Samantha's Journey Through Hallmark

Final Note

2008-07-06T12:18:00.003-04:00

Far as I know, I am done with this blog. I don't think that I have anything else to add, and so this is now a complete journey through ten months of my life. This post will be the closing of a chapter of immense growth in my life, and a new blog marks the start of a new one.

That new blog is located at: http://saknikaII.blogspot.com

It already has some entries, and will chronicle events that take place after Hallmark, and where photography takes me as a career. Occasionally you may hear mention of Hallmark as well, because I have so many friendships and connections to the school still. It was always my dream to make it to the Alumni Roundtable as well someday, but I don't know that I can do that since I didn't technically graduate. But if I do, by some odd means, that's where you'll read about it.

On that blog I'll also keep you up-to-date with images, picking out my favourites from the shoot. And I love feedback, so leave some comments. They're moderated, but open to the public.

If you'd like to keep up-to-date with just my photography, then please check out this blog instead: http://photo-phantasy.blogspot.com

And if you'd like to get in touch with me personally, all my contact info is easy to find, plus I'll leave it here.

Samantha Genier
samantha@photo-phantasy.com
AIM- KagomeOuwasari
YIM- saknikas.artisticdomain
MSN- saknika@hotmail.com
http://www.photo-phantasy.com
http://saknika.deviantart.com

Final Thoughts: Hallmark Institute of Photography

2008-07-06T11:12:00.002-04:00

These are some final thoughts I have about the school itself. You've heard how I felt about the instructors, and just like then, this is all personal experience and views. It's always best to form your own opinions in the end, but this is what I felt.

Before I even begin though, I want to say this. Knowing what I do now, I still would have attended Hallmark. Even though I failed (technically), and had a lot of struggles. However! I don't know that I would have attended straight out of High School. I think I would have waited two years until my 20th birthday, gotten some real world experience and saved up a bit more, and then attended. Going right out of High School was nice, and it can work, I just don't think it was a good decision on my part with everything that was going on in my family and life.

That being said, let's get into it. We'll go from bad to good.

The Cons:
One of the biggest gripes I probably had, was that the instructor who assigned the photo shoot, didn't necessarily grade the photo shoot. So John Nordell, for example, would assign for you to go do the Photo Essay. And if you brought it to him, he might tell you that it's absolutely perfect. That what you did meets all requirements and expectations in his eyes. So you feel confident when you hand it in, because the instructor who assigned it gave you good remarks. But then when you get the graded assignment back, you see that it wasn't given full credit, and that it was because of technicalities in the portraits or something. And upon looking down you see that Rich Barnes, who is a portrait photographer and not a photojournalist, graded it. But that's how it is at Hallmark. One instructor hands it out, every instructor (pretty much) grades it. They just hand them out in sections. This was not liked, and I was echoed by my fellow classmates in this regard. We all felt that if the instructor assigned it, that instructor should grade it.

Another issue was getting in to see the instructors, and utilizing their knowledge. Because there are so few instructors compared to the number of students, this is no easy task. There were often lines waiting outside of doors in order to get in to see someone, and at the same time there were also students waiting in studios for help with their shoots. So any given instructor would be trying to help those in line, grade assignments, and help out in studio. Preferably all at once, because they were in high demand. I tended to stay away from instructors when they had the long lines, and go find someone else who wasn't busy, because I'm very bad at waiting in line when I have other things to do.

The Open House, as I'm sure you're aware already from a previous entry, was not a favourite event either. It wouldn't have been bad if we hadn't been used as janitors, and refused food until after it was over. We understood that we should tidy up tables and chairs, and hang the decorations ourselves, but what was not liked was that we were washing windows, dishes, cleaning the fridges out, dusting, sweeping, and generally being treated like custodians. That took it a bit far, and then when we were told that we must arrive by noon the day of, and we'd be there until probably 5pm cleaning up afterwards to get ready for school Monday, and that we couldn't eat any of the catered food that whole time, well, we were pissed. It would have been one thing if we weren't sure we'd have enough, but it was catered. What also failed miserably were some of the committees, like the one I was on, that basically did nothing because people chose to not utilize the service being offered.

If you attend Hallmark, also be ready to relearn anything you already know in Photoshop, Lightroom, InDesign, and Dreamweaver. They don't figure out where anyones' skills are regarding any of these programs, and so it's all mixed up. Many felt it would have been a better idea if they had separated our groups based on where our skill level was in Photoshop (since that was the main program taught), so that the more advanced users could be helped out with more advanced techniques, and not have to snooze through the simple stuff that had to be gone over several times for those who weren't as technologically adept. It was also a general feeling that this would have allowed for those that needed more help with Photoshop, to get it while in class. It can be understood that they wanted uniform teaching, but that really just doesn't seem fair to those who are also paying a lot of money to be at Hallmark and are just being retaught things they already know.

Final Portfolio Review was an issue to some too. It's a lot of stress, and can be very publicly humiliating because that camera zooms right in on you for all attending to see when you're up on stage and they announce if you pass or fail. There's also the problem that the judges are brought in not really knowing what they're to be looking for, and depending on the day will effect how they grade. One day they might be more lenient than another. Due to the fact that people traveled so far to see the student they supported graduate, there was a general feeling that those who went to re-review shouldn't have to wait until the last minute to know if they would pass. That, and it was felt there should have been more time for those in re-review to fix their work. One of those probably could have been done if Portfolio Reviews were started one week sooner.

I also didn't like that sometimes the whole truth didn't seem to be given to you. And I say this speaking from when I took my leave of absence. It was to my understanding that everything would be taken care of, because that's what Tammy said. And we went over the speech thing, and I knew I'd probably have to make it up because you do have to do all three. However, I was under the impression that because I was taking this leave, and because I had the doctor's note and all, that if the speech couldn't be gotten to, then it wouldn't be an issue. Especially since the only thing that was going to effect us graduating was that portfolio anyways. I was dead wrong. And if there was anything that put a lot of undue stress on me (heard that they never had to deliver the speech anyways), it was that. As if the final portfolio wasn't enough to worry about, and then re-review on top of that. So head my warning, double check on everything that's said to you, just in case.

The guest lecturer series also goes on for too long. During the time that we were having them, a lot would have rather been in the studios working on completing their final portfolio. A few would have been nice, and were, but after a while it started to sound like they were all saying the same thing. Personally, I felt that we needed a morale booster closer to the end, and we should have had another alumni roundtable because hearing from graduates who made it into the field is closer to us.

The Pros:
The thing that sticks out best in my mind, were all the kinds of photography and opportunities afforded to you throughout the program. It might only have been ten months, but during that time you met a lot of incredible people, were given a shot at aerial photography, could take side-jobs for pay in the field, got to assist, went to NYC (I skipped, personally), had a staff that actually worked in what they taught, had both professional portrait and commercial studios to work with, equipment on loan, ability to learn a view camera and a medium format camera, and probably a lot more that I'm forgetting. But the doors this opens for you are incredible! You're able to try so many new things that it becomes difficult to decide what you want to specialize in because there are now so many choices.

Hallmark is also willing to work with you after you've graduated. Even if it's 30 years down the road and you need a new job, they're still going to be there for you. Because they actually care about their alumni. Not a lot of colleges can boast that.

Tammy is also, supposedly, available 24/7 to you. There were times I couldn't get a hold of her, but she's human too so she gets benefit of the doubt. However, the effort and thought is there, and it's not something you're going to be offered at your basic college. You can see their guidance counselor person during school hours, and that's pretty much it.

Because it's such a focused school (photography and business surrounding it), you don't have to take any general education courses. This makes it easier to focus on becoming a photographer, and doing what you love to do as a career.

Hallmark also debunks the myths of the starving artist, and explains how and why it happens. They give you hope and spark the light at the end of the tunnel that yes, you can make money as an artist. Because it's true.

The education they provide is also top-notch, and they know how to condense it. Where you might spend a semester, for example, learning Art History in a regular 2-year college, Hallmark condensed it down to four hours, done in two two-hour sessions. And we all learned what we needed to know. They're very serious about what they want to teach, and the profession, giving it that efficiency.

The instructors are also all great people. Some you may not get along with as well as others, but that's life. You're not always going to like everyone. And not everyone will like you. But you'll find a lot of support and help from the staff no matter what, and that means a lot when you're in such a situation.

Hallmark also allows for you to make important connections to professionals already out in the working world. These connections can/will help you to become a known and working photographer yourself. That's important, because you'll have $50,000-$60,000 in loans to payback to the college when you're done.

Breaking it down, Hallmark is also a fairly cheap school. Think about it. 8-5, Mon-Fri like a regular job makes that ten months actually two years worth of schooling. Meaning you're paying $25,000-$30,000 a year basically to attend the Harvard of photography. Thinking about it that way really makes it seem less costly, even though you sell your soul to the bank the day you sign that paper.

Overall:
So yes, even though Hallmark has some pretty big cons, it has a lot of pros to help make up for it. If you're not someone that does well under stress though, or who isn't serious about making Photography your career, this isn't the school for you. Hallmark is tough, and they crack the whip of technical expertise at the end of the year like you wouldn't believe. You will have three speeches you are required to do, and an Open House to put on. There will be a lot of guest lecturers that make you want to open a vein with how dull and lifeless they are, and others who will have you on the edge of your seat. There will be instructors you love, and others you can't stand. The curriculum is grueling, and it'll be like a parasite that eats at your brain because suddenly life is Hallmark. If you're even the slightest bit wary in your decision to attend, I advice you to think long and hard about it, because this is like the army. They're not going to take any shit, and they'll put you through basic training more times than you think you can hold out through. You'll want to severely harm someone, something, or yourself eventually. And if you have no confidence in yourself or your work, go get some. You're going to need it because even though the instructors and your classmates will help you out, in the end it comes down to if you have the conviction and mindset and determination to do it. And even then you may fall short due to things you didn't realize.

So if you think you're up for the challenge of your life, and think you've got what it takes, I recommend Hallmark with everything I am. But be prepared, because it doesn't matter what hardships life has thrown at you, Hallmark is going to be worse. Simply because it's ten months of the Hell, and stress, and demands. Not a brief second that goes away. But if you can make it through, you're going to have elevated yourself above the rest, and achieve things you never dreamed possible before.

Hallmark is amazing. And it was always like I was walking in a dream while attending, because I could never quite believe that I was doing it the whole time I was there. Absolutely amazing. And I wouldn't have decided otherwise for the world. But it was also Hell on Earth, and probably the most difficult life challenge I've ever gone through. I'm stronger for it, but had I not had an inner strength to begin with I would never have made it as far as I did. And I sincerely believe that had I waited a little bit, I would have graduated with flying colours.

So choose wisely boys and girls. And remember, Hallmark will change your life forever.

Final Thoughts: The Instructors

2008-07-01T02:14:00.002-04:00

My final thoughts on the instructors at Hallmark. Remember please that these are all based purely on my own experience and personality, and may or may not reflect the way you would feel about each individual.

Rob Archer
Rob is probably the first instructor I befriended as I was late to the first three days of class (hooray for killing an alarm clock and having a different time than Hallmark!) and found out how basic the web design was at first. He has the best voice I have ever heard, and sometimes I forgot to pay attention in class because my mind was too busy memorizing how his voice sounded. If this man were a voice actor, I would go out of my way to watch everything he spoke in, just like I do for Illich (see Gojyo in Saiyuki). Rob teaches web design at Hallmark, and he is insanely knowledgeable on the topic. He's warm and friendly, and always willing to help you out. Plus, his hair is amazing. And he did the hair flip for us. TOTAL WIN. Do not ever shave your head Rob, for I will be sad!!!

Rich Barnes
Rich is a rare sight during the beginning of the year, or at least he was for us, since he owns his own studio (Barnes Portrait Photography) and works under a special contract with Hallmark. But he graduated from Hallmark, and is an amazing portrait artist. He has a funny personality, and a personal "war" against Michael Zide that you will either enjoy (like me) or find bothersome. But it keeps things lively and entertaining at Hallmark, which is always good. Rich was the guy whose opinion I valued most on my portraits, because I felt a major draw towards him. I think it's because he's iving my dream, studio wise. That, and he has some of the BEST STORIES you will ever hear. Ever. Class is never boring with Rich, it's just not possible.

Paul Bissex
Paul was fun, and he always had a smile on his face. He's not one of the stronger people in my mind though, and I think that's because he taught web design along side Rob, who as you know, was busy making my brain lull to memorization of vocal tones mode. But I have no bad memories of him either, except for the car accident at the end of the year, and I sincerely hope that he is well enough to return to Hallmark in September. He has a wealth of knowledge when it comes to getting a domain name, and where to get it, along with writing your resume. And I know a resource like him is hard to come by. So pray for him however you prefer, and all of the Class of 2009 hope to be able to meet him.

Thom Burden
Thom wasn't an instructor, but he's David Fraizer's look-alike, and the man behind the technology at Hallmark. When it comes to the projector units, and all things related, he knows how to work it. Without him, Hallmark would not function at such a wonderful standard. Thank you Thom, and have fun sailing!

Peter Chilton
Peter... is the Hallmark Giant to me. This man TOWERS over me, and I swear he could use me as an armrest. Which, in a way, is kinda cool. But yes, anyone who is barely 5', watch out for this guy. He's the super tall one with awesome indie glasses. Peter helped teach design to us, and he's the kind of Photoshop user that you see all over the internet these days. The ones that are hip with the times and compositing with super amounts of layers and textures. You know, things I can't do. So if you're interested in that, hit up Peter for knowledge on it, because he's the man. Also check out his bands, Bane and Silent Drive. Both are AWESOME.

Dick D'Alessandro
Dick is down-to-earth, and he tells it like it is. He's the one that won't bullshit you about the program, and about what's going on. And when it comes to the commercial studio, watch out, because this guy is ON FIRE. He has an amazing commercial knowledge that he loves to share, and he will inspire you just as much as you can inspire him. He loves to have fun, and so long as you discuss the more involved (aka dangerous) ideas with him first, you can do pretty much anything. I really loved him for that, because he truly understands the inhibition of creativity.

Tony Downer
Tony is the guy who made me first feel noticed at Hallmark, because he found me to be intimidating in determination. And that meant something to me, because it meant I was leaving a good impression. Tony is the guy that doesn't bullshit about your images, or about what's going on in ANYTHING. He's going to tell you straight to your face if your photo sucks or not, so if you go to see him you better have some balls. But you'll be a better photographer for it. He has a goofy love for odd clothing as well, so watch out for this crazy green and white checked suit that he has. It's retina burning in crazy. But his orange jumpsuit during aerial photography is faaaar better.

David Fraizer
David is probably the zaniest of the bunch, in that he's like a seven year old kid trapped in an adult's body. This guy comes to class with sound effects and energy no matter what! And he's cut back from coffee to tea! Some people are really annoyed by this, but I find it refreshing and relaxing. I've found that I always learn better in a fun environment. I will admit though, David can be too thorough sometimes in his lectures, going over things a few too many times, and I fell asleep on him more than once. I feel bad about it, but if my mind gets bored, and with the chilly air from the AC keeping the computers cool... I just sort of dozed. >.< However, thanks to David, I can now comfortably work with InDesign. He is the master of that program, and it submits to him.

Gabriel Hmieleski
Gabe taught us about how to care for our computers, and was the preacher of Macs. This man has a vendetta for Windows, so us Windows users couldn't help but pick on the poor guy. But you can't help but love him, because he's like a computer hippie. He has this big beard, and he always, ALWAYS, smiles when he sees you. And he has these awesome love analogies. Gabe tels us he's a painter, but we secretly know he's a computer geek deep down inside. And we love him for it.

David Langley
David is probably the CUTEST elderly man I have ever met. And I mean that in a platonic way. He's just so sweet, and helpful, and it's wonderful to work with him. He has a wide variety of interests, and a ton of experience as a working commercial photographer. When it comes to the industry, and what's looked for in an assistant, he's the guy to go to. Sometimes he can seem harsh, and like he doesn't care, but that's in his nature from work. And there is no way you can hate him for it. If you're looking into doing anything commercial or assistant related, and you don't speak to David, you've wasted your money. He's a powerhouse of knowledge on it, and willing to share. All you have to do is ask.

Michael Merrit
Michael was not one of my favourite instructors. He tries very hard to add humour to the class, and while there are those who enjoyed it I'm sure, I wasn't one of them. To me it felt like he talked Photoshop to death, and that just kind of made things boring. As a person though, he seems like a really nice guy, and he's more than willing to help you out. I know I received some from him before. He knows his stuff, it can just be hard to pay attention. And I blame the system for a lot of it, but I'll discuss that in another post.

Tammy Murphey
Tammy is the "mom" of Hallmark, and basically the guidance counselor. I didn't get along too well with her though, due to a severe personality clash. Something about her I just didn't like, and so I kept a bit of distance. But she really is always there if you need anything, so don't hesitate to go see her.

Lindsay Nelson
Lindsay was often the model for the other portrait instructors, and I'm going for the reason being that she's the youngest and lacked seniority. But she's a good sport, and she knows her stuff. Sadly, that's all I can tell you because I had trouble telling the three female instructors apart. They all looked the same to me; probably because they were all blonde with short hair. o.o;;; But I can tell you that she's a very nice person.

Shelly Nicholson
Shelly was responsible for the school store, and a lot of our student records. I found her to be a good friend, always having a smile for us students, and a really friendly personality. She's a great one to talk to.

John Nordell
John is the local photojournalist, and he was the one who reviewed my portfolio during my interview at Hallmark. He and I made a connection then, and I felt like I had a connection to him all year. He's a really neat guy with some interesting stories to tell. Some of his classes seem a bit hokey though, but bear with him, they all serve a purpose. In the end, he teaches the oddball side of photography, and the thought process and creativity behind it, in a sense. He's also the guy to go to when you have an event you're going to photograph, and you want some pointers. This guy is renowned for his photojournalism, and you'd do good to learn about it.

Danica Perry
Danica was another of the females. She helps with portraiture stuff, and weddings I think, but I don't remember much else. Possibly Quickbooks... but like I said, the females all blended together to me. ^^; I know she was nice!

Tom Prutisto
Tom is the head guy in Photoshop, and he's the epitome of what you'd figure an artist would look like. Like Michael it seemed lie his lessons dragged though, and once again I blame the system. But he was a cool guy, and good for looking at your prints to check their quality. Make sure you have him look at your stuff. He's got a really good eye for quality control.

George Rosa III
George is the most involved president I've ever seen, and he's willing to work with the students as much as the instructors because he truly believes in his school. This helps to make the learning experience better, and I respect him a lot for all his efforts.

Christina Sheppard
The last of the three blonde females. Christina I think is the one whose going to teach you about taxes at 8am on a Monday morning, but I won't swear to it. She's got a very business-like nature to her though, I remember that much. And I respected it greatly.

Joey Skroski
Joey runs the equipment room where you can borrow stuff. He's fun and likes to joke around, but don't piss this guy off because it never ends well. He can get revenge like no tomorrow! But in a fun way.

Paul Teeling
Paul was not someone I saw eye-to-eye with. His idea of what made a photograph good and mine differed a lot. But still, he has his own vision and that was cool. Something to watch out for with him though, is that his voice is very monotone. It put me to sleep more than once, which I regret. He will teach all girls how to be as strong as a guy though if they're interested in doing commercial work, which is awesome. And add to that a very open personality, and you have a very likable guy. Sometimes I'm sad my personality seemed to clash with his.

Joan Terry
Joan is the hardest design expert to get in to see. She often has a line at her door, and will spend a good two hours talking to you and helping you out. But the information she can give you, and the advice she has, is priceless. If you are at all interested in design, this is the woman to see. What's really strange though, now that I think about it, is that she's the only female I recognized on sight. I think it's because she's a brunette, and not blonde.

Michael Zide
Michael is the guy to see if you're into weird stuff like me. He and I made an instant connection the day he was playing Beach Boys and talking about El Chupacabra. He has this wonderful personality that full of charm and humour, and he'll never fail to keep you entertained if you're a little bit out in left field like me. Any time I had an oddball item, or idea, I went to him, and he shared the same with me. I will never forget when he demonstrated a bad diagonal to us. He's just super funny, and a wealth of information when it comes to landscapes and fine art.

So there you have it, my final views on all the instructors and some assorted staff.

I am a Graduate... kind of

2008-07-01T01:24:00.002-04:00

So my parents and I went and met with George on Friday, and I feel like I graduated now. Not that I actually did, but because George explained the decision and it makes sense. Everything just sort of came together. And it's a reasoning I cannot argue with.

So this is why I didn't graduate: Four of the six images I re-shot were of phase two quality, and not phase four. While I did have the help of my instructors, they can only offer advice on lighting. The way the shot is set up, and how I shoot it/expose it are entirely up to me. And so is the subject matter. The other item is that they picked my weakest group of images to re-shoot, meaning that not all of the images I already had were of top quality. And so, thanks to an over-abundance of stress I am still learning to work under, I was unable to technically graduate from Hallmark.

I still feel like a graduate though, because I took the extra step to go see George, and I'm immensely glad that I did. It cleared up my questions, and made both my parents and I feel a lot better. And while we were there, George and I put together a mini portfolio of my best images that I can get work with. He'd like for me to get some better group images as well to demonstrate that to my fullest ability too, so I'm going to get on that as soon as I can.

