio can be viewed here: CLICK

So, today was the day I had my Portfolio Review. 11:25am I see my work displayed on stage. I have my parents and Rachael with me. My parents left NY at 6am to be here for this, because Hallmark told them they couldn't make sure I went in the afternoon so that they didn't have to be quite so inconvenienced. That left my 17 year old sister and 13 year old brother to get themselves off to school this morning. Good job Hallmark.

So the judges look it over, and the teachers, and the guy can't figure out what he wants to show on my website, and then my name is called and we go to the stage. You know, to sit in front of your whole section, all eyes on you, to hear the verdict. I was already informed that there was an issue with my male. I clicked the wrong version to print, so this one wasn't fully grayscaled out to black and white. No biggie. Minor error. It's hard to tell anyways. How they did is beyond me. But anyways, regardless of if I passed or failed, that had to be fixed.

So there we are, and the portfolio is announced Not Accepted. And really, I was expecting it because I just seem to see things differently. Not only that, but I have a very simplistic style, and you don't see that often at Hallmark it feels like. And I also refused to become a similar photographer to what it felt like was wanted. Part of it though, I blame on the fact that I used to be a writer, before I ever picked up my first SLR camera. But most importantly, I've just never been fully good at anything. I thought I was at photography, but guess not. :\

So while it hurt to hear that, I half-knew it was coming. Sure, I hoped that it would be accepted, and I could finally fully relax, but it wasn't. Tony and George Rosa III were kind though, and offered words of encouragement. Which was nice, that helped. But the first person to speak to me about my portfolio was David Turner. I have come to the conclusion that I do not like this man.

Now, I was on the fence about him for a while. Sometimes he irritated me, sometimes he didn't. But it's decided, fully, I do not like him. And I lost some respect for Barbara Bordnick as well.

Anyways, David was the first one up to talk about my work. He had not ONE kind word to say. NOT ONE. He told me this was just no good, my lighting was wrong, and just had no appreciation for it or any of my reenactment stuff. When it came to my PR and ALT shots, he said that it was like we were trying on clothes, too simple, and he just didn't like it at all. He also didn't like my indoor family, which to be honest I knew was a weak image but I just could not get a family for the life of me, because of the harsh shadow from flash. I knew that was coming. Still though, he just rubbed me the wrong way. Told me that I had just scraped the basics, and it broke their hearts to fail me. That it was obvious I had attended class and knew what I was doing, but I just hadn't taken it that one step further to WOW them. Then he compared me to another student, as he spoke about my athlete. Told me that where as the other student took the time to drive alongside a motorcyclist and photograph, it looked like I just pulled the car around back and there was the neighbors or something. Well... YEAH! These photos are supposed to tell a story! But he told me I should have done it at the track. I'm sorry, but all the tracks this kid can race at are at least an hour away, and you aren't allowed to do photography before hand because of safety checks and stuff that go on, and afterwards that car will look like hell. This ain't Nascar folks. This is a sixteen year old kid who races on Saturday. He and his dad are team mates, and they work on the cars in their garage at home. They have no mechanics or anything like that, just good friends. He does homework and attends school like all other kids his age. Doesn't that make it appropriate to his location? Does that not tell a better story? Apparently small town life just isn't good enough for a hot shot NYC photographer who basically talks as if he IS the craft.

What made me want to laugh the most at David though, was that he asked when I had first picked up a camera. Told me that my point and shoot from fifth grade didn't count. And he had no comment when I told him it was 11th grade. That I was only nineteen.

But yes, David really, honestly and truly, made me feel that in order to make a good portfolio, I needed to have a ton of money. Because the guy he compared me to definitely had it. He was taking helicopters up and shooting the NYC skyline, Niagara Falls, and doing other such expensive things. And he was already an accomplished photographer before coming here, he just wanted the credentials. Don't compare me to someone like that! It's not fair, and it's not right.

Beth Reynolds was the next to give me a critique. And her's, while I still have a bit to say on it, I can live with. And there is a simple reason why: She took the time to give me some good with the bad. When it comes to critiquing, I have ALWAYS maintained that you cannot just say bad things, you need to have some positive, or it's just destructive. So I could take Beth's, and swallow it. She, unlike David, loved my ALT shot. She did make reference to my Family Portrait outdoors, and while she loved it, she told me I should have waited for the two boys to breathe and relax, that I had taken the picture a moment too soon. I kind of wanted to laugh, because those two boys were just... I don't know what. But that was the moment. Still, she did love the image, just had that minor critique, so I don't think that docked me all that much. She also wished that I had gotten my motocross image (not on here) after they had started, not at the anticipation of the start. So that's just a difference in opinions. Depends on what you see and how it makes you feel, really. Beth seemed to like my outdoor lighting as well, but she felt that some of them were too "hot", meaning over-lit. I did expect this, because even I could see it. That was about it though.

Barbara Bordnick was a great woman in my eyes when she first came here. Now I've lost a little respect for her. Simply because, like David, she really didn't offer me anything positive. She went out of her way to go on about skin because of the screwiness of the toning in my couple shot, which I knew could get me docked some. I have figured out how to fix it now, just wish I had for that. But what pissed me off, was she basically called them ugly. Told me I had put two people who didn't work in a pose meant for beautiful people. Well, if I didn't want to just jump up and strangle her... the two people in that portrait are two of my best friends. And they have one of the most beautiful sibling relationships I have EVER seen. EVER! The other big thing Barbara went on about, which Beth also mentioned but not in detail, was that the tie on my low-key male was odd. She wondered as to why he wasn't wearing clothes, and why we only put a tie on him. She just didn't get it at all, and, as a nude photographer she just didn't like it. Welcome to the style of Indie, Barbara. Yes, it's relatively new and unknown, but that's where I circulate. And he did have clothes on, we were just slowly stripping him. And then I decided he needed a tie. Because I think that men in a tie with no shirt on are sexy. So do a lot of people who see that image. Sue me? She also felt that the arms were too flabby in my digital alteration, but oh well. It honestly didn't bother me. I think the one kind thing she said was about my ALT shot, and that it was nice.

So yeah, nothing really useful from them. They gave me an idea, but not much. And pretty much no kind words, which is what pissed me off the most. That and being compared to someone else many years my senior. I guess they didn't go over my commercial stuff though because I was Portrait/Wedding emphasis. I wonder if it was even graded into my portfolio though, because while I had that inclination of failure, I still had hope that maybe, just maybe, I had enough strong pieces to pull me through.

Celia who went up right after me, also failed. Even though she had things make it through from Phase III, they still failed her. She was a mess, and ready to quit. Can't say as I blame her.

I really think, if anything, the review did nothing more than to destroy what confidence I had in my abilities as a photographer. I mean, I know I can get work back home, and do what I'd like, but without the confidence... it just feels empty.

I'm sorry I don't meet NYC standards? I'm sorry I come from a small little town no one has ever even heard of up in the Adirondack Mountains? I'm sorry I view things differently? Sorry that I used to be a writer, and that it influences my shots? Sorry that I don't want to conform to certain things? I'm sorry I'm not normal? Sorry that I tend to hang in obscure genres of life? Sorry that unlike many, I've only been shooting seriously for all of two or three years? I'm sorry my style is so simplistic?

I don't know what else to say. Just that I'm really upset, and really pissed off. I forced down some lunch with my family, called in sick to the second half, and after bringing home Rachael, cried myself into restless sleep for a few hours.

And I definitely dreamt of cutting. Even with my medication, I was that down. Didn't do it, knew better, but it seemed like a good idea at the time.