Might Need to See the Doctor

So with all this fast-paced photography and stuff, I have totally been neglecting my body. I've been trying to be more conscious about eating and stuff lately, but that doesn't stop me from abusing my physical limits. And I know that I have been abusing them because my body and I aren't getting along again.

A lot of it would be the panic attacks. This I know is stress, and I'm hoping the other stuff is too... but I'm not sure. The issue with the panic attacks now though, are that they're fairly constant. They're not lasting long though, which is okay with me. I can survive 20-30 seconds of a panic attack at a time.

What's getting bad, are my legs. Specifically my knees. I already knew that I had to go see a specialist this summer for them, but they are just really bad. It started months ago, where on rare occasions they would ache so bad that in order to sleep I had to prop them up so they were either equal to or above my heart, and then stay still. Well, that happens a bit more frequently now, and I have a new issue.

It's starting to hurt to go up and down stairs. Right now it's just a bad pressure in my knees, but I know it shouldn't be there. And today when I went down them in my right knee (which has been aching constantly lately) I got this hot rush, like when you get a big cut or something, down my leg. It was not pleasant, but it didn't last. Still, I don't think it's a good sign.

What's worse, is kneeling is getting painful too. And I have to do a lot of that.

And on my left leg, there are three bruises that appeared last week sometime out of nowhere, and have yet to disappear. In fact, I think one is getting worse. They don't really hurt, but I'm concerned and keeping an eye on them.

Like I said though, I am really hoping it's all just stress related. Because if not I'm in deep shit.

It's times like these that I wish I hadn't played volleyball with such neglect. Of course, diving for the ball was a specialty of mine. And my first year, I had a coach that used and abused this. Even sending me onto the court once without them.

When I roller bladed at family skate nights, I always fell on them. There was one time that I couldn't go to school the next day because they were almost black I had bruised them so badly.

Out on the boat, it's my knees that have always taken the shock waves as we go over waves, even when sitting because I always brace myself with my legs.

I also grew up in the woods, so jumping down small ledges and stuff was not uncommon. Neither was bracing myself with my knees and shins.

So they have been abused for years. I'm just hoping it's a big build up of scar tissue that can be removed or something. Who knows. But the warning signs with how they crack every time bend them pretty much started back in middle school. And I've had issues with my feet before.

Looks like my doctor will be seeing me soon. But not until after the final portfolio is done and in. That comes first, then I can let my body fail the rest of the way.

For now... ever onward.