Out of everything I shot though, there were fourteen images that made it into that smaller body of best work, and it surprised George. He told us he was worried that he and I'd be working together over the summer and that he wouldn't find much to go on in my portfolio. So I'm glad that I proved him wrong. I like proving people wrong in instances like those.

I would love to show you all the final portfolio that failed re-review, and to show you the mini one, but sadly I still have to get everything off my portable hard drive. Which, I need a Mac to do, and I can't get my hands on one until Thursday when I see my aunt. So that will have to wait.

And I also learned a very valuable lesson: It's going to take experience for me to learn to properly work under stress. So you better believe I'll be working at it!

But yes, I feel like I graduated now. I will be posting my final thoughts soon.

And in the mean time, please see my new blog to follow my life after Hallmark, since I tend to have some interesting adventures!

It's Over

2008-06-20T01:26:00.002-04:00

So it's all over. Myself and three others failed the re-review process, and will not be graduating with the class of 2008 at Hallmark. At this point in time, I don't know why I failed. All George was able to tell me was that all five panelists, who were our instructors this time, failed me.

Let's go over the past few days though, before I get into anymore re-review details.

During the last two days I've worked with Rich Barnes on picking out images I had for my portfolio. During the time we also figured out how to crop and tone things, and where other retouching was needed. He offered advice and had me print extra so that we could pick and choose for my additional personal submissions.

After sitting with Rich, I saw David Fraizer about the conceptual. I was supposed to go see Joan, but time was of the essence, and I didn't have hours to sit out in front of that woman's office waiting for her. And that's how it is because she always has a line. I can't even sugar coat this one, because it was bad enough that there were chairs for people to sit in while they waited. So I saw David and we brainstormed. I was going to do ghosts in the graveyard by painting with light and stuff, but upon looking at the criteria, it turns out it had to be done in studio. So I sat for about two hours one night going through conceptual photos on DeviantART (let's face it, there's a vast resource there once you weed through the junk) to get ideas, and finally came up with Dangerous Beauty.

My other issues were mainly commercial, and so I was in the Commercial Studio for hours. Paul Teeling and I worked together on both my metal shot, and on the conceptual one. Dick looked over my architecture, and after determining the dining room wouldn't work he sent me to the Hotel Northampton. So I did that super early in the morning and worked with Dick on that one. And then David Langley and I put together my new environmental still life. Like, David was amazingly helpful. He was explaining new tricks with exposure to me, and what I appreciated the most was that he let me borrow his filters so that we could reduce the glare that was happening and stuff. Like... David helped me make that shot, and I don't mean that lightly. That shot would not be worthy of being seen without his help.

The only person I didn't get to was Tom Purtisto. It came down to the wire Wednesday with printing, and the final bits of retouching, so I wasn't exactly living in the lap of luxury, time wise. What didn't help either, was that my mind was scattered all over from the stress, lack of sleep, and the worry about getting my equipment into Joey by 4pm. He was kind enough to let me slide on it though when I forgot the battery charger that day since I was going through the re-review process. That really took a lot of stress out of my life right then, and gave me an extra 45min to work on my stuff.

So it all came down to the wire, and I laid it out upstairs in the lounge, and myself and instructors put it in order, switched out some personal submissions, and I handed it in.

Re-review was the scariest thing all week. I was shaking something horrible, because that was it. You either passed or failed, day before graduation. Michael Zide stood with me during it, and he seemed impressed by it. He actually seemed shocked when it didn't pass.

That was around 11am. George was kind though, and told me that it wasn't the end of my career. Which, I knew. There is nothing short of severe physical injury that's going to stop me from being a photographer. And self-employed for that. David Fraizer and Shelly were also there to offer their comforts, which is nice. Because I was definitely crying, there was no stopping that. But after I spoke with them, I had to go over to the Administration Building to sign the papers saying I was leaving. What I don't get is why I had to turn in my student ID when it expires after the 20th. That kind of sucked, because I'm a sentimental person and I would have liked to have kept it. But, too late for that now I guess. :\

Andy was there, and he and I chatted for a bit as well. Everyone was very encouraging that this wasn't the end of the world. Which, I definitely knew then and know now. I just needed some time to come home and let it sink in. And call my parents and let them know.

Speaking of my parents, they demanded we head back to the school that afternoon. And my family (Aunt, grandmother, ect...) and friends are a bit up in arms over it as well. But I'll go into that later.

All I know is that all five panelists failed me. And they were Rich, Dick, Tony, Joan, and Tom. From what George said, somehow I didn't meet the artistic or technical expectations. I'm not sure how, but he encouraged us to return next week where he would go over the portfolio picture-by-picture with myself and my parents, and determine where my weaknesses are, and what I can do to improve. So that's definitely nice of him. I can't get my certificate of completion, but at least I'm not being thrown out with nothing. George said it's because I handled it calmly, and he, like everyone else, was then shocked to find out I'm 19. But, I expected that. I've gotten used to it.

I think what stung the most, was letting down those who were cheering me on. I don't know how I do it, but somehow I can put this behind me and move on with ease. My guess is that it'll just hit me slowly. But I have no regrets, because you know what? I made it. I stuck it out through the thick and thin for ten months, the first time ever being on my own, and while I may not have passed, I proved to myself that I can do anything I put my mind to.

But yes, I cannot graduate. I still have the education though, and I will still use it.

I will put some final thoughts and overviews up another day. I need to pack, and start moving back to NY.

Just Can't Win v_v;

2008-06-17T12:39:00.002-04:00

So I come home today for lunch, and to pick up stuff to use in the CS, and what do I see but a freaking weather warning! I can't win!

Here's what it says:

" Special Weather Statement

HARTFORD CT-TOLLAND CT-WINDHAM CT- WESTERN FRANKLIN MA- EASTERN FRANKLIN MA-NORTHERN WORCESTER MA-CENTRAL MIDDLESEX MA- WESTERN ESSEX MA-EASTERN ESSEX MA-WESTERN HAMPSHIRE MA- WESTERN HAMPDEN MA-EASTERN HAMPSHIRE MA- EASTERN HAMPDEN MA- SOUTHERN WORCESTER MA-WESTERN NORFOLK MA-SOUTHEAST MIDDLESEX MA- SUFFOLK MA-EASTERN NORFOLK MA-NORTHERN BRISTOL MA- WESTERN PLYMOUTH MA-EASTERN PLYMOUTH MA-NORTHERN MIDDLESEX MA- CHESHIRE NH- EASTERN HILLSBOROUGH NH- WESTERN AND CENTRAL HILLSBOROUGH NH-NORTHWEST PROVIDENCE RI- SOUTHEAST PROVIDENCE RI- WESTERN KENT RI-EASTERN KENT RI- INCLUDING THE CITIES OF...HARTFORD... WINDSOR LOCKS...UNION... VERNON... PUTNAM...WILLIMANTIC...CHARLEMONT... GREENFIELD... ORANGE...BARRE... FITCHBURG...FRAMINGHAM...LOWELL... LAWRENCE... GLOUCESTER... CHESTERFIELD...BLANDFORD...AMHERST... NORTHAMPTON... SPRINGFIELD...MILFORD... WORCESTER...FOXBORO...NORWOOD... CAMBRIDGE...BOSTON...QUINCY... TAUNTON...BROCKTON...PLYMOUTH... AYER...JAFFREY...KEENE...MANCHESTER... NASHUA...PETERBOROUGH... WEARE... FOSTER...SMITHFIELD...PROVIDENCE... WEST GREENWICH... WARWICK 1018 AM EDT TUE JUN 17 2008

...SCATTERED STRONG THUNDERSTORMS WITH HAIL AND FREQUENT LIGHTNING ARE EXPECTED TO DEVELOP THIS AFTERNOON...

SKIES HAVE BECOME PARTLY SUNNY ACROSS MOST OF SOUTHERN NEW ENGLAND LATE THIS MORNING. THE DAYTIME HEATING WILL COMBINE WITH AN APPROACHING COLD FRONT TO TRIGGER SCATTERED AFTERNOON THUNDERSTORMS.

THE SCATTERED THUNDERSTORMS ARE EXPECTED TO DEVELOP ACROSS THE REGION BETWEEN NOON AND 2 PM. THE THUNDERSTORMS WILL BE HIT OR MISS... BUT COULD POPUP JUST ABOUT ANYWHERE THROUGH EARLY AFTERNOON. AS WE GET LATER IN THE AFTERNOON...THE FOCUS FOR THE SCATTERED THUNDERSTORMS SHOULD SHIFT INTO SOUTHEAST NEW HAMPSHIRE... EASTERN MASSACHUSETTS AND PORTIONS OF RHODE ISLAND. THE ACTIVITY SHOULD THEN MOVE OFF THE COAST BY EARLY EVENING.

WHILE A MAJOR SEVERE WEATHER OUTBREAK IS NOT EXPECTED...THESE THUNDERSTORMS ARE EXPECTED TO PRODUCE HAIL ALONG WITH FREQUENT CLOUD TO GROUND LIGHTNING. A FEW OF THE STORMS WILL PROBABLY BECOME SEVERE AND PRODUCE LARGE HAIL. A SECONDARY CONCERN IS FOR GUSTY WINDS WITH THE STRONGER STORMS.

THOSE WITH OUTDOOR PLANS TODAY SHOULD HAVE A PLACE OF SAFETY AVAILABLE AND PAY ATTENTION TO THE LATEST WEATHER INFORMATION. YOU SHOULD BE PREPARED TO GET TO A SAFE PLACE AT THE FIRST SIGN OF THREATENING WEATHER."

Greeeeaaaaat. Seriously, WHY NOW!? Couldn't this all... oh... I don't know... wait until NEXT week? When I'm NOT busy!? Good god... >.<; And I need to shoot in a graveyard after dark today too for my conceptual. The weather better clear up by then! *shakefist*

The skies are already starting to darken too. ;_;

Wind and Hail

2008-06-16T20:51:00.002-04:00

So, that storm that was scaring the crap out of me is all gone I think. It's been calm for about three hours now... so it should be. But um, it created winds powerful enough to drive the branches on the trees next to the apartment against the walls (they're a good distance away). And then there was the marble sized hail. Good god... You better believe I freaked out. Grabbed my blanket, laptop, and pillow, and then hid out in my mini-hallway. Since that's the only centrally located room with no outside walls. It was the safest place to be. Rachael offered me space at her house so I wouldn't be alone and scared, but um... there was no way I was going outside. What-so-ever. I'm still not. I'll wait for tomorrow. When I can watch the skies. At least in NY I know the weather fairly well... here in MA I'm a bit more clueless. It's further south and closer to the coast than where I am in NY, and much lower in elevation, so... things are different. And I hate it. I am going to try to be to Hallmark by 8am though to make up for time missed today. I need to. I've already set my alarm for 7am. Now I just have to get my stomach to stop rejecting the dinner I gave it from the panic attack after effects, and relax so I can get to bed at a normal hour. Oh, and do some retouching so that I have less to complete tomorrow, and just a lot of printing. That would be good. But, first things first, I gotta calm down. So I'm going to watch a few episodes of Saiyuki, take my mind off troubles, so that I can concentrate. Working while shaking produces bad imagery. That was lesson number one in photo retouching from Miss. Mierzwa. Granted, we were working with dye, but photoshop is no different. You can make bad digital marks after all. So I'm off to stop the shakes and panic. And then to work.

I'm late, I'm late...

2008-06-16T16:47:00.002-04:00

I'm late! I'm late! I'm very, very late! >.< I didn't get out of the house until 12:30pm. Ugh. So I got in about 3pm, and that'd have been fine to print proofs and go to the school... except I had to run and buy ink. THERE IS ALWAYS SOMETHING. *falls over* @_@;; So it looks like tonight I am going to retouch the things that were listed on my super laggy laptop (Mamiya files are just toooooo big. >.<;;), and then tomorrow I'll get some crits and shoot in the CS. And see Joan about the conceptual image.

I have ideas for the conceptual, thanks to my family yesterday. Which is good, because I just can't do conceptual to save my life. I'm a very straight-forward person unless I'm doing dream symbols or tarot readings. Oh, and palmistry. But if it's not astrological/spiritualistic, I'm screwed. So out of every image, this is the hardest for me. So I really gotta see Joan first this time around. But I might do "A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down" or "Don't burn a candle at both ends". Either should be fairly easy to do. But I'm not thinking on that right now.

Right now I'm watching the sky get pitch black outside... and panicking a bit. I knew it was gonna be bad when I crested the peak elevation on I90E, and saw the haze on the mountains below me... and I love storms... but there's a wind warning with this. And I can't handle the wind. Which... is picking up something awful as I type this. Wind and I just don't get along ever since the tornado scare back when I was nine. I will NEVER forget that. In under a half an hour I moved all my possessions from my bedroom upstairs down to the basement, while crying, and puked all over the kitchen floor in fear. And um... I think I'm gonna go freak out now...

OH MY GOD I AM GOING TO REALLY FREAK OUT. *flailspazrunhide*

Diiiiizzy. @_@;;

2008-06-15T22:15:00.002-04:00

So today I was up by 11am and re-shot my family portrait in the home. So that is done. I wasn't able to reshoot my couple, so I'm just going to fix the tones. Thankfully, that is an option on my list. I also went and visited with my Dad's side of the family for Father's Day. Had a nice dinner and long chats with the family. Now see, I was supposed to come home and shoot stuff after that, but instead I had to lay down. Why? Because I got out of the car and almost fell over. I've been dizzy since 3pm, but it just really hit hard around 5pm. I thought it was hunger at first, but then I ate dinner. And I'd go for dehydration, but I've had something to drink (not liquor you jokers out there lol) in my hand/next to me at all times. So it can't be that. And after a two hour nap, I was still feeling crappy, so I don't even know that it's lack of sleep. It is better now that I napped though, not by much sadly, but enough that I was able to retouch my architectural shot that I did yesterday. That finally decided it would be able to open. Oi. Maybe the dizziness is from stress, is that possible? I think it is... It's either that, or a form of heat poisoning, or a bug. Bleh. All I'm gearing for right now, is being able to drive back tomorrow morning. I'm aiming for 10am as my leaving time, so that I have the afternoon to shoot, but if I'm still dizzy I won't do it. God I hate this. -_-;; I DON'T HAVE TIME TO BE SICK! D:

An Early Graduation Gift

2008-06-14T22:17:00.000-04:00

My parents got me an early graduation gift that has me PSYCHED. They got me the Nikon D200, along with the 17-110mm lens and 70-300mm lens special from Adorama that I wanted. Plus a set of four filters (protecting, enhancing, warming, and polarizer), an extra protection filter, a cleaning kit, an extra battery, and a camera bag. O_O My parents are amazing. I couldn't have asked for better. It is my baby. <3

And for all you B+H Photo fans, my Mom emailed them asking if they could beat Adorama's prices and offers, and they couldn't. So if you're looking for a bit more of a deal, Adorama is the place to go, I swear.

In fact, that reminds me. I have to go jump on their 4gb Sandisk CF cards for under $40 special... >.> *dashes off*

Re-review

2008-06-14T15:54:00.002-04:00

Okay, so I have to do re-review. I was at Hallmark until 8pm because of it, but I'm not going into those details right now because it's hot and I can't be bothered. Anyways, I'm back in NY, and just got back from shooting my architecture over. So that's one down.

On the agenda to reshoot I also have:
-In Home Family
-Environmental Still Life (can't prove it's not in studio)
-Conceptual (I'm sol on ideas... >.<)
-Metal (lit it wrong)
-Pet+Owner (my sister screwed me over again)
-Two personal submissions (gonna do uranium glass for one)
-Couple if possible

So I have a lot to do, but I know I can get it done. I already got one down. And I'm knocking as many off while I'm here at home as I can. The majority of it is simply a bit more retouching and recropping. So I'm feeling confident that I'll get it done.

On a side note, I found our Rich Barnes reads my blog since he asked about the bat. Anyone else that's wondering, I opened the top part of my window without a screen, locked myself in my bedroom, and when I went out a few hours later he was gone. Guess his bat friends called him outside or something. Whatever it was, I'm glad, but I still watch the ceilings for more of them. Ugh. And I like bats too, just... when they're outside. >.<;

But, Rich told me not to be blogging since I had so much work to do. Which... means I had to, of course. Hehe. Nah, I probably wouldn't have if I wasn't on some down time while my brother showers for pet+owner. Since my sister decided that the movies with the boyfriend are more important, she's no longer a viable model. So my brother and his rabbit are going to sit for me. He just needs a shower really bad. Silly boys playing in the dirt. xD

Dear Andrew

2008-06-10T20:51:00.003-04:00

So I received a comment from Andrew, asking if I was going to post my overall experience on here when this is over. The answer is yes, when it's done I will post my overall experience. I will be talking about the ins and outs, and what I found good and bad here. I'll give a brief insight as to my stay in MA, and about the living situation I had (since it hasn't been too good). I'll also be sharing my thoughts and feelings on the instructors here. But to save myself the trouble of making a mistake before it's all over, I'm waiting for after graduation to comment on all this stuff. Plus, that will probably be a good way to round out this blog before creating a new one for the journey after Hallmark.

Thank you so much for reading, and gaining insight from it. If you do have questions, or wish to talk, my contact information is on here. I'm always willing to field any questions you might have for a current student. Just drop me a line in my inbox. :)

I WANT OUT! D: BAT!

2008-06-08T23:29:00.002-04:00

THERE IS A FUCKING BAT IN MY APARTMENT! And the worst part? NO ONE WILL COME TO HELP! *cries*

Seriously, I have no fear of bats... IN THE WILD. But in my apartment? I WANT NO PART OF THAT. D:

So I called 911. This was my conversation...

911: 911, what's your emergency?
Me: There's a bat in my apartment, I need animal control.
911: I'm sorry ma'am, this line is for emergencies only, you'll have to call them yourself.
Me: I don't have a number, could you at least give me that?
911: 772-2779
Me: 7-7-
911: Please hurry up ma'am, this line is for emergencies.

And after repeating it back she hung up on me. HOW AM I NOT AN EMERGENCY!? IS THIS COMMON IN MASSACHUSETTS!?

So I call that number... and I get voice mail. No one is in.

So I'm telling my Mom, and she calls Greenfield Police. Who tell her there's nothing they can do, and directed her to another animal control place...

...Who told my mother to contact someone private, they don't operate that late.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?

So upstairs I went to get Celia, who came downstairs with me... and we tried to catch it ourselves. It was hanging on the draperies in the living room, and so we tried to press it against the window into a tupperware container... but that failed. And now it's on the woodwork in my kitchen. We can't get it. And what if it's rabid? Or diseased? I really don't want to be attacked because we were aggressive towards it. I know that bats won't actively attack a human, but self defense is a strange slave driver...

So I'm holed up in my bedroom. I have a door out in here, and a fan, clothes... pretty much the basics. If I want to pee though... I have to go through the kitchen. Hopefully I'll be okay... but that just creeps me out. D:

Seriously though, why won't anyone come out to help me? No one said animals were convenient! Especially wild ones! And how did it get in here? All my windows have screens, and the chimney flute is blocked off, completely. Like... there is no visible way that I can see...

So yeah, I'm holed up in my bedroom with nothing but a sock holding that door shut because it doesn't latch any other way, a bat is making its home in my kitchen, I have to pretty much freak out to try and go to the bathroom, and the heat is deadly. Having the door open helped because the air could flow better... great.

I cannot wait to get the hell out of here. Seriously, the 20th cannot come FAST ENOUGH.

And no, can't call the relator. She can't even replace a bulb in the public hallway, you think she's going to come out to catch a bat? Please. But that's another matter, one Celia and I are taking up with Tammy tomorrow because we both have had a very negative experience with Susan. Not getting into it now.

So if anyone is reading this... HELP. If you can. I've been at this since 10pm... ;_;

Wanna Race?

2008-06-07T00:02:00.002-04:00

So I had to go into Saratoga today to pick some stuff up, and on my way back the most epic thing happened. I thought I was going to have to pull over I was laughing so hard.

What you have to understand, is that on route 50 (which you travel to get where I was going) there is this line of lights. Like... there are at least 7 of them. On the way back, the last one before you can get onto Broadway has signals to go straight, right, or left.

So here I am , starting to slow down to come to a stop at the light before last, where I need to go straight and get off of the main road to head home. It's heavy traffic, and hard to merge and move. I'm looking at my surroundings, seeing what's near, and to my left in the other lane comes this car that would have been nice, had it not looked like the boys inside of it beat it to death with a rubber mallet. This car had more dents in it than the moon has craters, I swear. It was a royal shit box. But they must have been proud of it the way they drove.

Anyways, so there they are, coming up beside me. The next thing I see are windows going down. Yeah, you KNOW somethings up. I ended up ahead of them by a bit because of how traffic was flowing, but then they were beside me again, revving their engine as if they were driving a Corvette or something. By now I've turned down my music and am laughing. Though to them I probably looked like I was grinning, which I was doing that too.

