The Root of the Problem

My attendance lately, has been crap. My attention span, has been nonexistent. And my feelings towards life in general, disappearing. But more on that later.

First and foremost, that meeting.

So, I totally have to reshoot everything. :\ Fun. Not really. I'm going to wait and see what our electives are, and then start reshooting. Because right now I have other things I need to be doing. I also got my career business plan back... and while I was fairly upset at the lack of positive comments (I understand I need to see mistakes... but at least give me some hope that I did well in areas...), I was humoured by the lack of understanding about my area. So... win-win for me? No idea. It passed and that's all I care about.

And I was wrong. George Rosa III sat to my left. xD

But it really wasn't as horrid and soul-destroying as I had worked myself up to believe. Thank goodness.

But yeah... gotta reshoot. Blarg.

Anyways, back to my opening. So things have not been happy for me lately, and even though I put the smile on when I'm in school... I'm just not happy. And it's screwing with my health, my education, and my sanity. I finally found my anti-depressants though, so I've been able to start taking them again. Still, it's going to take a little while for them to kick in.

At first I thought it was a cold, but it's not. It's my good ol' depression creeping back up on me, and it's not a good sign. The last time this happened I just stopped going to school, stayed curled up in a dark room unless I was thirsty or had to use the bathroom, I didn't eat, I slept all the time (literally, I was awake maybe five hours a day) or I was nocturnal (sleeping from the hours of 6am to 4pm), I just felt nothing, and I didn't take care of my body. You better believe the idea of suicide was on my mind. But I just could never do that. I tried therapy, but the woman told me to just drop out of school... so I don't do therapists anymore. The pills help though.

So here I am again, back at that ledge where I will fall into the dark water. The question is, will I sink or swim? I've worked so hard to get where I am here at Hallmark, that I really want to swim. And I will regret it if I don't. But there is no way I can do it without my meds, so if they don't kick in I'll have to go see the doctor, and fix the script. And if I do sink, there's going to be no coming back this time I fear. I almost drowned once and barely escaped, I don't know if I could escape again.

In the meantime... I'm not sure. I just have to try and push past the walls depression creates and try to live a life. It'll be a lie, since I will hide behind a smile, but at least it'll be living of some sort. And why smile you ask? Simple, if I don't, people worry way too much. Which makes it seem retarded that I'm posting it on here, but it's really not. Because this is still a part of my experience, and my growth... if you can call it that.

And besides, I'm sick of discussing it with people. I don't want to hear "Well is anything bothering you?" and "Are you sure you're okay?" Let me clear two things up with one simple post that many people can read, so that I don't have to repeat myself.

First off, nothing that I consciously know of is bothering me. I was diagnosed with clinical depression (finally) two years ago, but I've had it for years. I've seen counselors since the 6th grade, even though there has only been one who was actually always there for me when I needed. And I almost checked myself into a psych hospital. But there is nothing bothering me. All we can tell at this point is that it's purely an imbalance of chemicals in my brain, and possibly triggered by some stuff that happened in the past. So please, if you're reading this, don't ask me that.

And secondly, I know I'm not okay. I'll say I'm fine to avoid more questions because when I'm depressed, I cry easily. But if you really want to know, your best bet is to ask me via the computer, because then I don't hate myself as much. I'm not crying over anything worthy, and I really loathe crying in public. I feel very stupid when I cry, so hiding behind my computer helps me. If I ever cry in front of you, you've either gone way too far with something, or I really trust you. Remember that. Unfortunately for you though, it can cause severe mood swings between happy and sad no matter what, and sometimes anger. Normally I'm just apathetic though.

Another thing, I am not a cutter, but I am a subconscious self-harmer. This means that I hurt myself in my sleep when I have no active control over my actions. And the only reason I know this is because I used to wake up to bruises on my body when I had not bumped into anything the day before, nor done anything to cause the bruises. Cuts not so much... but I digress. Those bruises certainly didn't come from the monster that lives under my bed.

So yes, the signs have started appearing again for my depression, and I'm working on getting my meds back under control. My advice to anyone coming here in the future that's on meds: DON'T LOSE THEM. Seriously. I was doing well for a while, and now I am crashing and burning.

That good feeling is an illusion unless the doctor has said you're good to go. And I really fell for it. And now I have to pay for it, big time.

Thankfully, I have never been on academic probation before, so I don't have to worry too much over that.

And there is one person here, Tammy, who is nicknamed "Mom" because she is like the student guidance counselor for us, that I could go to; but I just can't. As nice as she is and as much as she does for us, I just don't feel that certain initial trust connection that I need to have in order to go to someone and spill my guts in depth. And it's not because she's a bad person or anything, it's just my instincts telling me that she's not what I need. Somehow, someway, we would clash and that would be bad. And believe you me, there is a lot more to this than what I have told you here. Those are the basics though, for sure.

So yes, welcome to my crazy screwed up emotions and sanity.