They're in that car, hollering out cat calls and asking for my phone number. You have GOT to be kidding me. Amusing, funny, but definitely not a turn on. At all. But I kept glancing over at them, and then they start revving the engine more. And creeping up past me and hanging back. Ya know, giving all the signals that they want to race. In heavy downtown traffic. Now, I know guys don't always use their brains, but this is ridiculous.

So of course I humoured them. And there was only one reason why I did, and that was that the motorcyclists merged into the left lane so that they could take the left onto Broadway, and I could move forward. So I tapped the gas peddle a bit harder than normal, gave the engine a little rev, and pulled forward. They tried to keep pace, but alas, I didn't have a car in front of me, and they did.

That's about when I went through the light off of the main road, and headed for home. Kept tabs in my rear-view though in case they decided they wanted to follow me. They didn't, thank goodness. I had to go to Stewarts and pick up milk anyways, but having to stop at a public place to call Dad and the police because I'm being tailed isn't my idea of a good day.

Still, it was pretty epic. And it'll make for a good conversation piece. Idiots. x'D

It's Like the World is Spinning

2008-06-06T23:50:00.002-04:00

So, I've got a bit of an update for today.

First off, my little cousin is home and doing well.
Second, the bunny died.

Those two don't really need anything more in depth.

Then there's my stomach, that has been bothering me since Wednesday evening. Ugh. Woke up sick with it the past two days, but I think I'm through the worst of it. What was rotten was my leg acting up with the rotten humid weather. Chopping it off seemed like a great idea to get away from the pain. It was severe. >.<

Sunday I have the wedding to do in CT, and I am SUPER EXCITED! Not just for the wedding, but because after it I am going to meet a friend who I met online. We're meeting up in a Barnes and Noble shop, so it's all good. Always much safer when you meet in a public place, yah? Rachael is coming with me as my assistant too, so that'll be fun.

Tomorrow I will get back into MA, and Rachael is spending the night. We're going to watch Azumanga Daioh and make clay polymer beads. Like... I want to make the beads now, but I promised I'd wait and do it with her. x'D We're soooo going to need a rolling pin, because I don't have the clay press thing. ^^;

I'm also going to finish up the pendents I made for friends online, and ship them out. Just gotta add the sealant and attach the hardware. :3 Soooo close. I still have a few to make, but I'm waiting on designs.

Then there is the fact that I am packing and returning home to NY. So my whole apartment has to come back. Dad and I might have to make another trip out after graduation, but it won't be too bad. Two and a half hours is actually a really simple drive to me now. I think I've come to ADORE traveling. :D

The biggest news though, which I found out about this morning via email, is that Paul Bissex was in an accident earlier this week, and is in serious condition. He's one of our instructors at Hallmark, so we're all wishing him well and hoping he gets better. I bet things are a bit more somber there, or at least were, for a while. I'll know better on Monday when I'm back. I really hope he pulls through it okay. There is a blog set up about it, but I'll spare the link this time. So I'll be checking that daily to keep up-to-date with what's happening with Paul.

Other than that stuff... life is peaceful? I have one more update, but that deserves its own post because... well... it was epic. x'D

Things to do, Things to do

2008-06-06T04:48:00.002-04:00

Why am I up late you might ask? Well, I'm providing a listening ear to a friend in need. And then I'll get to bed, only to wake up, try to find some inspiration to shoot, go pick up my pills so I don't get super depressed and suicidal again, cash my expense check, run to Saratoga and pick up some needed supplies, go to the post office... yeah, gonna be a bit busy. ^^; I might have to do the post office Saturday though. Either in NY or MA. Depends on how early I head back. But tomorrow night I definitely can't stay up this late. Heeeeell no. That'd be suicide for driving back!

And the big thing I need to do: CLEAN MY ROOM. Like, it's good as it is for living in, but I need to clean it so I have space to bring my stuff back and unpack. And I feel really guilty for leaving MA, because I made a close friend and leaving her really sucks. Like... a lot. v_v; But, can't financially stay in MA, and I'm also thinking of continuing my education as it is.

Hallmark is great and all, but I feel like they've only scratched the surface, business wise, and since I know I'm a budding entrepreneur (and a control freak), I want to go for business. Probably a smart decision. And I already have three credits for it from HS, thanks to College in the Classroom. Actually, from that I have at least six college credits that transfer to a TON of colleges. So that's a big plus to me!

What is nice about attending Hallmark first though, is that I won't have to take the bullshit courses, aka general studies. So I can get to the meat and potatoes and skip the gravy, ya know? I always hated gravy, too... >.> ANYWAYS! So I'm really considering college afterwards. And since I'll be doing that, I also thought about taking up languages again. I hated Spanish while I was in High School, and now I miss it. A lot. So I'm putting serious thought into this.

Rachael tells me that it's a lot more debt, but I don't mind. Because I know all this will help me in the end, so it's worth it. Sure, I'll have to pay it back, but education is priceless. I value what I learn a lot. And I totally covet information. Hang around me enough and you find that I ask a lot of questions. Too many, probably.

Maybe not in class, because I'm busy retaining, but afterwards watch out.

Anyways, I gotta head out. Lots to do, very little time to do it in.

Really does feel like retrograde...

2008-06-05T02:56:00.002-04:00

So I really do feel like I'm in retrograde. Got home in NY, and within an hour the baby bunny was dead. Poor little thing. I also cannot keep my stomach in order, and my emotionalness is just... all over the place.

Before I move on though, retrograde is an astrological term for when your planetary movement causes you to have a lot of bad luck. During this time you want to be careful because Murphy's Law likes to bear its ugly head three times as often, and things just tend to go wrong in general. As for how long it lasts, that depends on the planet. Mine's Venus, so it won't last long. I just can't say exactly when at the moment because the information on that is back in MA. x'D

But yeah, bad luck seems to be following me around. Which sucks. And to top it off, I think my period may be coming, which would explain a lot of things. Like my anger at the judges, and the mood swings, and depression with the pills... and the back pain, and some stomach issues, and nausea when eating, the irritableness, and all my other aches. PMS tends to just cause me issues after all. So... maybe. I don't know.

What I do know, is that it sucks. >.<

In other news, my cousin's surgery went well, and they're keeping him overnight to observe. Depending on his pain levels, he may or may not have to stay another five days. The doctor will know better tomorrow.

And in other other news... I'm going to attempt to pick up Japanese again. Self taught. Oh god... @w@;;;

Annnnnd..... Back to NY

2008-06-04T14:02:00.002-04:00

Well, I'm off to NY again today. Got family in the hospital that I'm worried about, and just generally need to get out of MA so I can fully relax. Get over the failure thing. And maybe do some shooting. No... definitely do some shooting. But the big thing is the hospital bit.

Granted, it's not immediate family, it's a cousin. But he's 7 years old and broke his thigh so bad he's in surgery right now to have temporary pins put in it so it can heal. I guess last night he was in so much pain he wouldn't even move the other leg. I've always been pretty close to that part of my family, so I feel like I need to be there. It's bad enough that I'm bugging my mom A LOT about how he's doing and what's going on. I think she's sick of me asking... >.>;;

On the cuter side, my one cat Floyd brought a baby bunny home to us last night, alive. So I've heard its been living in my bedroom where it's safe, and they've been feeding it milk. Mom says it's no bigger then a tennis ball. Super cute.

Other than that though my life has been fairly docile. I'll be back to MA on either Friday or Saturday, because I have a wedding to do in CT Sunday. Nothing big though, they just want formals. Easy wedding, for sure. Rachael is coming with me as my assistant. Super cool. :D

That's pretty much it. I'm off to go pack as much as I can into crates and boxes. It's that time of the year where I'm taking stuff home.

My Stomach can go to Hell =_=;;

2008-06-04T04:15:00.003-04:00

My stomach needs to go to Hell. Seriously. It's acting up AGAIN and pissing me off. I was sick all yesterday, isn't that enough? Of course, I'm in retrograde, so Murphy's Law and bad luck are going to be my best friends for about a month. Bleh. But seriously, I just want to sleep, and be healthy. Oi... damn stomach.

It's really bad too. My stomach is seriously my biggest fear. I'm always afraid I'll get sick, no matter where I go, what I'm doing, or how many times I've done it before. Coming to Hallmark was a personal accomplishment against my stomach, to prove I could do it.

My stomach makes me afraid to get a job, too. It played a big part in me wanting to be an entrepreneur because that way I could more flexibly work around it without the fear of getting fired. Sure, there's the threat of bankruptcy, but that doesn't scare me as much as being fired and what have you. I have more control over that.

Because of this stomach of mine, I skip out on things that could be fun. I've never been on a big school trip to places like Boston or NYC because of it. That and severe crowd claustrophobia, but still. My fear of being sick on these trips is that great. And sometimes just the fear itself can trigger my stomach. Total catch 22.

I'm sure some of you think I'm exaggerating on how bad it is, too. But I have IBS, which is a form of Fibromyalgia. Anyone with fibro can understand how painful IBS is, because they've probably experienced it. But IBS isn't something easy to live with.

Let me try to describe...

Basically, it feels like someone has poured corrosive acid all over your insides. They're on fire from a nuclear explosion. It's like your intestines are squeezing to strangle your spine, and somehow your lungs too. You're doubled over in so much pain that standing or sitting straight is literally impossible. Sometimes you cannot breathe because the pain is that intense. With it can come severe shaking that you can't stop. Almost like selective seizures to parts of your body. You don't know whether you want to cry, or scream, or moan in agony. After a while you learn to just be silent, because none of those things help. Quite often you also get severe nausea with all this, and if you attempt to take medication, you'll probably vomit. You can't usually eat or drink while it's occurring, because it tends to just make it worse. And it won't go away until there is nothing left in your system to expel. IBS is when the intestinal rhythm screws up, like two waves on the ocean crashing into each other. It makes your intestinal track try to turn itself inside-out.

What triggers it? Certain food, powerful emotions that play on your nerves, and the weather sometimes.

There are really no surefire meds for it either. There are some anti spasmatics out there that you can take, but they don't always work. And once the attack starts, they're pretty much useless. Everyone with it finds a different way of coping, but the big thing is to get your body to relax. Which is far easier said than done.

For me, I have to cool off, and read. Sometimes rock back and forth. My hands will shake, and my knees as well. In fact my knees tend to get bruised because they bang against each other and I don't notice at the time. Other pain does help distract me though, so that might be why they do it. But I just have to do this until I literally pass out from exhaustion. Sometimes, like right now, I can work on the computer. When it's not super bad. If I'm in public and can't do these things, then you might see me digging my nails into my skin, be it my palms or upper arms. I also grind my teeth, and start taking longer, deeper breathes. And I may or may not try to curl up.

What sucks the most though, is every time I vomit, how I am able to deal with it effectively seems to change. A couple years back I had to be sitting up. Now my body demands to be laying down. There was a time I had to completely freeze myself, now it's just my upper half. And so on.

But I digress, out of every challenge thrown at me in Hallmark, my IBS, my own personal demon, is the worst of them. Out of everything, it screws up more plans than I care to remember.

And let me tell ya, feeling like you're dying every time it hits ya, blows. You better believe it's caused me to leave class before, or not be able to go. It's highly distracting and unnerving.

Why am I telling you this? Because I tend to mention it a lot, and complain of it, and there are a lot of people who tell me to just deal. So here it is the full story as best I can. And a tiny bit of it is probably because it's 4:44am and the IBS is keeping me awake. I do randomly dumb things when overly tired. God help whoever it is I end up living with in the distant future, I'm gonna be a handful at times like these. @_@;;

Screwy Scheduling

2008-06-03T13:29:00.002-04:00

So I'm feeling a bit better after yesterday. Totally called in this morning though, because I was sick as a dog last night until the wee hours with my stomach. Emotions can effect me like that, yay IBS [/sarcasm]. :\ So it was like having the flu. And when I finally did get some sleep, it was restless. So I'm still very tired, but I can't just sleep all day so here I am, awake.

One thing that was nice to wake up to was an email from my HS art teacher, Miss. M. She gave me a different view on the failing, and made it out as an opportunity. And as much as I want to see it that way, and sometimes I can, I'm still far too bitter and grouchy for that. I'm going to blame my lack of experience for this one, because I've honestly only been out in the real world for a year at most. I have a lot of learning and growing to do still. But I'm sure there will come a day when I will look back on this and wonder why I didn't just take Miss. M's advice in the first place. Today just isn't that day. Still, it was kind of her to send me the email. :)

Onto the meat and potatoes of this entry though! Hallmark's screwy scheduling! Which is my current hate topic.

During the three days that we are being given time to work on fixing our portfolios in school, are three classes that I wanted to attend. Mind you, all classes are fairly optional, and I would think so especially when people will have a lot of work to do. I don't know, maybe I'm wrong, but this is what I figure. Those who were went to re-review will be working instead of in class, and those who passed go to class. Rather than more all nighters and pissy students... anyways...

So there are three classes. One I wanted to attend I don't mind being there. That'd be David Langley's class on lighting automobiles. I really am curious about this, and I want to attend, but now I don't know if I'll have time.

The two that piss me off for being in there though, are a class on marketing, and a class on advertising yourself. Both are lectures on being successful in those things, and are done by guests. To me, it would make more sense to have them over a couple of days during the review process so that everyone could attend, rather than during the week of re-review when those working might not get a chance. They seem rather important, more so than classes like Photography as a Witness and Interpreting Images. But that's just me.

I'm sure there's some reason behind it all, but I'm just irked. And it means that I'm going to be doing my damnedest to fix all my issues over that weekend so I don't have to miss them. I am SO GLAD that I have Lightroom and Photoshop on my laptop. Because I'm gonna need it.

Oh, and during that week as well, I WILL be shooting uranium glass in the CS. Because it's a personal goal of mine, and I'll be damned if I don't complete it.

I'm gonna go get some juice now, and hope it doesn't bother my stomach. Maybe some toast too. And then pass out again, because I'm still super tired.

Portfolio Blank. Survey Says!

2008-06-03T01:07:00.002-04:00

My portfolio for Hallmark failed. I have to go to re-review. Which means I get everything back on the 13th, including finding out exactly what has to be fixed, and have until the 19th to fix everything.

If you're curious, the whole final portfolio can be viewed here: CLICK

So, today was the day I had my Portfolio Review. 11:25am I see my work displayed on stage. I have my parents and Rachael with me. My parents left NY at 6am to be here for this, because Hallmark told them they couldn't make sure I went in the afternoon so that they didn't have to be quite so inconvenienced. That left my 17 year old sister and 13 year old brother to get themselves off to school this morning. Good job Hallmark.

So the judges look it over, and the teachers, and the guy can't figure out what he wants to show on my website, and then my name is called and we go to the stage. You know, to sit in front of your whole section, all eyes on you, to hear the verdict. I was already informed that there was an issue with my male. I clicked the wrong version to print, so this one wasn't fully grayscaled out to black and white. No biggie. Minor error. It's hard to tell anyways. How they did is beyond me. But anyways, regardless of if I passed or failed, that had to be fixed.

So there we are, and the portfolio is announced Not Accepted. And really, I was expecting it because I just seem to see things differently. Not only that, but I have a very simplistic style, and you don't see that often at Hallmark it feels like. And I also refused to become a similar photographer to what it felt like was wanted. Part of it though, I blame on the fact that I used to be a writer, before I ever picked up my first SLR camera. But most importantly, I've just never been fully good at anything. I thought I was at photography, but guess not. :\

So while it hurt to hear that, I half-knew it was coming. Sure, I hoped that it would be accepted, and I could finally fully relax, but it wasn't. Tony and George Rosa III were kind though, and offered words of encouragement. Which was nice, that helped. But the first person to speak to me about my portfolio was David Turner. I have come to the conclusion that I do not like this man.

Now, I was on the fence about him for a while. Sometimes he irritated me, sometimes he didn't. But it's decided, fully, I do not like him. And I lost some respect for Barbara Bordnick as well.

Anyways, David was the first one up to talk about my work. He had not ONE kind word to say. NOT ONE. He told me this was just no good, my lighting was wrong, and just had no appreciation for it or any of my reenactment stuff. When it came to my PR and ALT shots, he said that it was like we were trying on clothes, too simple, and he just didn't like it at all. He also didn't like my indoor family, which to be honest I knew was a weak image but I just could not get a family for the life of me, because of the harsh shadow from flash. I knew that was coming. Still though, he just rubbed me the wrong way. Told me that I had just scraped the basics, and it broke their hearts to fail me. That it was obvious I had attended class and knew what I was doing, but I just hadn't taken it that one step further to WOW them. Then he compared me to another student, as he spoke about my athlete. Told me that where as the other student took the time to drive alongside a motorcyclist and photograph, it looked like I just pulled the car around back and there was the neighbors or something. Well... YEAH! These photos are supposed to tell a story! But he told me I should have done it at the track. I'm sorry, but all the tracks this kid can race at are at least an hour away, and you aren't allowed to do photography before hand because of safety checks and stuff that go on, and afterwards that car will look like hell. This ain't Nascar folks. This is a sixteen year old kid who races on Saturday. He and his dad are team mates, and they work on the cars in their garage at home. They have no mechanics or anything like that, just good friends. He does homework and attends school like all other kids his age. Doesn't that make it appropriate to his location? Does that not tell a better story? Apparently small town life just isn't good enough for a hot shot NYC photographer who basically talks as if he IS the craft.

What made me want to laugh the most at David though, was that he asked when I had first picked up a camera. Told me that my point and shoot from fifth grade didn't count. And he had no comment when I told him it was 11th grade. That I was only nineteen.

But yes, David really, honestly and truly, made me feel that in order to make a good portfolio, I needed to have a ton of money. Because the guy he compared me to definitely had it. He was taking helicopters up and shooting the NYC skyline, Niagara Falls, and doing other such expensive things. And he was already an accomplished photographer before coming here, he just wanted the credentials. Don't compare me to someone like that! It's not fair, and it's not right.

Beth Reynolds was the next to give me a critique. And her's, while I still have a bit to say on it, I can live with. And there is a simple reason why: She took the time to give me some good with the bad. When it comes to critiquing, I have ALWAYS maintained that you cannot just say bad things, you need to have some positive, or it's just destructive. So I could take Beth's, and swallow it. She, unlike David, loved my ALT shot. She did make reference to my Family Portrait outdoors, and while she loved it, she told me I should have waited for the two boys to breathe and relax, that I had taken the picture a moment too soon. I kind of wanted to laugh, because those two boys were just... I don't know what. But that was the moment. Still, she did love the image, just had that minor critique, so I don't think that docked me all that much. She also wished that I had gotten my motocross image (not on here) after they had started, not at the anticipation of the start. So that's just a difference in opinions. Depends on what you see and how it makes you feel, really. Beth seemed to like my outdoor lighting as well, but she felt that some of them were too "hot", meaning over-lit. I did expect this, because even I could see it. That was about it though.

Barbara Bordnick was a great woman in my eyes when she first came here. Now I've lost a little respect for her. Simply because, like David, she really didn't offer me anything positive. She went out of her way to go on about skin because of the screwiness of the toning in my couple shot, which I knew could get me docked some. I have figured out how to fix it now, just wish I had for that. But what pissed me off, was she basically called them ugly. Told me I had put two people who didn't work in a pose meant for beautiful people. Well, if I didn't want to just jump up and strangle her... the two people in that portrait are two of my best friends. And they have one of the most beautiful sibling relationships I have EVER seen. EVER! The other big thing Barbara went on about, which Beth also mentioned but not in detail, was that the tie on my low-key male was odd. She wondered as to why he wasn't wearing clothes, and why we only put a tie on him. She just didn't get it at all, and, as a nude photographer she just didn't like it. Welcome to the style of Indie, Barbara. Yes, it's relatively new and unknown, but that's where I circulate. And he did have clothes on, we were just slowly stripping him. And then I decided he needed a tie. Because I think that men in a tie with no shirt on are sexy. So do a lot of people who see that image. Sue me? She also felt that the arms were too flabby in my digital alteration, but oh well. It honestly didn't bother me. I think the one kind thing she said was about my ALT shot, and that it was nice.

So yeah, nothing really useful from them. They gave me an idea, but not much. And pretty much no kind words, which is what pissed me off the most. That and being compared to someone else many years my senior. I guess they didn't go over my commercial stuff though because I was Portrait/Wedding emphasis. I wonder if it was even graded into my portfolio though, because while I had that inclination of failure, I still had hope that maybe, just maybe, I had enough strong pieces to pull me through.

Celia who went up right after me, also failed. Even though she had things make it through from Phase III, they still failed her. She was a mess, and ready to quit. Can't say as I blame her.

I really think, if anything, the review did nothing more than to destroy what confidence I had in my abilities as a photographer. I mean, I know I can get work back home, and do what I'd like, but without the confidence... it just feels empty.

I'm sorry I don't meet NYC standards? I'm sorry I come from a small little town no one has ever even heard of up in the Adirondack Mountains? I'm sorry I view things differently? Sorry that I used to be a writer, and that it influences my shots? Sorry that I don't want to conform to certain things? I'm sorry I'm not normal? Sorry that I tend to hang in obscure genres of life? Sorry that unlike many, I've only been shooting seriously for all of two or three years? I'm sorry my style is so simplistic?

I don't know what else to say. Just that I'm really upset, and really pissed off. I forced down some lunch with my family, called in sick to the second half, and after bringing home Rachael, cried myself into restless sleep for a few hours.

And I definitely dreamt of cutting. Even with my medication, I was that down. Didn't do it, knew better, but it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Officially a Small Business Owner

2008-05-29T02:47:00.003-04:00

It's official, I now own my very own small business, Photographic Phantasy. I got the DBA license and opening the business account over the past two days, and now I can legally do business within the United States of America. Not sure about internationally, but I don't know that I need to worry about that right now. xD All I do know, is that it feels pretty awesome to say that at the age of 19, I started my own business. Even if all I do is freelance for a while, it's a big accomplishment for me. Ever since seventh grade when we did the Pushcart Fair at my middle school, and learned about entrepreneurship hands on, I knew that I wanted to start my own business. And now, here I am, six years later and starting to fulfill that goal. What's most satisfying though, is that today (technically) is my brother's pushcart fair, and I get to attend it. And it will be necessary too, since the school is thinking to do away with it. Health people don't like it because for one day out of a whole year they can't regulate how much junk food is being sold at the school. They need to suck it up, this is a wonderful learning experience and the kids can later spend their profits (if they made any) on their trip to Boston in June. I skipped that trip, but let me tell ya, nothing feels better than to spend money you earned yourself. And these kids deserve that. So I can't wait to attend, and to tell those very teachers who guided me through the pushcart fair where I am now. It's going to be awesome. ^^

Ahhh... Relaxation <3

2008-05-27T02:54:00.002-04:00

So now that we're into reviews, I can relax for a bit. It's wonderful.

To start it off, I brought Rachael to the hospital to have some blood work done. That was an adventure in and of itself because she has a needle phobia that's only made worse by panic attacks and the fact that looking at blood makes her feel faint. Need I say more? But she got through it, and it's over, so I'm sure she's relieved.

I then spent the weekend with her, since her parents were away, and we had a blast. Played a lot of karaoke, watched the anime Ghost Stories (which is epically funny because of the satire), she helped me clean my apartment (why she offered I don't know >.<), and one night we went out to dinner because we were distracted by our anime, and totally forgot to go to Scotty's to get food (we wanted us some hamburgers) before it closed at 5pm. x'D So it was fun, and I kept her company and helped out a bit with the dogs so she wasn't alone. I spent the night over the weekend as well, which was fun.

After all that, I headed home to NY, which is where I am now. It's good to be back, and I'll be staying until either Thursday afternoon, or Friday morning. Not sure which. Probably Thursday afternoon though, so I can attempt to get my time set to the afternoon on Monday for my parents to be able to attend my review. I just don't know who exactly to go to. Probably George Rosa III. But I'm not going to think about that right now, because it makes me panic. I really don't want to end up in re-review, and everyone says I'll do fine, but it's still a nightmare I have. >.< Oy.

So here I am, at home, and relaxing. It's wonderful.

To start with, I made a mini-city. And everyone should visit once a day to gain me a big population. xD Click for my Mini-City!

And then I also went and gave my friend Brendan his birthday gift, which I made sure to wrap in newspaper and duct tape. xD It was an epic win when it took him 10 minutes to open it. Hehe. But I got him AIDS and Herpes, because while friends might hire you a hooker, real friends give you venereal diseases. ROFL But seriously, that's what I got him. You can find them on Giant Microbes. They're ADORABLE. <3

Tomorrow I gotta get my business license and account. And then I'm pretty much free Wednesday, and Thursday is my brother's pushcart fair at school, which I shall attend. I'm also going to go visit my high school during this time, and hook up with some friends. Yeah!

And then Friday I am going to prom with Rachael, and hopefully she can spend the night at the apartment so that her parents don't have to stay up late worried and stuff. Then I just gotta ask them if Rach might be able to assist me (paid, of course) at a wedding I'm doing on June 8th in Connecticut. They want exactly ten shots, the formals basically, so we won't be gone too long. But having help would be nice. And I'd definitely pay her for it. But I have time to ask on that one. ^^

So yes, my week is full of relaxation and wonderfulness. I am so glad to have the down time. Gonna retouch the extra photos I have, do some archiving, deliver prints, and be a bum. <3

Giving out Prints

2008-05-23T02:09:00.002-04:00

So now that the final portfolio is in, and we've all seen how BORING the review process is, I've gotta finish retouching images and printing them out for people. With the portfolio deadline fast approaching, I had to let some images go that were for fun more than portfolio in order to finish on time. So now it's back to retouching. Ugh... I'm still seeing retouching in my dreams, and whenever I close my eyes. So not cool. But, I'll get it done.

I also need to clean my apartment. There's mold in my sink and junk just tossed everywhere. I also haven't gotten food in over a month, nor really cleaned anything for that matter. So... I'm buying me some latex medical gloves and getting to work. Gotta pay my bills too. That portfolio really had me preoccupied. @_@;;

But as I stated, the review process is really boring. Like... even the good students who do everything asked of them were playing games on their cell phones. You didn't have to be tired to fall asleep. It's that bad. Basically, the portfolio is put up on stage, and for about the first 10-13 minutes the judges review it silently as a website is displayed to us. And then the name of the person whose portfolio it is gets announced, and they go up on stage with people, should someone be attending with them. They're then told if it was accepted or if it has to go to rereview, and after that for the next 5-7 minutes the judges give a more in-depth critique. But the majority of it is silent, and obnoxiously long. And so, it's incredibly boring and I am not looking forward to the last day when we all must attend again. For the first time in a long time I was actually glad my stomach wasn't holding lunch right. Being sick meant I had a reason to stay home. I dealt with my IBS in school Wednesday, wasn't doing it for the review too. Nope, not when it could interrupt things. So my afternoon was spent sleeping that off.

Ugh... still, I'm so glad that it's over. That stress is gone. Now I just have to deal with the aftermath, aka the retouching/printing and cleaning. Yuck. xP But it's got to get done. Especially so I can take a bunch of stuff back to New York with me on Sunday.

I seriously think I'm going to go spend the night at Rachael's tomorrow and keep her company, and play some karaoke. Just to further remove myself from the stress of life. Yeah... I like that idea. And it'd be nice to look forward to for when I'm done cleaning. ^^

WAVE THE CHECKERED FLAG! 8D

2008-05-22T05:14:00.002-04:00

SOMEONE WAVE THE CHECKERED FLAG, IT'S OVER! THE FINAL PORTFOLIOS HAVE ALL BEEN HANDED IN! WE'RE ON TO THE REVIEWS! HOORAY!

Man... it feels so good to be done too. I had everything printed, organized, and in my box with the paperwork at exactly 2:17pm yesterday. Which gave me about a three hour waiting period until we were able to get in line and hand them in. I am really excited about my portfolio now, as well as nervous. John Nordell and I organized it though, which I'm happy about. I was going to seek him out to help me with it, but he ended up coming upstairs to the lounge before I could do that. How lucky, yeah? ^^

Anyways, so he and I organized it to start and end strong. I specifically wanted him to help, too, because he was the one who looked over my stuff when I went for my interview, and I knew then and there that we had a similar eye when it came to looking at images and laying them out. Just by the things he noticed, and the comments he made. And classes with him only further cemented that fact in my brain. So he and I got a strong layout going, and I'm wicked happy.

Now all I have to stress about is the review, and hope I'm not going to end up in re-review. D: The only thing that might get me are my personal submissions... one is a little bright. And the in-home family and pet+owner for harsher lighting. Oh, and the architecture just because I suck at that. xP Cross your fingers and hope the rest of my portfolio pulls up the grade enough! I really want to pass! All I need to do is get a cumulative grade of 75% to do that. So I'm really hoping that my other portraits really pull that grade up. Really really hoping.

Having that portfolio done though... it's a big relief. And I'm sure everyone feels that way. I came home and made love to my bed afterwards. Best sleep I've had in a month. I was passed out from 7pm to 4:30am.

Oh! Almost forgot though! To hand in the portfolios we all had to wait in line. Well, that line started forming around 2:30pm, and I finally got into it around 3:15pm after having some free pizza that was upstairs. I'm glad I got into it when I did, because when I was leaving it was wrapped all the way down the hallways. It was HUGE. Good god... And I was kind enough to let Debbie into the line ahead of me since she had her daughter's graduation to go to at 6:30pm, and she needed to leave at 6pm from home at the latest to make it, since it was in Springfield, MA. No one else would let her do that. But oh well, we were out of there by 5:15pm, so I really hope she made it on time. I really, really hope she did.

Afterwards I went to Rachael's house (FKA Beth, she has now given permission to be named), where we were going to play karaoke... but ended up just chatting for a little over an hour because we were both exhausted. And that's when I came home and slept up until now.

So I'm off to get ready for the first day of portfolio review, which all sections are required to attend, and to burn a second DVD of my images so that I can build you all a wonderful gallery to look at my final portfolio. It will be in order as John and I placed it. Just have to get the damn simpleviewer script to work. I've done it before, just not via Dreamweaver. So... methinks I'm going to edit the script with notepad again. x'D Dreamweaver screwed me over with it last time. *shakefist*

But yes, I'm off! No boring HTML and XML bitching for you!

The Home Stretch

2008-05-21T10:19:00.003-04:00

TODAY IS THE DAY! PORTFOLIOS ARE DUE AT 5PM! O_O;

HOLY SHIT.

*dies*

Not really. Well, I didn't die at least. Yet. But the portfolios are all due by 5pm today, and it's kind of a mad rush here at Hallmark. An erilly calm mad rush. But I know we can all do it... well... I hope we can at least. x'D Most of us didn't get more than 3 hours of sleep last night. Personally, I'm running on barely two, and I came into school with a stomach that was rioting. Ugh. However, my DVD is burned, and my PDF is dropped onto the server. Two more things done. What does suck though, is I grabbed a wrong file from home. >.< Damn tifs. Damn laptop being a bitch. Well no, not the laptop--Lightroom and Photoshop being bitchy. That's what kept me up until 5am. But anyways... I have to run back home quick and nab the correct files for printing. Only one or two though, so that's not bad at all.

After I grab those, I'm off to see an instructor to get them in a strong order, and then I can hand this puppy in. In between everything I've been doing the paperwork and stuff, so I didn't waste any time. Seeing how I'm typing this blog up as stuff prints, you know my paper work is done. *thumbs up* That's always a relief.

But yeah, it's looking like just that one damned image has to be reprinted. Man... that kinda feels good. Kinda, but not quite, because it still means I have to run home, get the file, return, and then I can print it. After I get another computer. v_v; But I know I can do it. I can do anything I put my mind to.

SIX AND A HALF HOURS TO GO!

Probably Shouldn't have Slept

2008-05-20T11:03:00.002-04:00

Ugh... I was supposed to go see Tony today with Celia and Christie, but I just never woke up. Of course, it doesn't help that they wanted to go see him around 7:30am... and I'm just not a morning person. Especially when I don't have much reason to be there that early... And I was up until about 2:30am, 3am retouching. Didn't really get to bed until around 4am. So I'm still tired as it is. But I have more stuff I need to finish retouching so I can be ready to print tomorrow. Man... time just flies. I do have everything shot though, so no worries there. I got the last two done yesterday, so that was pretty cool. So retouching... here I come! @_@;;

Long Journey Back

2008-05-19T16:20:00.002-04:00

So I left around... oh... 5am today and got back by 7:30am. Helped that I was doing 80mph most of the way, even if I did have to get into the slow lane to let some cops pass me. Yeah... they didn't like 80 apparently. Never pulled me over, but they were cruising for sure. One in NY, and one in MA, and both of them were tailgating me until I let them fly by. Yikes.

Before I even got on the highway though, I was attacked by geese. No lie, there were two of them on 147, and as I drove by they lunged at my car to attack it. WHAT THE HELL!? Aren't animals supposed to be afraid of that sort of stuff? I thought they were! Good god! Send those things to Iraq, they'll get the job done. o.<

But the journey was long, because I got sick during it. Thankfully it was within ten miles of home that the worst of it hit, but still. I don't like being sick, and I really don't like my IBS, which is what flared up again. So I ended up returning the lens to Joey and then returning home to die. And before anything is said about just dealing, IBS is like having a belly full of battery acid that's about to be set on fire to explode. It hurts so bad you can't breathe right, and you can't stand all the way up because everything is spasming that bad. There is no medicine for it either, and nothing to stop it once it starts. So the only option I had was to get sick when my stomach demanded a bathroom run, and to sleep it off.

So far, so good. I'm holding down a sandwich I ate for lunch around 2pm, and hoping to go to the CS around 5:30pm. Gotta do one of the two shoots I have left tonight. And then tomorrow I have studio time to do the last one. I doubt I can pull them both off tonight. If I could though... that'd be great. I think I'm going to do my metal shot tonight though, and the environmental still life tomorrow. And I'm really hoping they don't take too long. Bleh.

Though... with my simplistic nature, I just might be able to do both tonight. I know exactly what I want to do after all... So anything is possible. If I can get both done tonight, that would be wonderful. That would leave all tomorrow for just retouching, and Wednesday for printing. I'd like that.

Anywho, I'm off to do some more retouching since I have so much on my laptop that needs it. Gotta get it done.

TWO DAYS.

Back to Mass

2008-05-19T03:51:00.003-04:00

Well, thanks to my stomach flaring up last night, I'm heading back to MA at 4:30am. Whoo... xP Ugh... I really hate driving back. And I hate 4:30am. And I hate driving alone, especially for long periods of time. So I really hate this drive. Damn stomach acting up on me last night. *shakes fist* If it weren't for that, I'd already be back in MA. If it weren't for the fact that I have to return a lens to Joey, I'd probably have just stayed home today, done a bunch of retouching, and returned this afternoon. Or something. As it is I might just have to return the lens, go home, and crash. Depends on if the drive kicks my ass or not. And I have critique this morning too. Dammit. Oh well, gotta do what I gotta do. I'm already going to be retouching like mad. I hate retouching sometimes. Blarg.

Somebody needs to hurry up and invent a way to teleport. So I can go back to sleep for a few more hours. v_v;

I Do What I Can

2008-05-18T23:56:00.002-04:00

So today I went to Catra, and it was cold. Really, really cold. Mostly because it opened up and poured around 1:00pm, and had just been overcast and breezy all morning. Yeah, morning. We were there by 9am, I was out the door at 7:45am. Had to go wait at the Ambulance Core Building while they staged the rig and stuff. Why'd I do it that way and not go right over? Well A) I might have been able to help at the building, and B) if I go over with them, I can park for free for being with the crew.

So we went over around 8:30am, and all was well. Got the tent set up, pulled out the chairs and medical equipment, and sat down to watch the start of the race. Well, they did. I pulled out the Mamiya and found a place by the track. About... oh.... ten feet from where the racers would be? x'D

Lemme tell ya, last year I got panning by sheer accident. This year I couldn't get anything. The camera lagged, and the digital back lagged, and I couldn't sync it well enough. So no panning for me. I did get a really nice group shot though thanks to the 35mm lens I borrowed.

Good thing I didn't absolutely have to have the action shots. ^^;

I was more useful at the Med Tent anyways. And it gave me a good excuse to get away from this Masshole (oh he was one before you get angry) who was going on about how funny the accidents were, and how that's what he came to watch, and he lived to get hurt, blah blah blah. He was laughing about how one kid (yeah, little kids ran Saturday) got run over yesterday! NOT FUNNY. His Mom agreed with me that it wasn't cool to laugh at, and he shut up when I told him I was with EMS (Emergency Medical Services). I mean, yeah, accidents can be interesting, but people getting hurt isn't funny unless they're laughing too.

So I ditched him by saying I needed to check in at the Med Tent. Didn't truly have to, but his nonsense was just... he wanted to be a know-it-all tough guy, and I was having none of it. He wanted to show me a good spot for pictures, and unfortunately they weren't running that part of the track this year (it's an 8 mile trail over boulders, stumps, logs, and through swamps basically), so until we noticed that I had to listen to him try to preach NY State law to me. Which is crap, because I think I know the laws of my state. Such an ass.

We did have one kid get pretty seriously injured today as well. Compound fracture to the femur, and he had to be carted out of the woods. 3 miles back in he was. Thank god for four-wheelers, though Kelly and Diana and Dave (the EMTs who went back since there were two injuries, but one wasn't as serious) all said they wouldn't ride them again with the sweepers (guys who ride the track to make sure things are all clear and to find the injured and those in need of help). But it got the guy out, and then the ambulance took him out to the road where a chopper was called in to assist and take him to the hospital. If I could have made it out in time, that would have been an awesome Photo J shot, but there wasn't time to do that. And I was busy at the Med Tent helping with patient care reports and getting supplies for the EMTs.

Next year Dad says he will have the trailer fixed and we're bringing our four-wheeler up to use to carry EMTs. And that will probably be my job, to ferry EMTs and patients in and out of the woods. Over stumps, and logs, and boulders, and through swamps. xD I'm not even kidding, these trails are insane.

So all in all I didn't get any good action shots from the day, but I did make myself feel morally good by helping out other people. I can't do much since I don't have the training (yet), but I do what I can. And taking care of the menial tasks frees up the EMTs to do what they know best. I do plan on taking the EMT course or getting the Red Cross first aid training soon though.

However... my legs are screaming. Hiking in the woods with a camera is bad. Running around on uneven terrain to help medics is bad. But it does my heart good.

Later today I managed to snag both my in-home family and my pet+owner. So I just need to finish my design pieces and shoot in the CS and I'm all done shooting. I'll just have to retouch and print, which doesn't take too awful long; provided the computer cooperates.

THREE DAYS TO GO! O_O;;

I HATE My Body D:

2008-05-18T01:10:00.002-04:00

So... it's even more official. I hate my body. And my recent luck. I wanted to shoot three things today, only got one. So I have three things to do tomorrow. And I need to be up early. So you know what happens? I GET SICK. >.< I don't know if the pasta I ate isn't agreeing with me, or if I'm panicking, or a combination there of; but whatever it is I don't like it. And I really, really, REALLY hate it when I can't tell. Like right now. Hell, for all I know, last night is repeating itself. By that I mean that I'm feeling out-of-sorts because I'm NOT feeling sick. Yeah, it's been that bad lately that healthy feels wrong. God how I hate this. I just want to have everything shot and be done with it already! The sooner the better. And retouching too. Ugh... I am so sick of retouching. But it has to get done. Bleh xP My goal is to have nothing but printing and DVD burning and PDF creating and Dropboxing left to do on Wednesday. It'd be nice. And if I work hard, I should be able to accomplish that. Just means I might have to sacrifice some sleep. So... don't expect to see me on Thursday. I will be recuperating.

I really wish the recuperation mention was a joke, too, but I think I really might be. My right leg is giving me hell, and pushing on like this cannot be helping. But there's not much I can do about that. And I know I'm catching some sort of cold, too. And with my diet, or lack there of pretty much, my stomach must be suffering as well. I'm amazed my body hasn't just shut down yet. I get random joint pain and fatigue lately, and I know my body isn't working nor reacting right to anything. The random bruising on my one leg is what bothers me the most though. No idea where it keeps coming from. v_v;; So... Thursday seriously might just be for me to sleep and heal. Good god... so not cool.

Shit... scratch that, I have to go in. We're all required to be there the first day of portfolio review. So... I'll see what I can do. I am not looking forward to sitting in those chairs though. Sitting=Stiff leg. And that means pain when I move. As it was I almost couldn't stand today when I woke up. Great...

Yeah... definitely going to have to see a specialist this summer. Blarg.

Hallmark... is going to be the death of me. x_x

The Home Stretch

2008-05-17T01:28:00.002-04:00

This is it, the last few days before the final portfolio is due. O_O;; So I have to finish up a few more images, do a lot of retouching, and I'm golden. At least until portfolio review... where I find out if I get to pass or go back to re-review. v_v;;

But I'm almost done. All I need are:
In Home Family Portrait
Action Shot, either showing or stopping the motion.
Pet with Owner
Architecture
Environmental Still Life
Reflective Metal

The first four I am knocking off this weekend, pretty much all of them on Saturday, and then Monday I will get the other two commercial studio images done. I was going to do them this week, but it just was not a good week. At all. x_x; So Monday it is. Once I'm set up I tend to be able to work fast. Which is good for me.

This weekend while I'm shooting, I'm also going to be retouching every image that I can. So that I don't have to do as much at school, except print. And printing is pretty easy.

I'm kind of uneasy about having waited so long to do those last two shots, but it was a bad decision on my part so now I have to live with it. But I'm determined to graduate, so I will get them done. Even if it has to be at 3am, they will be done!

So I can totally see a lack of sleep in my near future for retouching. Oh well. Not that big a deal. So long as Photoshop doesn't lag too bad, or crash again (the files from the Leaf Aptus back on my overly-full laptop just don't get along with Photoshop because they're so big @_@) then I should be fine. So we shall see.

And tomorrow is Catra, along with Sunday. I AM SO EXCITED. Catra is the local Motocross event held in my hometown in the middle of nowhere, NY. You can get within 25ft of the bikers as they maneuver the trails. IT IS SUCH A RUSH! OwO. Of course, I can't go just for photography. Didn't last year, don't plan on it this year. While I'm there I double as a photographer and a volunteer member of the ambulance core. Due to my lack of training as an EMT, and lack of a CDL on my license, I just take down information. It's not much, but it frees up the other members to be treating the injured. And I don't mind, if it weren't for the fact that I'd be far too interested and curious about injuries and the like, I was going to join the core as an EMT last summer. But I would have frightened the patients. ^^; I'm better off in a morgue probably...

Anyways, onto a better topic once more...

So I will be at Catra for part of Sunday, and possibly Saturday. Not sure yet. But I know I'll get some action shots. When I went through what I shot last year, I actually had some slight panning shots. O_O I was SHOCKED, to say the least. So if I could do it last year without knowing I was doing it, then I am pretty sure I can pull it off this year intentionally. And I'll have plenty of chances to try!

WHOO YEAH! \OwO/

Happy Birthday

2008-05-15T00:00:00.003-04:00

Happy 19th Birthday to myself. I miss my family. First birthday without them. I'm glad I have friends.

Now to just not be sick. x_x

To do today:
Exit Stafford Loan Counceling
Portfolio Prep to find out what we're doing in June
Commercial Studio all afternoon, which is when I'll go see the doctor and get some photos done
Photo shoot at 6pm
Hang with Beth* for a bit

...Whoo?

I'm gonna go watch more A-Team to try and relax my stomach and pretend I don't feel like I want to vomit.

Luck of the Draw?

2008-05-14T22:17:00.002-04:00

So I went to Beth's* school tonight for a public function, and she showed me around. It was fun, but when I got home I found a tick on my stomach.

A tick. A big, nasty, black tick. That is now suffocating in a baggie.

I had to call my parents, and pull it out with pliers because I had no tweezers. And then I called Tammy, but got no answer. Her home phone just gives dead air, no ringing... so not sure what's up with that. But I called mainly because I don't know how the appointment with the doctor that goes to the school on Thursdays works, but I know I have to go see her.

Ugh.

Tomorrow is my birthday too. As if it wasn't bad enough I'm away from home for it.

So now I'm actually sick. I only felt sick earlier, but nerves can trigger my IBS (irritable bowel syndrome), so guess what... xP You guessed it, I freaked out when I found the tick. I'm sick as a dog, and not liking it. At all.

Someone please pause life for me so I can go curl up in a corner and cry. This really blows.

Family Portraits are the New Birth Control

2008-05-13T23:38:00.002-04:00

So I did a family portrait on the evening of mothers day. Now, me being me, I can't pick anything easy. So while many of my fellow classmates probably picked 3-person families, I had to go out and pick one with six people. That's right, six. S.I.X.

And two of these people, were boys of the ages 6 and 9, I believe. Either way, they were above four and below ten. And they were a HANDFUL. The one kid (older one) had an excuse for everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. If his back didn't hurt, his feet did. Or his legs. Or head. Or he needed a drink. One time he even said he had to brush his teeth. All because he wanted nothing to do with my picture.

...I feel demoted. Apparently this kid would have had a better time brushing his teeth than getting his picture taken. I wonder if he'd rather go have a shot, too... >.>;;

But I did get the portrait, even if there was a lot of crying and a frustrated dad. The family consisted of both parents, a ten year old daughter, the two boys, and an infant. Yep, I had the whole slew of them. But it was fun, and I enjoyed meeting them all. I'm pretty sure the images came out good, too, so that's all that matters.

Lemme tell ya though, I will never ever be having the desire for kids anytime soon now. That was definitely some powerful birth control. Holy crap. Every student should be required to do a large family portrait with kids, because they will never want kids again. Not for years, I swear it!

Anywho, gotta get me some shut eye. I stayed back in NY to get my shots done (I only have a few left, mostly studio! YAY!), and I am returning at 6am tomorrow. So it's bedtime for moi!

And yes, I am quite crazy. But 6am is far better than 4:30am! xD

Battle Reenactors

2008-05-13T01:28:00.002-04:00

So I officially love battle reenactors. They are just a ton of fun to work with. And it was great to meet them, because it's just cool to get to talk to people doing something they enjoy. These men definitely loved every moment of it, too.

I went to the Historic Saratoga Battlefield with two friends, Brendan and Sophia (Hammie). It was so much fun to have them with me. Brendan was acting as my photo assistant, and Sophia was there for her own art. This was for the Plein Arts Festival, where the park was opened up for free for all artists. Soooooo cool. <3 They do another in October, I cannot wait.

Anyways... back on topic...

So we were working with the reenactors, and they were just hamming it up for the camera. They were literally willing to do anything. And when I say anything, I mean anything. So when I asked them when/if they were going to be firing the muskets, they asked if I'd like them to do it then and there.

Well... YEAH!!! So, myself and my friends got a private performance pretty much. There were a few other people (including another photographer who I'll go into detail about in a bit), but they did it because I asked. And it wasn't just one shot, it was three. Three shots, just for us.

But that wasn't the only cool thing. After that, they asked if I'd like to see and shoot a bayonet charge. Well, I'm up for anything so I said why not. Not only did I get to shoot a bayonet charge, I got to stand in front of the charge and shoot it while jogging backwards. TOO COOL. That was one of the most awesome things I have EVER done. EVER. I would do it again. No... I plan on doing it again.

Anyways, on that other photographer. He looked like he knew what he was doing. Had a beautiful Telephoto (looked like a 300mm) L-Series lens on his camera, and a good vest for holding photo-y stuff. But, as we all know, looks can be decieving. Not only did he never engage the reenactors, but he never once took out a flash or reflector to battle the raccoon eyes. And he was so close, that I had to wonder... was he just getting face shots? Because I had to back up a lot farther than he was with a 150mm lens... :\ Who knows. Anyways, he was about to leave until I started shooting... and then he lingered and shot some more as I set them up. x'D I think he was a bit jealous of my people skills. lol And the Mamiya. ROFL So I've definitely seen a bit of my amateur competition. They have the money for lenses (lucky bastards), but they lack the knowledge. Shame.

Anyways, here are some photos. I wish I hadn't forgotten my 80mm lens. >.<

Sir Redcoat by *Saknika on deviant ART

The British are Coming by *Saknika on deviant ART

Bayonet Charge by *Saknika on deviant ART

Waiting for the Smoke to Clear by *Saknika on deviant ART

And I am totally not done with all the editing yet. Those were just my personal four favourite. x3

One Final Message...

2008-05-09T04:21:00.003-04:00

Almost forgot to mention. This past Monday Hallmark experienced its first power outages that anyone can remember. That's right, the power went out and kept blinking out at Hallmark. I feel bad for the people who were shooting, or had unsaved work open. It was crazy. I couldn't help but laugh at the people who were caught in the bathroom though. x'D

And now, I leave you with a glassware shot I did Thursday night that Dick told me was beautiful and ready for my final portfolio. Dick is amazing too, because he helps bring me back down to earth with the realities of the portfolio review, and bring me out of my terrified stressed zone and into truths. So when you get confused, go to Dick. This man will tell it to you straight. ^^

Here's that glassware! Can't wait to print it up big!

Royal "Purple" Glassware by *Saknika on deviant ART

Weekend Schedule Thus Far

2008-05-09T04:15:00.000-04:00

So this weekend is going to be a busy one for me. So busy that I'm not returning to Massachusetts until around 1:30pm on Tuesday. I'll leave New York at 11am to do so.

Here's what it looks like though:

Friday- Get out of class at 5pm, and grab Hammie from Bard College. Get home around 9, 9:30pm.

Saturday- Leave the house around 7:45am, pick up Brendan by 8am, and be to the Historic Saratoga Battlefield by 9am for orientation and a day to shoot the reenactors. We'll probably leave around lunch time when the lighting gets bad, and grab a bite to eat. Then to Yaddo to show that to Hammie, and take her picture. Around 5pm I will return Hammie to Bard, and be home by 9pm at the latest.

Sunday- Mother's day! Be out of the house by 11am, and spend from then until about 5pm at my grandparent's. Leave then and commute back to do photos. Family portrait for :devpicworth1000words: at 7pm. I'm hoping to also do a photo of my friends Nikki and Justin (sister and brother) as a couple shot between 6 and 6:30 when I get back. Have to talk to them. Might do something after the family portrait as well. Sunset is after 8pm.

Monday- Get up early again, just because I should. Also because I want to get into the C+R restaurant and do not only architecture, but the occupational. They don't serve breakfast, so it would be empty. During today I will shoot my sister and Captain Jack, my brother riding his bike and making that into a panning shot, and possibly get out to Round Lake to do an image of my Aunt in her garden around 5:30pm. If possible I also am going to try and get into Craig's home to do an in-home family portrait.

Tuesday- If I can't do the C+R Monday, I will do it today. Also, finish any packing I have to do, and be on the road by 11am. Get lunch around the time I get back, eat it, and then at 3pm head into the commercial studio to shoot either my metal or my environmental still life. Those are all I have left to do in there, and I hate them both.

Sometime during all this I also want to deliver a few prints, try and pick up uranium glass, and if Photoshop behaves, do retouching.

But all in all, within those plans I have listed out ten shots for my final portfolio. Good god... It's a good thing I enjoy this stuff. @_@;

Might Need to See the Doctor

2008-05-09T03:26:00.002-04:00

So with all this fast-paced photography and stuff, I have totally been neglecting my body. I've been trying to be more conscious about eating and stuff lately, but that doesn't stop me from abusing my physical limits. And I know that I have been abusing them because my body and I aren't getting along again.

A lot of it would be the panic attacks. This I know is stress, and I'm hoping the other stuff is too... but I'm not sure. The issue with the panic attacks now though, are that they're fairly constant. They're not lasting long though, which is okay with me. I can survive 20-30 seconds of a panic attack at a time.

What's getting bad, are my legs. Specifically my knees. I already knew that I had to go see a specialist this summer for them, but they are just really bad. It started months ago, where on rare occasions they would ache so bad that in order to sleep I had to prop them up so they were either equal to or above my heart, and then stay still. Well, that happens a bit more frequently now, and I have a new issue.

It's starting to hurt to go up and down stairs. Right now it's just a bad pressure in my knees, but I know it shouldn't be there. And today when I went down them in my right knee (which has been aching constantly lately) I got this hot rush, like when you get a big cut or something, down my leg. It was not pleasant, but it didn't last. Still, I don't think it's a good sign.

What's worse, is kneeling is getting painful too. And I have to do a lot of that.

And on my left leg, there are three bruises that appeared last week sometime out of nowhere, and have yet to disappear. In fact, I think one is getting worse. They don't really hurt, but I'm concerned and keeping an eye on them.

Like I said though, I am really hoping it's all just stress related. Because if not I'm in deep shit.

It's times like these that I wish I hadn't played volleyball with such neglect. Of course, diving for the ball was a specialty of mine. And my first year, I had a coach that used and abused this. Even sending me onto the court once without them.

When I roller bladed at family skate nights, I always fell on them. There was one time that I couldn't go to school the next day because they were almost black I had bruised them so badly.

Out on the boat, it's my knees that have always taken the shock waves as we go over waves, even when sitting because I always brace myself with my legs.

I also grew up in the woods, so jumping down small ledges and stuff was not uncommon. Neither was bracing myself with my knees and shins.

So they have been abused for years. I'm just hoping it's a big build up of scar tissue that can be removed or something. Who knows. But the warning signs with how they crack every time bend them pretty much started back in middle school. And I've had issues with my feet before.

Looks like my doctor will be seeing me soon. But not until after the final portfolio is done and in. That comes first, then I can let my body fail the rest of the way.

For now... ever onward.

Moving and Cruising

2008-05-08T02:23:00.002-04:00

Okay, so even though I feel like shit (yay being a woman... /sarcasm) I made myself do some shooting today. My model that was due in at 2pm flaked... bastard, so I'm in need of a male model. Beth might have found me one, but I'm waiting to hear back. So in the mean time I message like... ten other guys on Model Mayhem. One already responded with a no since he's also busy with finals though. No biggie. I hope the others respond soon. *crosses fingers*

Tomorrow I am going to hang out in the IL to polish up my images that I shot tonight. I was going to do them on my computer, but after it took 15 minutes for photoshop to use the paintbucket tool I was like "Hell no" and gave up. I finished one of three shoots and called it quits. Took 30 minutes to save. Ugh. Stupid leaf aptus .mos files. I hate them. As soon as you download them off the CF card they're about 45mb each in size. *kicks big files* Slowing up my laptop. Bastards.

But yes, I did shoot three requirements tonight: Drop 'n Pops, Ad, and Glassware. The glassware was what I retouched though, since a friend from Singapore wanted to see. So that kind of decided what I would retouch first. And man, it took FOREVER. It was the Photoshop session from HELL. I swear. But, at least glassware is retouched. I really like it.

So tomorrow, I'm either going to both shoot in the commercial studio during my studio time and retouch in the IL, or just go straight to the IL. I think because I don't feel like being up at 8am, I'll just do some retouching. That way I can get up around 9:30am, and wander in around 10am. Yeah... I like that idea.

God... I can't wait for the 21st. When everything is turned in. After that, maybe I'll start eating right again. I'm sure it'd help me feel better. v_v;;; I've barely been having one meal a day lately, because I'm stressing out so bad and trying to get everything done. Ugh.

If you are a future Hallmark student reading this, listen closely. Make sure you shoot at least three things every week during phase four. You will be much better off. Believe me. I wish someone had told me that. >.<

Waiting for the Weekend

2008-05-07T04:30:00.002-04:00

I. Cannot. Wait. For. The. Weekend.

Good god I cannot wait. Because come the weekend I can guarantee that I will have so much more done on my final portfolio, and I will feel much less stressed--I hope. v_v Hell, I just plain can't wait until I'm done with the whole portfolio. That way all I have to stress about is the review, and if I'm getting sent to re-review or not. >.<;; God I hope not.

Monday night I shot Oh Odette for my high key as a Geisha. I'm really happy with the results, I'm just in a toss up between two images. So I'm going to take them to Rich soon, I hope. Depends on if I have time. I'm supposed to have a male for low key today, but we'll see. Haven't heard from him in a bit, and if he flakes I will be PISSED.

The big thing I still need to do is to get into the commercial studio. It's just that setting up in there takes so much out of me. Ugh... I hate it. xP And what I really hate, is that we need an environmental still life for our portfolio. That, right there, is BY FAR the BIGGEST pain in my ass EVER. I have a few ideas... I just don't feel like setting them up. Call me lazy, but my body it tired. It has been tired. And now I'm sick to top it off. Blarg.

On the plus side, this weekend I have the rare chance to shoot historical reenactors. That's right, you heard me, reenactors. In full costume. This is an event going on in Saratoga, New York, at the old battlefield. And I'm dragging two friends along with me. One who attends Bard college, and then one from home who is my photo assistant whenever I need one. He just likes to get out of the house. But it will be fun, and then there is a high probability that the work will be called upon for display. So I am very excited. Great chance to make connections and to get my name out. It's like killing two birds with one stone. Three if you count the fact that I'm then dragging my friend from Bard to Yaddo to make her pose for me. xD

And then Sunday is Mother's Day. And so I will be with family most of the day, until I go to do a family photo. I have to say, this whole photography thing is really great for getting me away from uncomfortable situations, and with my grandfather as he is I try to be at that house as little as possible.

I will be staying back Monday as well, so that I can get some shooting done that day too. 'Fraid that guest speakers are not as important as this final. Those speakers aren't going to help me make it through this step, the images are. And after being sick and having so many issues, this is necessary. So, gonna still be in NY on Monday.

On the plus side though, the commercial studio stuff that is really simple should fly by, like the drop 'n pops, and for my advertisement; so that will get a lot of shots done really fast that I can totally knock off my to-do list. Huzzah! I like it when that happens.

I'll tell you what though, the stress is incredible. And part of it is because it's like you're living two lives. One for Hallmark, and one in the real world. Balancing between them is not easy. No wonder so few younger people get in. Ugh.

Anyways, I'm just starting to ramble, so this shall be the end of some current musings. I am heading back to dreamland, where stress is no more.

Intermitency and an Update

2008-05-06T05:24:00.002-04:00

So I've managed to snag some intermittent sleep so far tonight, but thanks to having to pee my mind kind of woke up. So I'm tiring it back out again. Might as well discuss Hallmark-y things while I'm at it. Still feel a bit panic-y, but it has subsided greatly.

First things first, gotta go see Tony tomorrow. Myself, Celia, and some other girl I don't think I know (but who Celia had a falling out with apparently) have to make up our 30 minute speech together. Or 40 minute. I can't remember how long it was anymore. All I know is that it has to get done. So Tony asked we come in the morning, I'll be there for a bit. Not long though, because I'm gonna need more sleep and I'd feel bad falling asleep in the seminar.

Yesterday was all business-y type stuff. We had a class on Finances, Business Law, and Part-time employment. It got dull in areas, but at least it was all good information. Found out just how bad the government is screwing us over, and that it's a voluntary matter on if you pay income tax or social security. IRS doesn't want you to know that though.

Also given these two things to look up:
Freedom to Fascism
Allodial Title

Two things that should prove interesting. I'll get on that later.

Michael Zide informed us today, through an in-class discussion (after we found out about Lisa's Moose sighting on I91) that he would like to know what noise a moose makes. I told him to get a moose call.

Apparently I don't look well though, because Debbie mentioned I was pale and looked like I hadn't slept in weeks. Sounds about how I feel. It's hard to eat, because it seems like all food makes me sick. Yuck. I'm practically anorexic. But, I can't stop. Gotta keep moving, keep shooting, and by god, keep retouching.

Got a lot of stuff set up though, so I'll be damned if it's not done on time. You better believe it will be. I've come too far to give up now. Though at times it seems like the goal is impossible to reach. It's odd too, because I had all these great ideas... and then they weren't executed. And for the life of me I can't figure out why.

One thing I do know is effecting my work here is my worry over my family back home. My grandfather is dying, has been dying for 7 years now from Persistent Super Nuclear Palsy. And I received word recently that he's not doing well at all. So it's like every day I'm just waiting for that phone call...

My brain is just plain frazzled, too. Ugh. I can't wait for karaoke this Thursday. I might not get to be there for the whole thing, I might have to shoot for a bit too, but at least it'll be some time to try and relax.

Anyways, it's time for me to try and sleep some more. Goodness knows I need it. x_x

Here we go Again...

2008-05-06T02:57:00.002-04:00

I can feel another psychological panic attack setting in. Headache, nausea, the feeling of the loss of breath and increased heart rate without it actually existing, hot and cold sweats... here we go again. Dammit.

Good thing tomorrow is guest lectures, because I don't know if I can hold it off or not.

I'm hoping that maybe watching some A-Team will help. Just to take my mind off it. I really hope. I don't want to be up all night with this again.

Good thing I trimmed my nails, or I'd claw my palms and they'd bleed. Don't have enough nail to make them bleed this time.

It's going to be a long night. x_x

Wonderful World of Me

2008-05-02T07:13:00.002-04:00

Right, so one thing led to another last night, and I got no sleep.

After I fixed my router... kind of, I decided I'd fix IE by trying to remove the program again. Turns out I had done it backwards. So I removed it... still no luck. Decided against rebooting the computer, and went on to fixing my printer.

This printer is wireless. It was connected to the network. But it could not be found. And so it took me two hours to uninstall and then reinstall it, only to find it still couldn't hold a connection. Great. Just what I need. So I went to 192.168.1.101 which is where the printer lives, and tried to connect it there. We waited for it to try and connect for all of five minutes. And then I closed the page, and tried to turn off the printer. Two minutes later when it hasn't shut down, I unplugged it. Plugged it back in and connected it to the router once more--low and behold IT WORKS.

Now, what I didn't mention was that after it was uninstalled, you had to reboot for it to take effect properly. So I did. Now, afterwards I was like "Hm... Just rebooted... might as well try installing IE7 again!"

Now remember, via Add/Remove Programs I have taken this off of my laptop. It has been rebooted, and I no long have any way of getting on IE.

So I double click the installer for IE7.
...
Still can't install it. Somehow, someway, it is still detecting a newer version.

And this is bad, because now I have no means of going to Rob to get help with my website issue, because there is no longer an IE to test it on, since the forum help failed.

Shit.

So my last resort is to find my OS Software at home in NY this weekend, and hope that I can reinstall IE directly from that. Cross your fingers and wish me luck!

And now, me and my screwed up left eye (Yeah, it's bugging me and I had to take out the contact xP) are off to sleep. I haven't had any yet, and I'm angry, in pain, and tired. I deserve some sleep. Oi.

Why can't computers be easy, so that when you start something, it can be stopped without messing things up? Would have made my life easier.

In a Very Very Bad Mood >[

2008-05-02T03:25:00.004-04:00

Let's get started on the right foot.

I. AM. PISSED. OFF.

Let's start at the beginning of this, when I found out that it is time for us to keep out apartments spotless, because our landlords are going to be showing them to potential renters (since we're gone in June). Now, this wouldn't be a problem except:
A) Cleaning is low on my list, such as to be done throughly after completing my final portfolio. As it is now I'm often times too frazzled to think on anything but that portfolio. Cleaning =/= priority. When lunch becomes your only meal so you can spend the shopping time on the computer editing images, like I do now, you don't really care much about cleaning either. Could have waited to do this until June 1st so that we had time.
B) I don't trust Susan Renfrew as far as I can throw her. And that's not far, because I'm small and skinny and pretty weak.
C) I don't trust strangers who come into my home.
C-1) Susan didn't always keep an eye on my parents and I, what makes me think she'll keep an eye on these potential tenets?
D) Do we get forewarned that it's going to happen? I mean, the place could be clean, but that day you just happened to get a care package with condoms or something in it and BOOM, there it is, sitting out on the kitchen table because you were only going to be gone for a few hours to shoot and your landlord picked that exact time to show the apartment. It was clean! However, your personals were left out for the moment.
E) Did I mention we're all frazzled with the final portfolio and really busy? Yeah...

So yes, I don't like this at all. I'm going to speak with Tammy tomorrow as well, because I am also incredibly dissatisfied with my living conditions. Susan seriously acts like she does not care. A month ago she saw, with her own two eyes, that the hall light was out. She commented on this fact. But it was not fixed. This was a month ago! So yeah... that was the straw that broke the camel's back. If you're a potential student reading this, do everything you can not to rent from Susan Renfrew.

Then, comes tonight, when I tried to get Linksys Easy Link Advisor (LELA) to re-detect my router. I still have an internet connection, and I did before. And then I tried to reconnect it, and went through more bullshit about it not detecting a router that was hardwired to it via a cable than I care to go into detail about. Let's just say I tried setup at least fifteen times. At least. And I used the phone support once as well. Finally, I called a technician. Which is what it came down to the last time this happened. And you know what the bitch on the other end of the phone tells me? That LELA was only meant to set the router up once, and I could uninstall it now. To just use 192.168.1.1 to access my router and monitor things. Well I'm sorry sweetheart, but I did my homework. LELA is meant to monitor your network, and anyone who is accessing said network. No where at 192.168.1.1 can you do that. NO WHERE. Trust me, I looked. And if you go to the help page for LELA, there are a ton of problems and questions... and no support. There is a support team, but they are not answering any questions. They have a total of 11 posts in a forum with 6 pages worth of questions (about fifteen to twenty I'd say per page) over a span of two years. That's right, two years. There are also all these things about firmware updates that you don't want, and a link to downgrade if you got it, but there's no way to know what to do after you download it. Nor to check if you have the updated firmware.

Now, by no means am I a genious at this sort of thing, but I'm definitely good with computers. There was a point that I had an old system, old old system, that only ran Windows 98 because it was so old. And I was teaching myself some MS DOS on it. I understand computers in much more than a basic sense. Wireless not so much, but I don't think it should be giving me such problems. And I definitely do not think there should be so many questions, and so many of them for the same issue, that go unanswered. And I DEFINITELY do NOT appreciate being LIED TO by a technician who barely speaks English (on the English line mind you! They have different help lines for different countries!) at 2am about LELA!

So, do not, for the sake of your mental sanity, buy a linksys router. They are nothing but a headache. This is the third issue I've had with the thing in close to eight months. Bullshit I tell you, absolute bullshit.

You better believe when I found the email to send feedback on LELA that I sent some to them. I hope their eyes bleed when they read about how badly I hate their product. I really do.

And in final news today, I attempted to install Internet Explorer 8 Beta today, to see if it was going to run my webpage properly... and now IE won't open without crashing in five seconds. Can't system restore back to before I updated, and I cannot uninstall it. Can't reinstall IE7 because it detects a newer version, and even using add/remove programs and rebooting to fully rid myself on IE doesn't work so that I can reinstall it. Thank god I prefer FireFox.

I love you Microsoft, your computers make sense to me. But god dammit would you do something about that shitty thing you are trying to call a browser!?

So excuse me while I go pack to head back to NY, and try to actually sleep since I have been sick pretty much every night this week. Meh. D<

Internship Gone Dry

2008-04-30T14:02:00.002-04:00

So I never made the internship today.

Last night after that post was a really, really bad night. I couldn't sleep to start, and then I just got sick--really sick. Sick to the point that I was debating on calling 911. It felt like I was trapped or something. I can only describe it as a panic attack, except that I wasn't panicking. My heart wasn't racing, nothing. But it felt like it. And though I was breathing normally, as I could tell by the regular rise and fall of my chest, my lungs felt a bit deprived. I had a small headache, and my body had a need to twitch. And I went through hot and cold sweats like no tomorrow. The worst addition though, was the nausea.

So I don't know what that is, but it kept me up until about 7am, when I was finally able to get some rest. There was no going to do the internship, and no going to the guest lecturers. I might make public relations at four... but it depends how the toast and light things I'm eating sit.

Last night was really bad... bad enough that I don't care to repeat it. Ever. So I'm going to hope that I don't. >.<

I should be asleep...

2008-04-30T02:23:00.002-04:00

All right, so I've told you all a bit about my ex. The one who up and left me for that girl in another state? Right, so her current and I had words. Hell, we used to be friends until all of this, and then shit really hit the fan. And exploded. While spontaneously combusting... and becoming radioactive. It was baaaaad.

So that all happened about... seven or eight months ago. And we tended not to talk because it just wouldn't have ended pretty. I was so angry that I used to say I was going to hire a serial killer to go wipe out the state and be rid of them both.

Well, that is until tonight.

So my previous friend-turned-enemy contacts me, and wants to call a truce. Okay... I mean, it was all in the past and while I can hold a grudge, she seemed genuinely honest.

And after an hour of talking to her, she confided some pretty personal stuff to me... which is odd, because I don't get how she could trust me after all the shit we'd put each other through.

It's so weird, because we just did not get along for such a large span of time, and then suddenly she feels okay to confide in me again. I listened and helped her, of course, because that's what I do. But it was just odd.

Do I like... have something written on me that says "UNIVERSAL FRIEND AND CONFIDENT" or something? I don't get it. But... I guess I must.

Here I am, 2:30am, when I should be asleep. Have to be up and ready to go by 7am for my internship. Five hours of driving tomorrow.

...I am going to need an energy drink, no doubt. Damn.

On Your Mark... Get Set...

2008-04-29T02:05:00.002-04:00

Be sick. Dx

That's right, I have been feeling crappy all day. Right into the night. Woke up this morning, got moving to try and stay awake since sleep was interrupted and that made me feel super groggy, and promptly got sick. We're not talking the "Oh... I don't feel so great, so I'll take some meds and go to school" kind of sick either. I was hardcore, go back to sleep and escape it sick. My stomach was all "Yo, you put your body under a lot of stress, wear, and tear lately. So guess what? I'M REBELLING! >["

That's right, my stomach reacts not only to what I eat, but to my nerves too. So once I relaxed, and let loose a bunch of stress, it decided to relax and be sick as well. Not to mention my whole body hurt. Putting on shoes just wasn't an option. And as if the weather mirrored my nasty health, it rained ALL DAY.

So right now I'm able to eat, after hours of nothing, but I have a headache, a mild irritation of aches and pains, and my stomach still threatens to flip out on me. Thank god I have studio time tomorrow morning, so I can have the extra time and catch my afternoon classes, hopefully.

In the meantime this evening, I laboured and got increasingly frustrated with my website. I've yet to get it to work right in IE, though I spent hours trying, and have placed a cry for help on a forum of folks I know. We'll see where that goes, and if I can't get it out of them, then I will take the time to go to Rob. But if I can go another route I will, and let others who don't have the options go see him. We'll see. I think I might have to change the whole layout though. x_x

The Student Open House

2008-04-28T03:07:00.002-04:00

So yesterday was the Student Open House, and it was all right. I stressed over it, and got very little sleep the night before, but it went fine. Actually... it was almost kind of boring. :\ A lot of people came, we students were denied the yummy food (until the end), and they looked at everything. I was a tour guide... but no one really wanted tours from us. They were either alumni who knew the school, or people who came to visit someone else, who then walked and talked with them for a bit since we all were give that option. So over all... not that exciting. I had a lot more fun at my highschool gala. So... eh.

Setting up for the Open House was awful though. And not because I hate setting up, but because they made us clean. We had to wash all the windows, sweep the floors, wash the tables, dust the lockers, dust the window sills... and on and on. Now, I can understand that this is necessary, however, we have janitors. It would have been one thing if we wanted to use a space that wasn't often used to clean it, but the whole school? That just seemed wrong somehow. Setting up tables, getting out chairs, hanging decorations, putting together out displays, and stuff; that was all things I expected to do. But not janitorial work. I think a good chunk of the student population agrees as well, since I heard similar sentiments about it. So a lot of us are wondering: Why did we have to clean the school? We're paying to attend, to learn, and to be enlightened. There is a janitorial staff being paid to keep the nasties away. So why? Just doesn't make sense. And there are those of us who really didn't want to have this open house either, because we would have rather been working on our final portfolio.

Then again, maybe I feel this way because I didn't get much satisfaction from it. It felt so... formal. And while formal is good, I'm a much more laid-back kind of person. I feel more approachable that way. That, and I was soooooooooo tired during it. We all were, really.

But, I digress, it was probably good for exposure. So I'll take that and leave the rest.

Man... I don't want to go to classes in the morning. xP

I Hate My Body

2008-04-24T13:03:00.003-04:00

It's official, I hate my body. If one thing fails, everything fails, I swear.

I had a bug of some sort that started on Saturday and lasted until Tuesday that made me feel like I had the flu to start. I was too nauseated to be bothered to even wake up for any amount of time longer than it took to go to the bathroom. I think it started out as sun poisoning on Saturday though, since I was outside all day then. Either way, I was sick and death would have been welcomed.

That did pass though, and I made it back to classes yesterday, only to have my right eye get all messed up. x_x You need a little back story first though to fully understand this one.

September of 2006, I almost went completely blind in my right eye due to an ulceration of the cornea. I had a 30% chance of getting out of it with my sight in tact, and somehow I beat the odds. Probably because I caught it so quickly. I had to see every single eye doctor in the center we went to, just in case of an emergency, and I got the same damn lecture from all of them about how I shouldn't have slept with my contacts in. If they had told me I could get an infection so bad that I could go blind, I might not have slept with them in. But all they had told me was that I'd get a painful infection that wouldn't be any fun to have cured. But I heard that it could be cured and my mindset was "Well... pains nothing foreign to me, why not." And it was really nice to wake up being able to see. Lemme tell ya, that infection hurt like a bitch. It was light sensitive to the point that the light from the moon gave me issues. Getting to the eye doctor was the most unpleasant thing ever. Thankfully, to cure this they give you nice eye drops. One's an antibiotic, and the other is a steroid. First they cure the infection, then they urge the eye back to life. And during this all you get a third set of drops that are liquid cocaine (no I'm not kidding) to numb the pain. I was kept out of school for a few days from this, and when I was finally able to go back I had to wear sunglasses at all times for a while, and get papers saying I could self-administer medication to myself. And now I can legally say I had drugs in school, technically. Haha But it was bad, and I still couldn't put a contact in that eye. And being that my glasses cause so much distortion it makes me sick... well... I was working one-eyed for a while. Including driving. But the eye is better and I'm all set.

Or so I thought. Turns out the effects never wear off entirely, and my eyes have been having issues lately. The right one especially. It's just been wicked light sensitive to the point that sunglasses aren't doing much, and it makes it hard to operate during the peak hours of the day. I asked about this, and turns out it's something I just have to learn to live with. Yuck. So I'm not liking this, and I've been hiding away from the light as much as possible until it passes. It better be gone by Sunday though, because I have an open house to attend. But damn... I really don't need this right now. x_x

I'm telling ya, if it's not one thing, it's another. This better be the last of it. *shakefist*

Cultural Background

2008-04-22T01:45:00.002-04:00

So for John Nordell's class on Wednesday, we need to bring in an object that represents our cultural background. Lemme tell ya, this was not an easy decision in the least. I had to sit down and brainstorm with my parents on it.

You see, I'm Native American, Italian, Canadian-French, Irish or Scottish (not sure which), German, and Dutch. From what we know. So for my cultural background... it was kind of like, what do I pick? We came up with some funny ones though.

My original thought was to bring a gun in. But... that probably wouldn't fly too well. But both the Native Americans and French-Canadian sides were hunter and gatherers; not to mention that my Dad's side of the family are hunters, and I did try once. And if there is a side of the family that I follow closely, it's my Dad's.

We also joked that I could have had grandma bake lasagna for me, since she is pure blooded Italian. And man does she love to cook. But that wasn't feasible because a friend of the family passed away Friday evening from MS, so she's busy with that.

Mom tossed out that I should just wear a swastika. That had us laughing, and somehow we said I could get a blonde wig and some blue contacts as well. But nah, not going to happen.

Of course, then we just got more silly, and I said I'd bring Jack, our puppy. And when asked why, I'd say, "Well, he's a mutt, just like me!" Which then Dad said I could bring some Heinz ketchup, I'm a Heinz Variety baby! Haha

I think the silliest though, was to bring a gravestone (which, I could do >.>) because all my ancestors are dead. This one had us laughing.

But really it was hard, because this object had to represent me in a way. I half wish that there were gypsies in our past because then it would have been easy, and I could have just brought my tarot cards in. But life can't be that simple.

What I would have loved to represent was the mafia, since I have relatives who are a part of it.

Or the black book of one of my cousins who was accused of being in league with the devil, since I've had much the same before.

I even considered my Mom's family's coat of arms... but we only have the plate used to make it, and I can't translate it for crap anymore. That, and it doesn't interest me as much. And as I said above, I'm much more like my father's side.

But in the end I settled on the deer hide that I tanned myself. I still have to do a little work on it, but hey, it'll keep me busy after class tomorrow. No sweat. I would have brought my dream catcher instead... but I didn't feel like getting it down off my ceiling. It's easier to bring the deer hide, even if I have to put some finishing touches on it. And there is a better story behind it, I think.

If only I were Japanese... then it would have been easy. x'D

Homesickness

2008-04-16T03:28:00.002-04:00

I'm lethargic again, but I'm still taking my pills. And I think it's homesickness, since I was super energetic and just wanted to be out doing things back in New York last weekend. I got back to MA (almost late!) and I just suddenly... don't want to do anything. It's been a long ten months, and we're in the home stretch so I really don't need this... but damn does it hit hard. I just want to be with my family, waking up in a comfortably familiar area, and doing what I love. I miss my friends something terrible, and I'm tired of missing out on the things they're doing because I'm not there.

Sure, Hallmark is only ten months and I am doing extraordinary things here, being offered opportunities like no others; but deep down I am a simple person. I don't need extravagance nor amazing opportunities to be happy. I need my friends and family, and while I have made new ones out here, the ones I need and miss are all two and a half hours away. I never really get to see them when I'm home, either, because they work, and I'm not there that long. And forget about seeing them online, it just isn't the same. Neither is the phone.

Ten months is way too long for me. One month okay. Three months fine. Anything over five months is pushing it. Ten months is going to drive me insane... Insaner. More insane. Whatever it'd be.

It's not even necessarily that MA is bad, either. Sure, I do hate it, but it's also so very different from my little town of less than 2000 people. I never get to see a true forest of trees here, and it's never silent. The nights have warmed but my chorus of evening animals does not greet my ears. I mean, for goodness sakes, I travel to school by highway, you can't do that at home! We don't even have public transportation aside from school buses, let alone highways. Visiting is nice, but living around all these people is terrible. I want my solitude. I want to be able to go outside and sit among nature where no one is going to bother me.

Most of all though, I just want the familiar activities, and to stop missing out on things. I feel so out of the loop... And I really do love Hallmark, it's just that my skin is wearing thin now.

And without the resolve I had before, it gets more and more hard to push myself to go to the classes that don't interest me, and to the guest lecturers. Especially the guest lecturers. They were great in the beginning and stuff... but now they just seem redundant and boring. Some even very snooty. And I find myself sitting further and further back so as not to fall asleep right in front of them, even though I am incredibly uncomfortable in those seats.

George was angry with us for skipping... but most of us are just tired. I know I am. I don't have the patience any more to sit and listen. They definitely would have been better received if they were more spread out, and not once a week. And I hate being so apathetic to them and such, but it honestly grates on my nerves. I try to stop it, try to convince myself otherwise, but it just isn't happening anymore.

I'll see Hallmark through to the end, and I will graduate, but I just can't behave in the manner I know I should anymore. I forsee a lot of leaving early from the last class when I can afford it, and skipping all together to go home and share special moments with people.

Like, for example, my friend graduates this Friday, at 6pm, and I can't make it because my class doesn't end until 5pm. If it weren't for the fact that I might have other friends here with me that day, I might leave early to go see that.

I know my education is important, and that I am paying for it... but I can't focus properly anymore so it doesn't matter too much. I'll figure it all out eventually.

Right now though, I need to go to bed. I'm just making myself upset and more apathetic at this point, so it is sleep time. I'll share my past weekend tomorrow or something.

Some Memorable Moments

2008-04-16T03:09:00.002-04:00

So I lacked on actual Hallmark moments for a bit there. Which is not really that cool, I don't think. So here come some memorable moments and quotes!

Tony sticking a pez dispenser on top of a camera, and telling us how he used to black out the names of what camera he was using with electrical tape, and then with the help of white out write things like "Ford" and "GM" on it to confuse idiots.

Sandra commenting that Rich was in the right place if he was there to teach us Pornography 101. x'D

Not being able to focus in class one day with Celia. For the record, this was when I was sick and mixing more medication than I should have been. Not my smartest move ever, for sure. ADD is NOT fun for anyone who is wondering. However, it does make Facebook applications much more entertaining than they really are.

David Langley and Michael Zide trying to figure out the guitar, and Michael asking "Is it a tuning fork or a pitch fork?" It was really cute. I love cute old people. They tell great stories.

Michael Merrit going on, almost like a kid in a candy shop, about Lightroom 2.0 Beta. He really must love that program, I swear. It's adorable, in its own way.

Rob letting down his hair to catcalls and peer pressure from Gabe. Let me tell you, this was the most beautiful thing I had seen in a while. But then again, I just think that long hair is pretty, and when guys have the balls to keep long hair, that's a plus in my book any day. What was funnier was that Gabe suggested he just do a hair flip for the talent show and he'd take first, and Rob goes "You mean this?" and did the flip. It was soooo funny. But great at the same time. The irony was though, while all this was happening, no one had a camera to take a picture of it. Here we are, a room full of photographers witnessing something AWESOME... and not a camera in sight. Wow.

There was also Bobbi Lane, who I felt bad for because trying to teach us hardcore stuff in the morning is like trying to get a chicken to fly. It's a rare thing. All I took away from it was that sales tax is a bitch. Thank god for tax accountants.

Paul Teeling posing sexily on a table is funny. That class was entertaining all thanks to him. Usually his voice is to me what Jigglypuff's song is to anyone, but not this time. It was kind of cool. And yeah, I just referenced Pokemon. So shoot me.

Rob also told me about how he used to use this certain system and program that allowed you to edit sectors to change the speech bubbles in old games. Good lord the things you could do. x'D

And a memorable quote from Gabe: "Paint is like love, only gooey. And then it dries and gets crusty and you hang it on the wall." Part of the conversation where he told us that he had no idea about computers and that he was a painter. He is a funny man.

Gabe also showed us how a terrorist attacked his gallery display in Starbucks. No lie. Go Google a story about the car crashing through Starbucks in Northampton, MA around 3am a few years ago. It's all true. Poor Gabe.

That's all I can really remember right now. But it's worth it. ^^

Queen of Procrastination

2008-04-11T03:35:00.003-04:00

So, our websites for our final are due on Monday at 7:45am, sharp. And I don't feel like getting to the school quite that early, so that means I have to hand in my site today. Well, that's all fine and dandy, except that about six hours ago my site didn't even exist. x'D You heard me, we've known about this for MONTHS, and got the assignment the last week of March... and I just built my site. I am the QUEEN of procrastination.

Still, I was pretty confident that I could do it, and in this six hours I created from scratch a basic website, figured out FTP, and got all the comments I needed.

Starting with the website...

This was a HUGE thorn in my side. And not because I can't code, because I can; I have been since I was 13. The issue was in the fact that ever since they started us on Dreamweaver, my coding skills have just flopped. I used to be able to do just about anything, and then I tried Dreamweaver once more... and they were gone. All my skills... POOF. I was REALLY ANGRY. Mostly because the CSS would validate, or seem to, and then it would come up with an error on the index.html portion. Turns out that #008000 and #004000 are no longer usable hex codes. WHAT THE HELL!? CHANGING HEX CODES ON ME!? D: You better believe that blew my mind. So I had to go find them else where blah blah blah... MOVING ON! So, I get those right and the CSS still will not link in. I trashed those and just started over again. It's a good thing I had just saved everything too, because I went to open a CD of images... and my whole computer froze. To the point that in order to reboot it, I had to pull the battery off. It must have been angry at me for shaking it violently and cursing at it when Dreamweaver would not function as I desired it to. And I'm not joking, I picked this laptop up and shook it violently. x'D

Anyways...

So I got that all working fine and dandy. Can't create a simpleviewer gallery inside an iframe though, so I went and found a different code. And now I have cute little within-site popups! YAY! I'm more happy with these than simpleviewer anyday.

I did actually create the site in Dreamweaver though. Simply because I was too annoyed to have a million and one notepads open. I still worked solely in the code area.

The next big thing though was to figure out the FTP client. Had I been smart and gone to 1and1's FAQ right off, I wouldn't have spent 2.5 hours fighting with Filezilla. And yes, this involved more violent shaking of the laptop and cursing. x'D

However, after an FAQ visit, and getting a visit from the hammer of common sense, I did figure it out!

A WEBSITE CREATED ON LITTLE MOJO AND HAVING NEVER TOUCHED FTP BEFORE!

http://www.photo-phantasy.com

:D

ljg;abgiurbhg LOANS!?

2008-04-09T02:57:00.002-04:00

Two words: BANKS SUCK.

Seriously.

I have been doing nothing but running around trying to get my car loan so that I can purchase the car a guy got for me at auction. And between the bank and the insurance company (more so the bank) it has been HELL.

I know I promised an update on school, but quite frankly, my mind is shot. So my basic update is this:

Guy went out to auction for us.
Guy found lots of pretty cars.
I specified I wanted no car that was White, Silver/Grey, or Light Blue.
Guy finds a 2004 Pontiac Sunfire.
It's hunter green.
Definite yes.
Guy bids and wins it for $6,800.
Car is clean, just needs new tires.
Retail value is $7,500.
Guy decides he hears something, adds new wheel bearings just in case.
Guy doesn't want to rip us off, gives us the wheel bearings and tires at his price.
Total comes to about $6,900.
Most of the work was done in getting the bank to agree.
Bank argues because we asked for more than market value.
We weren't sure at the time how much work would be needed.
Bank gives us a hard time about insurance.
Insurance company does as needed.
Bank gives us a hard time about bill of sale.
Guy gives us bill of sale easily.
Insurance is wary about the registration thing, hesitates on sending binder.
Cleared things up with them.
Eventually get loan completed.
Go back to get car, the guy who sold it is lagging on the paperwork.

AUUUUUGH.

So I have the Durango once more.

Oh, and apparently you can't sign the loan papers yourself and have your cosigner sign them later at a time more convenient to them. Oh no. So I had to hang back an extra day to finalize that.

I will be picking the car up this weekend. Thank god it's good on gas though, because the oil companies are raping us up the ass with their gas nozzels. Ethanol in the mixture will lower the prices my butt. What a load of bullshit that was. Man, can't wait until one of these oil CEOs gets shot, because let me tell ya, the American people are being pushed to their limits. Someone is gonna snap soon and go postal.

But that's a different rant. I am going to bed now.

Driving Back was the Worst Part

2008-04-01T04:20:00.003-04:00

All right, so the accident was pretty bad, and fairly scary (though exciting in a small way), but driving back was the WORST PART. Every time I crossed a bridge, I had a panic attack. And going over wet roads, well, I felt every small slip formed by a puddle. It was nothing to get worked up over, but my nerves are just on edge because of everything that happened. Still, I made it back this afternoon around 12:15. Not bad, considering I left after 9:30am. Dad is letting me borrow his truck for the week. I hate it so much because it is so big and has so many blind spots, but it's better than a rental because they were going to charge me an extra $100+ a day because of my age. Which is bullshit. $100 a week extra, maybe, but not a day.

My car though, poor little Deathmobile (yeah, that's its name. x'D) might have seen its last road trip though. D: The damage isn't too bad, and Dad even managed to pull everything back into place, but it's probably just not worth the money to fix it. Even in its current condition though, we should be able to get about $2,000 trade-in on it, so that's helpful. So it looks like I'll be getting a new car. Man... as nice as that will be because I really hated the body style of my car, I was really hoping to make it another year with this one. That, and I'm going to miss it. It was my great-grandfather's, so it's kind of special, even if it did have issues up the wazoo. But it's so old that it's just nickle-and-diming me to death with repairs, so it's probably time to send it to the junkyard. :( I will miss it though.

And you know what, I wouldn't be surprised if the whole reason I escaped that accident in as good of shape as I did, was because my great-grandparents were watching over me. That, and Pagans' say keeping a black rose in your back window is good luck, so that probably helped too.

I'll tell you what though, I thought the aches were all gone, but I was wrong. I still have a couple: one in my shoulders, and one in my right leg--the one I drive with. I noticed it after driving for so long, and then sitting in class. Man... sucks big time. And with guest lecturers tomorrow, and my favourite auditorium seats... ugh. I'm going to be pretty irritated if they run waaaaaay overtime before giving us breaks because of it. I hate sitting for that long as it is, but when I am hurting and need to stretch it out... D: That just makes it worse. That, and most people just plain lose my attention after 30-40min, so if you blabber on for an extra 20-30min? I am really not paying attention. It's one thing if I'm conversing with someone, but to listen to a lecture... no. I just can't do it.

The other issue I have is that it makes me sleepy. And when I get tired, I get either really mellow, or really irritable. And lately, I've been leaning towards easily irritable. Ew. So not cool. But, not much I can do but sleep it off. x'D

I swear though, tomorrow I will give you a general update of what's been going on at school. I will be done being preoccupied with my car stuff enough to tell you all the funnies. At least until Thursday, when I leave again for a doctor's appointment to make sure the meds are doing okay. *thumbs up* S'all good now though. :D

The Aftermath

2008-03-30T05:57:00.003-04:00

So, I was definitely sore yesterday. My shoulders, elbows, and right leg (the one I drive with) were all definitely screaming. Especially that leg. However, it was hurting before I crashed, so I'm thinking I just compounded something. Either way, after sitting for two hours watching the production of Beauty and the Beast, I was having a little difficulty walking because it just was stiff and didn't want to support me. >.< Probably a good thing I couldn't do any photography. Well, until the end.

I'll tell you what though, Village Photo ripped my idea for shooting the dress rehearsal and then selling back to the parents the nights of the production. And from what my sister told me, they were real assholes about it. That, and listening, some people weren't too happy with how the photos came out. I know what brief glance I was able to get at them, they seemed underexposed and poorly captured. But then again, this is the same place that did my senior portraits (because Mom didn't know any better even though I warned her that they were going to be crap) and bombed them. I swear that all they do is hand anyone who applies a DSLR and teach them how to pose people. They don't even do a good job retouching. Sadly though, I wasn't able to make it over to their little table since I had other matters to attend to, and unlike me, they were long gone by the end of the production, and missing out on those possible sales. Oh well. And the fools didn't even put their business name with the photos. But, I digress, had I been able to be back here three days ago, that would have been me.

But anyways, they did a beautiful job with the play, and now that I watched it as an adult of sorts, I can appreciate all the innuendos and puns and jokes that it had to offer. There really are some severely raunchy moments! Hahaha, oh well, it was worth it. And not only did I get to see the production and be proud of my sister, but I was able to see a lot of my friends as well, who I have been missing sorely while I've been in MA. Man, seeing them again really makes me not want to return. I miss them all a lot.

However, I may have a week to spend with them if I can't find a way to get back. Dad thinks I should use a rental car, but I really don't know if I'm comfortable with that. I'm still a bit shakey to get back on the highway though, guess it's to be expected. Still, I won't let it stop me because the accident was bound to happen. With this many cars on the road, everyone will probably have at least one major accident in their life, and that was mine. And out of how many times I've driven from MA to NY and vise-versa, I'm surprised it hadn't happened sooner. But yeah, I'm working on finding transportation back, and then I need to earn enough money to purchase a new used-car, because the Oldsmobile just isn't long for this world. I was kind of hoping to make it through summer with it though. Also means I might have to wait a couple years on opening my own studio, since I have some new priorities. Oy... and I was looking forward to that too. Oh well, I'll still freelance.

And at least I know one place I won't go: Village Photo. >.<

Accidents Happen

2008-03-29T01:12:00.001-04:00

So tonight driving home to NY from MA, I was in my first serious accident. And it couldn't have the courtesy to happen on a normal road, no, I hit black ice at 50mph on the highway. And not just any highway, the Northway. It was right after I crossed the bridge over the Hudson. Like, right after. I hadn't been off the bridge two seconds and I lost control of my vehicle. It was snowing (yup, snow in the end of March. >.<) so the roads were wet and covered with a dusting of white, but seriously that's something you drive through often. I spun though, and kissed the guard rail before weaving back and forth across three lanes of traffic and making a 180, kissing the guard rail again with my back bumper and stopping. I forgot everything I had learned in defensive driving about not using my brakes, and just held that pedal flat to the floor. In reality it only makes things worse. Once you start sliding on ice though, there's no stopping. The only thing I did remember was to point my wheels in the direction I wanted to go. I pulled over, and called my Dad right after. I was definitely shaken up, but unhurt. And I limped it down to the rest area two miles away, where a kind gentleman helped me tie my bumper back together so I wasn't dragging it, and I proceeded to drive home.

The damage isn't too bad, but because everything was pushed back I cannot open the driver's door. I lost the front directional on the driver's side, and smashed that light up pretty bad, but the headlight still works. The bumper is definitely broken, and the corner is beat up on the driver's side. All that's wrong with the back is that part of the bumper is loose. I'm sure I have a lot of paint scraped off too, but it was too dark to see since this was at about 10:30pm.

I wasn't the only one who spun, either. The guy behind me spun out as well, but he must have been going slower at seeing me take my spin or something, because he was stopped a good 200ft behind me. About an hour later, when I got off the Northway, and made my way home and such, Dad said that an ambulance and fire crew were called to that exact spot for a vehicle crash with injuries. And we know the time because I called him when I got off the highway to let him know where I was. So it looks like that is definitely a trouble spot that needs to be watched carefully.

I'm definitely thankful though, because the air bag didn't deploy, and I wasn't hit by other traffic. I remember thinking to myself as I was trying to control my car "Oh shit someone is going to T-bone me for sure!", but no one did. I was very, very lucky.

And the hell I'm reporting this, since it's illegal to hit the guardrail (stupid law or what?), because I'll get ticketed for "imprudent speed for weather conditions". Bull shit I was going too fast. Let me review this accident one more time:

I'm going straight at 50mph in a 55mph zone. I hit black ice, while going straight, and I either tapped the brakes before or after I started spinning, I can't remember. But either way, I spun out while going straight. Which means that I must have turned just a little bit, because the highway was going straight, and there was enough of an ice buildup to send me and the guy behind me spinning. While going straight!!!

Of course tough, the state will never take liability for it. Stupid government. Imprudent speed my ass.

But like I said, I'm fine. I expect I'll be sore tomorrow since I was probably stiff-limbed when I connected with the guardrail and might have jammed my joints a bit, but I didn't bounce a lot and I didn't kiss the steering wheel, so I'm good. The big question now is, how the hell do I get back to MA for class on Monday? I'm either going to be stuck in NY, or I might have to steal my Dad's truck. Oy...

We shall see. >.<

The Battle Ensues

2008-03-27T11:27:00.004-04:00

So in the battle of Sam -vs- The Cold of the Century, the scoreboard is looking tipsy at 3:4.

The stupid cold totally kicked my ass, kept me from getting stuff done on vacation, made me miss school, and now it's given me a headache and nausea. x_x

What have I done? Slept, drank cold medicine, and just now I took some Advil. Oy.

And not even regular Advil, oh no, my pretty children's-strength stuff. Because my tolerance for medicine=0, and so I don't even take the same dosage as a six-year old. Pathetic.

I still have about an hour before I absolutely have to leave for classes though, so if at all possible I'm going to try and rest to get rid of this damn thing. Haven't had much luck with the resting thing for the past hour and a half, but hey, I have a half hour to fourty-five more minutes to try, so why not? Provided the meds kick in nicely, I'll be fine.

That, and the coughing fits need to stop. >.<

Auuuugh!

What good is breathing and not having a sore throat if you're still coughing and can't concentrate due to a headache that induces nausea? I think I preferred the stuffy nose and sneezing. >.<

*shakefist* Stupid cold!

Idea Generating Speed?

2008-03-26T22:30:00.002-04:00

Man, I am on a ROLL tonight! I feel like I am on idea-generating speed or something! Last phase I kind of was haphazardly trudging through, and not having much inspiration (winter time blues+depression anyone?), but this phase it's like BAM! Explosion! Massive amounts of ideas, bludgeoning me over the head in an effort to get noticed! And I love all ideas, so I've been recording them. But not only that, I've taken it one step further. I'm acting on them too, and making plans way ahead of time! Thanks to spring, I don't have to really worry about the weather anymore to stop me from getting places. So I can make more plans this time!

And tonight alone, I've sent out tons of emails asking people, and called a bunch of my family for stuff. One thing I can't mention though because it's to be a surprise for mother's day. ^_~ But I may already have two or three assignments lined up, plus three or four, possibly five in the making.

I will totally be bothering Rich tomorrow with these ideas.

I AM SO EXCITED!!!!

New Workload and Porfolio Judges

2008-03-26T21:32:00.000-04:00

So on Monday we got our final workload, we found out when our portfolios are going to be judged to determine if we pass or fail (well, first we'd go to re-review which would mean we wouldn't find out until the day before graduation if we made it), and who will be judging them.

So let's start this off with a bang! This year, for the Hallmark class of 2008, the amazing people responsible for our futures are...

[insert drum roll here]

Beth Reynolds
Barbara Bordnick
David Turner

I think I about DIED with joy. The one I don't care much for is not on the panel, and I highly admire both Beth and Barbara. Sadly, I missed David's due to illness, but I am sure he is amazing as well.

My portfolio is going up to be judged on June 2nd and 3rd. Ohmigosh!!! OwO This is EXTREMELY exciting! Not only does this signal the beginning of my career as a professional, it has also helped me prove to myself that I can be self-supportive (in a way) and that I can be the mature adult I was afraid would never surface. Hallmark has been wonderful for me on more life levels than I can count and name. Wow.

What's also cool, is that we can have someone there when they go one-on-one with us to discuss our portfolios; to take notes and hold our hand. I was debating between my parents and Miss. Mierzwa, but after talking to my mom we both decided I should ask Miss. M first since she got me into this. I would really like her to be there to see just how far I've come with it all. ^^

Now, onto the icky part... the assignments. Though, I have to say, I had a major brainstorming session during the commercial lecture I was only half-listening to, since I'm entering portraits and weddings (aka I listened to the stuff that pertained to the mandatories, and to Dick's words of wisdom and really funny stories, and jotted notes on ideas for the rest) and won't be doing as much commercial stuff. So I am feeling pretty good with this. Even have an idea for a conceptual still life!! Whoo whoo!!! \OwO/

Anywho, here is that list of assignments.

Mandatories

PR + Alternative
In-home Family Portrait
Occupational Environmental Portrait (25+ years old)
High Key Female (18+ years old)
Low Key Male B+W (18+ years old)
Couple Portrait
Child Portrait (8- years old)
Outdoor Portrait
Pop 'n Drops
Conceptual Still Life
Reflective Metal
Glassware
Advertisement Illustration
Interior Architecture
Digital Alteration
Environmental Still Life
Self-Promotional DVD Booklet
Digital Portfolio on DVD
Personal Website
PDF Portfolio to School Dropbox
Six Additional Personal Submissions

Then there are electives, which are different depending on what kind of portfolio you chose to specialize in. I'm going for Portraiture and Weddings, so I am doing six of those electives and avoiding the five with one Imaging Arts, because I know that's not my strong point. I have a friend who I'd much rather pay to help me, or do it in exchange for her senior photos, then make my own self promotional stuff; because I am really not good at that stuff at all. So I'm going to list all the electives I had to chose from, and the non-italicized ones are the ones I chose, though I may do extra if the urge strikes me.

Electives

Athlete in the Environment
Portrait of 2+ Children (12- years old)
Executive Portrait in the Office
Formal Bride and Groom
Family Portrait in the Environment
Pet Portraiture
Portrait of Pet and Owner
Portrait of a Teenager (12-18 years old)
Non-Family Related Group (5+ people)
Portrait of a Man or Woman with Natural Light (30+ years old)
Model Portfolio (4 Unique Images)
Person in Action (Frozen or Shown)

And there you have it. Welcome to Phase IV!

Cold of the Century

2008-03-25T23:46:00.002-04:00

I have the cold of the century, and it is kicking my ass. Severely. I've had to leave school early for the past two days because of it, and I've been wicked lethargic and sleeping all the time it seems. I went from mental illness to physical... if it's not one thing, it's another. Fever, sore throat (that's gone now thank god), stuffy nose, watery eyes, pain in my ears... what haven't I got? >.< It's to the point that I'm not taking measured doses of Children's Benadryl Allergy, I'm drinking it straight from the bottle. Probably not the safest of things, but since four teaspoons is only 50mg, I don't see myself overdosing all that easily, especially since it doesn't exactly taste like a chocolate milk shake.

I really want the lethargic feelings to stop though, because they're messing things up even worse. Like, driving home today was bad. I know I drove home, I must have because here I am, but I don't remember it. I do remember feeling like I shouldn't have been driving though, because I was so out of it with the cold. And the medicine can't even be blamed because I hadn't taken any since 4am. It was well out of my system. You better believe I took some when I got home though, and crashed until 5:30pm. So if it happens again tomorrow, and I start feeling out-of-sorts, I'm not waiting until I'll be a danger on the road. That was a really bad decision on my part. >.O

And when I say I've been sleeping too much, I really mean it. I slept in four hour bursts Sunday, woke up nauseated most of the time from a post-nasal-drip thing, and then drove in at 4am Monday. I had been up since 2:0am though. I went to school for the morning yesterday, but at 12:30 I went home, and there was just no going back. That's when I started with the meds. I slept until 7:30, was up until 8:30, and went back to sleep. Needless to say I was back up at 2am. And when I got home around noon today, I slept until 5:30pm when I forced myself to get up and stay awake. I'm gonna crash again soon though, since I need to. @_@ Waaaaay too much sleep.

So yeah... don't catch this highly contagious cold. It sucks. And I think the whole of Hallmark is gonna get it eventually. >.<

All I can say is that it does have one good benefit. If someone I don't particularly care for gets too close, all I have to do is sneeze and they will run for their health, because this is like the ULTIMATE germ. x'D

If Sharing is Caring then Leave Me Out of It

2008-03-23T02:29:00.003-04:00

All right, I know sharing is caring, but I'd rather be hated than have these germs shared with me. >.< Yeah... I'm sick. Caught the stupid cold that my Mom and Dad have, and have been stuck with it for the last half of my vacation. WHICH ROYALLY SUCKS! D: I slept more hours than I was awake, and have been lethargic in bed with my laptop reading stories people on the internet wrote since I finished the two books and three manga I brought home with me.

I really, really hate being sick. But I hate being sick and on happy pills at the same time though, because they jip me of some of my miserableness. When I'm sick, I want to be good and miserable!!! >.< I suppose no one else does, but they're supposed to go hand-in-hand. And then when you get healthy, you get happy, and it feels like a super awesome reward! The meds are totally ripping me off. *shakes fist*

Oh well, I need the meds though, so I guess I'll deal and eat a freezer pop. Those things are so good when you have a sore throat.

So I'm off... to go pack or something. Have a wonderful Easter, and I'll be back come the beginning of Phase IV on Monday!

THREE MONTHS TO GO! WHOO! \OwO/

Coveting my Artistic Talents

2008-03-19T19:33:00.002-04:00

So as I'm sitting here, plying more karaoke with my sister (got the new discs! :D), I have found out that the music teacher, Miss. Payeur at my old High School, has coveted my artistic talents to help with set production for their performance of Beauty and the Beast. xD My sister says she was going on about photography first, and then the sets were brought up and Mia reminded her that I took a ton of art classes. Ahahaha, my name lives on in that school. So I might not only be doing photos, but sets. x'D Man... I can't believe I'm still necessary. Would have thought that someone else had been able to step in. Guess not. So tomorrow from 10-4 I might do sets. Maybe. Who knows. Depends on if I can wake up. xD I do like my sleep on these vacations... when I'm not staying up for 22 hours straight to read an 850-something page webcomic... >.> I am such a r-tard sometimes. Haha But it's fun.

So now that I've typed up this entry between songs, I'm gonna go back to trying to kick my sister's butt. She was definitely the one gifted with the singing talents, but I can hum my way through a song something fierce. Hahaha

And yeah, the pills are really starting to kick in. :D

Welcome Back Nocturnal Creature

2008-03-17T06:25:00.003-04:00

So here we go again, sorting out the meds and how they're going to effect my system. Looks like I cannot take them at night anymore, unless I am immediately going to bed; because they will make me drowsy at first, and then they fill me full of energy, and I am hyper and awake. Which is evident by my need to bounce my leg and/or fidget. So because of that, and my mother's paranoia that I would forget (can't blame her), I was taking them fairly early in the night... and then became unable to sleep. Well, we're going to start trying taking them in the morning, but I'm still all turned around and living a fairly nocturnal life right now. Ugh. Not good. So I have to fix that. At least I'm on vacation.

Speaking of vacation... I played eleven straight hours of karaoke yesterday, before I finally stopped. And another three hours today. I think I'm obsessed and addicted... haha. I can't wait for the other ones I ordered to get here!

Can't just play karaoke all vacation though, so I'll eventually go out and do some photography. It's just been pretty miserable weather here so far. Blah. If I don't really have to shoot in it, I won't this time of year. Too cold, too icey, too dangerous.

So, lets hope for better weather! And the other games! :D

Things are Looking Up

2008-03-15T20:47:00.002-04:00

So I went and saw Tammy, got the leave of absence, and then left Massachusetts for New York to see the doctor. We talked things over, and we're going to stick with the dosage I have. Turns out that getting back on them may take longer than the first time, and I could have these lows with them. However, just in case I have another follow-up appointment in a month. And if things get too low, not only can I go back to Tammy, but I am to call the doctor so we can do something about it. She can raise my prescription over the phone with the pharmacy and stuff, so we will get it all straightened out. Which I am really, really glad for. I hate being that down.

Now that I am home, we have spring break next week. Which is awesome, because I can catch up with my friends. But what I am addicted to right now is Karaoke Revolution. And there is like... a party of it going on at the moment. I'm typing between songs. x'D We have my whole family singing, plus a friend of the family and her son. Haha, it is awesome. And tomorrow, my sister and I are going to go pick up some friends, and we're really gonna have a party! WHOOO BABY!

Our favourite part though, is listening to the reviews since this is the American Idol version. They're too funny. One that my Mom got from Simon went:
"Count 20 cats, put the cats in a sack, shake the bag, and that's what you sounded like."
The son of the family friend got:
"Someone needs to make you singing in public illegal."

Just... sooooo funny. x'D

We're having a blast. I've been playing for seven hours straight now. Hehe.

Can't wait for the original Karaoke Revolutions to get in. ^^

Meds not Working...?

2008-03-10T03:41:00.002-04:00

I don't think the meds are doing what they're supposed to be doing anymore. I've been taking them for about five days straight now, and so I should be feeling the effects slightly, but instead things just feel like they're getting worse. It's back to the point that I'm becoming suicidal as well, so I really think I'm going to be placing a call in to Tammy tomorrow, because I can't keep going like this. Some might argue that five days isn't long enough, but at the very least that would have been plenty of time for the pills to at least stop the dpression from worsening. So something is wrong. I highly doubt I'd ever actually be able to take my own life, but I still remember where these emotions sent me two years ago, and I don't plan on letting them take me back there. So yeah, a call in to Tammy is necessary so that we can discuss the next step. I don't want to leave Hallmark, because I really want to graduate, but something has to be done.

I did therapy before, with both a school social worker, and another social worker. The school social worker was the only one who helped me feel better though, as the other one basically told me to drop out of high school and get a job. Dropped her after three sessions. So... I'm very wary of therapy.

That's about when I got the anti-depressants. Contrary to popular belief, they didn't make me hallucinate, nor see crazy things. I didn't hear voices, nor did they mess me up. They didn't make me more suicidal, and I didn't become narcoleptic. None of that crazy nonsense that people are paranoid about with them happened to me. They really did help, and they kicked in after a week. However, I eventually had to up the dosage. I went from 25mg of Zoloft, to 50mg, which is where I am now. So it's not some horrible amount.

Anyways, enough of my rambling. I'm definitely not okay. In fact, I'm as far from okay as I can possibly get without being actively self-destructive. So a call to the doctor is in order as well.

Oh, and on a side note, I made it back to MA. Alternator seems to be doing good. Must have just been wet. At least that's doing good.

Just Can't Catch a Break

2008-03-09T01:02:00.002-05:00

I feel like I just can't catch a break. I came home this weekend to do some shooting for my stuff that's due on Friday, but it has been nasty and rainy all day. So I drove and scouted to see what things were doing around here since I needed to know what roads were impassable from the weather at least today, and tomorrow since it's only supposed to snow maybe I'll get some shooting done.

However, while I was driving home this evening from running some errands, my high beams started to dim on me, and then brighten back up. That's not a good sign, and according to my Dad, it means my alternator could have gone bad. Shouldn't have, since it's only two years old, if that. The other option is that it's just wet, which is what I'm hoping for, or my car has to go back to the shop... again.

The other reason I came back to NY though, and the biggest one, is because I really needed to see my family, what with all this depression stuff that's going on. But to be stranded here is freaking me out because I have a presentation on Monday that can make or break me. And I already feel bad about that because since the depression screwed me over so badly this past week, I've really not been able to help my group. Like... I am hating myself for this so badly. I just... I totally let my group down and I'm beating myself up over it. I feel really, really horrible about it. And to miss Monday too... unforgivable. I wouldn't blame any of them if they never spoke to me again.

But yeah... I have no idea if I'll even be able to get back into MA tomorrow as planned. It all depends on what my vehicle tells me. If not... well, then Tammy is probably going to get one panicked phone call from me because I have no idea what to do. Things are just really messy... again.

Anyways, I need to try and ignore the fact that the high winds are freaking me out and get some sleep. Cross your fingers and hope for the best for me!

They All Live in Greenfield

2008-03-06T13:51:00.002-05:00

So, approximately five minutes ago I was awoken by voices and doorbells, including my own. I opened the door to find a frantic man asking my neighbor (who I hadn't met until today) about a lady who was either Hispanic or Filipino with black hair that lived in our building, who he needed to find. We directed him to the other side, but man is that creepy. He didn't even know her name, or exact description. I didn't really get a good look at him since I was still half asleep, but I can tell you that he had a speech impediment. So no cop calling for me. I'll leave it to my neighbor, should she be creeped out enough.

Greenfield... what am I going to do with you?

Tis the Season

2008-03-06T09:57:00.002-05:00

I woke up yesterday, and felt totally nauseated. But I managed to eat (barely) and take my pill.

I woke up today... and it's even worse. If I didn't have such a tolerance built up with my stomach, I probably would have vomited.

I think I might have the flu. Yuck. I'm really hoping it's just a stomach bug though. Really really hoping. Because I have things I need to do, such as go to class, and shoot my personal submissions and self portrait.

Have a lot of that planned out for the weekend, thank goodness.

Friggin' health. Never fails though, never fails. Every year there is one week at the minimum that just gets me, and my body falls to pieces. I think we've found that time. xP

From Ellie

2008-03-05T15:15:00.004-05:00

This is a comment, left by Ellie (don't know if that's a real name or not) on "The Root of the Problem". Since there is no cute little "Reply to this person" kind of button, I'll respond in another post, because it's something I feel I need to do.

Ellie Writes:
You are depressed and wake up with bruises on your body after sleep? You may have sleep apnea, which left untreated long enough can lead to depression. That is what happened to me. You could also have nocturnal epilepsy and be having seizures in your sleep which would explain your bruising. "Chemical imbalance" is an overused diagnosis for those of us with issues that look like childhood mental health problems. I suggest that you go to your physician and get a sleep study done.

Thank you for this insight Ellie. I really don't know anything about sleep apnea, and I had never heard until nocturnal seizures until now. But I will look into them for sure, and talk with my doctor about them. I'm not sure if I can do a sleep study just yet, but I will keep that in mind as well. For right now I will have faith in my meds, since they seemed to work last time. But if this could be the trigger to my depression, getting to that would be better than just clearing up the depression.

Thank you very much for your comment. I really appreciate it.

The Root of the Problem

2008-03-05T02:13:00.002-05:00

My attendance lately, has been crap. My attention span, has been nonexistent. And my feelings towards life in general, disappearing. But more on that later.

First and foremost, that meeting.

So, I totally have to reshoot everything. :\ Fun. Not really. I'm going to wait and see what our electives are, and then start reshooting. Because right now I have other things I need to be doing. I also got my career business plan back... and while I was fairly upset at the lack of positive comments (I understand I need to see mistakes... but at least give me some hope that I did well in areas...), I was humoured by the lack of understanding about my area. So... win-win for me? No idea. It passed and that's all I care about.

And I was wrong. George Rosa III sat to my left. xD

But it really wasn't as horrid and soul-destroying as I had worked myself up to believe. Thank goodness.

But yeah... gotta reshoot. Blarg.

Anyways, back to my opening. So things have not been happy for me lately, and even though I put the smile on when I'm in school... I'm just not happy. And it's screwing with my health, my education, and my sanity. I finally found my anti-depressants though, so I've been able to start taking them again. Still, it's going to take a little while for them to kick in.

At first I thought it was a cold, but it's not. It's my good ol' depression creeping back up on me, and it's not a good sign. The last time this happened I just stopped going to school, stayed curled up in a dark room unless I was thirsty or had to use the bathroom, I didn't eat, I slept all the time (literally, I was awake maybe five hours a day) or I was nocturnal (sleeping from the hours of 6am to 4pm), I just felt nothing, and I didn't take care of my body. You better believe the idea of suicide was on my mind. But I just could never do that. I tried therapy, but the woman told me to just drop out of school... so I don't do therapists anymore. The pills help though.

So here I am again, back at that ledge where I will fall into the dark water. The question is, will I sink or swim? I've worked so hard to get where I am here at Hallmark, that I really want to swim. And I will regret it if I don't. But there is no way I can do it without my meds, so if they don't kick in I'll have to go see the doctor, and fix the script. And if I do sink, there's going to be no coming back this time I fear. I almost drowned once and barely escaped, I don't know if I could escape again.

In the meantime... I'm not sure. I just have to try and push past the walls depression creates and try to live a life. It'll be a lie, since I will hide behind a smile, but at least it'll be living of some sort. And why smile you ask? Simple, if I don't, people worry way too much. Which makes it seem retarded that I'm posting it on here, but it's really not. Because this is still a part of my experience, and my growth... if you can call it that.

And besides, I'm sick of discussing it with people. I don't want to hear "Well is anything bothering you?" and "Are you sure you're okay?" Let me clear two things up with one simple post that many people can read, so that I don't have to repeat myself.

First off, nothing that I consciously know of is bothering me. I was diagnosed with clinical depression (finally) two years ago, but I've had it for years. I've seen counselors since the 6th grade, even though there has only been one who was actually always there for me when I needed. And I almost checked myself into a psych hospital. But there is nothing bothering me. All we can tell at this point is that it's purely an imbalance of chemicals in my brain, and possibly triggered by some stuff that happened in the past. So please, if you're reading this, don't ask me that.

And secondly, I know I'm not okay. I'll say I'm fine to avoid more questions because when I'm depressed, I cry easily. But if you really want to know, your best bet is to ask me via the computer, because then I don't hate myself as much. I'm not crying over anything worthy, and I really loathe crying in public. I feel very stupid when I cry, so hiding behind my computer helps me. If I ever cry in front of you, you've either gone way too far with something, or I really trust you. Remember that. Unfortunately for you though, it can cause severe mood swings between happy and sad no matter what, and sometimes anger. Normally I'm just apathetic though.

Another thing, I am not a cutter, but I am a subconscious self-harmer. This means that I hurt myself in my sleep when I have no active control over my actions. And the only reason I know this is because I used to wake up to bruises on my body when I had not bumped into anything the day before, nor done anything to cause the bruises. Cuts not so much... but I digress. Those bruises certainly didn't come from the monster that lives under my bed.

So yes, the signs have started appearing again for my depression, and I'm working on getting my meds back under control. My advice to anyone coming here in the future that's on meds: DON'T LOSE THEM. Seriously. I was doing well for a while, and now I am crashing and burning.

That good feeling is an illusion unless the doctor has said you're good to go. And I really fell for it. And now I have to pay for it, big time.

Thankfully, I have never been on academic probation before, so I don't have to worry too much over that.

And there is one person here, Tammy, who is nicknamed "Mom" because she is like the student guidance counselor for us, that I could go to; but I just can't. As nice as she is and as much as she does for us, I just don't feel that certain initial trust connection that I need to have in order to go to someone and spill my guts in depth. And it's not because she's a bad person or anything, it's just my instincts telling me that she's not what I need. Somehow, someway, we would clash and that would be bad. And believe you me, there is a lot more to this than what I have told you here. Those are the basics though, for sure.

So yes, welcome to my crazy screwed up emotions and sanity.

Nerves of Steel... Not.

2008-03-03T03:35:00.002-05:00

So today is the day that I go in for the review of my portfolio mandatories... 3:40pm SHARP. We actually were told to be there five minutes prior, and to dress casually, but professionally. Oh. My. God. I have been FREAKING OUT all weekend. It's horrible! I know I shouldn't be so freaked out, because in reality it's just my teachers going over my stuff with me, but rumour has it that George Rosa III (Hallmark's President) will be sitting to my right during this. I haven't gotten solid proof... but the possibility is absolutely deadly on me. And I know, I just KNOW, that I'm going to have a lot of stuff kicked back at me. Why? Because there were a good amount of pieces that I looked at and just didn't feel strongly about at all. Others, however, I loved and I am really hoping that they make it in. So I guess we'll see...

I am so glad I can look forward to seeing my Aunt Kathy and hanging out with her for a while afterwards.

Wish me luck! I'm going to try and not be an insomniac of stress. *twitch* >.o

Getting Sick

2008-02-28T12:12:00.002-05:00

So I totally missed class this morning, and I feel like such a horrible idiot because of it. I was up late last night and the night before not feeling well, and then this morning when my mom called I was up... and then I was like "Oh, I'll just rest for five more minutes and then get dressed... mmmm... warm blankets" and that was it. Lights went out and I was back asleep until about noon. I even had my alarm set for seven so I woke up at that at the latest. But now that I'm awake, I realize I'm kinda sick. Woke up with watery eyes, a sore throat, and stuffy nose. Throughout classes I have been super restless, and unable to just sit still. My back hurts all the time. And I have been having stomach problems every night. And this all can mean only one thing. That my wonderfully special time of the month is probably upon me. And that means super deadly cramps. Especially because even now, even though I've had all those hours of sleep, I could curl right back up and sleep until at least 4pm, maybe longer. I am so not looking forward to this. D:

In other news...

Yesterday we learned about pet portraiture. That class was a BLAST because people actually got to bring in their animals for demonstration. THEY WERE ALL SO CUTE! Someone even brought in a puppy so small you could hold it in the palm of your hand! <333 The cuteness was almost overwhelming. And Tony taught us some great tricks to get the animals to "pose" for us. Which rocks, because this is definitely something I want to do. If there are two things people love to pay for, it's pictures of their kids, and pictures of their pets. And I'll do both. *thumbs up*

Billy's poor puppy, Jackson, did puke all over the floor though after leaving the "kennel" (aka Joey's office xD), but what was disturbing was that this pile of puke was almost bigger than the dog. Craaaaaazy.

That's pretty much it though. The days have been fairly short since we have a lot of studio time.

And on Monday, my Aunt will be in town so we'll be visiting. ^^

Missed the Best Part of the Party

2008-02-26T21:24:00.007-05:00

So I have been WORKING MY ASS OFF to finish up the mandatories for the Phase III final portfolio. But it's done now, and we're on to the personal submissions. During the next three weeks I must shoot seven new images that follow the goals I set in my Career Business Plan, and a new self portrait. Oh boy... but it shouldn't be too difficult. We can use fellow Hallmark students for models again, which is nice.

It's definitely been a while since I updated though. >.< I actually have no remembrance of anything that happened the week prior to last. Kinda bad... because I'm almost certain important stuff happened. But oh well.

What I can tell you is that Ryszard Horowitz is an amazing photographer. Seriously check out his work. He can do things with film we only thought possible with Photoshop. Simply incredible.

Then we have this guest instructor I really don't like. Every time she speaks I feel like I'm being talked down to. I HATE that. She might be one of the main judges of our portfolios though, so I guess I'll have to deal with it and hold my tongue. Oi.

My sister was with me last week. That was interesting. Don't know that I'd bring her again though. As much as I love her, this was far too mature a situation for her. She wanted to have fun, and while we do have fun here, it wasn't her idea of fun. She just hasn't crossed that maturity bridge yet. Oh well.

That's about all that really sticks out in my mind from weeks prior.

This week so far, we've gotten our new schedules, and we are doing pet photography. Tarrin brought in her two pups, which are cockerdoos (mix between cockerspanials and poodles) and they are SO ADORABLE. Oh my goodness... I played with them during lunch. They're like walking teddy bears in the shape of puppies. x3 I wanted to take them home. ♥

But I totally missed the party this past weekend. In the mad rush of needed to finish things up, the school was open three days straight. People were literally sleeping on the floors. They went home briefly to get some food or clothes, and then returned. CRAZY. I cannot believe I missed it. But I had to bring my sister home, which was an adventure and and of itself.

See, we weren't in sync with the car, and ended up accidentally locking my keys inside. So with dying cell phones (mine died, and her's was going), I called Mom and Dad for the number to Triple A, and called them, and they came and got the keys out. It was supposed to be a 90 minute wait due to all the highway accidents in the snowstorm, but I told them we were stranded outside which sped things up. xD We really weren't because the nice elderly couple next door let us inside, but whatever. They didn't need to know that. So within 20 minutes they came and retrieved my keys.

Of course, that wasn't the end of it. I got off the Mass Pike one exit too soon, and we ended up temporarily lost in Albany. x'D I told Mia to get the map at her feet, and she was looking in the glove compartment, then she spilled her drink because I had to slam on the brakes for a last minute decision, and by the time she found my marks for getting home I had found my way back onto I90 West/I87 North. xD Oh well. It was an adventure... to me at least. Haha

But the weekend was peaceful, which was nice. And now I'm back in MA. The drive back was uneventful aside from the guy who tried to race me. Totally kicked his ass without doing more than 80mph. x3

So, I bet you want to see some of my work from that final. I get reviewed on it March 3rd at 3:40pm. WISH ME LUCK! >w<;

Shooting Guns by *Saknika on deviant ART

Serenity of Religion by *Saknika on deviant ART

Alluring by *Saknika on deviant ART

Old Fashioned Bottles by *Saknika on deviant ART

Male PR Shot by *Saknika on deviant ART

Iced In

2008-02-05T10:34:00.001-05:00

So this past weekend I was unable to return home to NY as I had planned, and could not do the shooting that I wanted to. Which really sucks, because I was going to try and knock off three or four assignments. I am coming back this weekend for sure though, so be prepared my fellows NYers! I be a shooting maniac with this here camera! >:3

In other news, I now have my own domain name! http://www.photo-phantasy.com I don't have a website up on it yet though, since I haven't figured out how to work the FTP client. But once I do you can expect to see my photography up on there. It will be super. Be sure to add it to your bookmarks/favourites as soon as it's up! ^^

It has also come to my attention that one of our instructors is more awesome than originally noted. Not only is he a gamer of WOW (World of Warcraft), but he is a forumite and uses our slang. He said "For the Win" in class the other day, and I almost died of shock. Gotta love the interwebing teachers. <3

That's about all that's been going on as of late. Nothing too big. So look for interesting stuff in the next few days. Probably tomorrow, since we have two guest speakers coming in and will be learning more about the student show.

Student Show

2008-01-30T14:29:00.000-05:00

So we have been informed that we are hosting a student show on April 27th. Basically, it's where we, the students, host an open house of Hallmark for friends, family, and the public. The faculty will help guide us, but we have to set everything up ourselves and do all the fund raising. And so they've chosen our main committee, but we also need the sub committees, which are as follows:

Invitations
Press Release
Fund Raising
Refreshments
Decorating
Tour Guides
Digital Lab
Imaging Lab
Classroom Area
Commercial Studio
Portrait Studio
Print Exhibit
Event Photographers (6)
Faculty
Parking Attendants
Door Greeters/Hosts

I think I'm going to be a tour guide, since they basically sell the school, if you will, and I'm really good at that because I love Hallmark so much and can talk about it/answer questions on it at ease.

The talk right after Beth Reynolds on this was amusing though, because Paul Teeling was adamant for karaoke night as a fund raiser, and busting a move up on stage, and then suddenly there was talk about fur bikinis. I don't know exactly, but it was really funny.

So yes, everyone plan to come on April 27th, because it's sure to be AMAZING!

A Most Inspirational Woman

2008-01-30T13:15:00.001-05:00

So yesterday I was a little iffy about going in, because we were scheduled to listen to a guest speaker all day, and in my mind it was going to be very boring. Thankfully though, the speaker we had proved me so wrong, I had to wait a day to post this just so I could let it all sink in and get the thoughts straight in my own mind because she was so inspirational. The woman I speak of is Beth Reynolds, and she is one of the most amazing photographers I now know of. This woman has done SO MUCH with her career, it's insane. And it's incredibly inspirational.

As she spoke, she told us not only about her photography, but about her life. When she was in high school, she wasn't the brightest, but when the guidance counselor told her she was better suited for just working in the mall and not going to college, she took it as a challenge and was just that much more determined to attend college. And she graduated with a BA in Communications, only to later go on and get her MFA in Photography. It didn't matter the hardships, or later as she found out, the learning disabilities, she did it anyways.

She didn't start off as a photographer though, because it just didn't occur to her that she could do that as a profession. She'd loved taking photos since she was 8 and went away to summer camp, but to her it could only be a hobby. So after college she went to work for ESPN behind the cameras with the mic equipment and such. She was a sound junkie, but it paid well. She wasn't really happy doing this though, and quit a while after and began the moping phase because she had no job. Her boyfriend (now husband) also worked for ESPN, but he understood her leaving. However, he couldn't stand her moping and after about a week he got in her face (not harmfully though!) and was like "What do you want to do with your life!? What do you want to do!?" and even though she was upset she fired back quickly, "I want to be a photographer!" To which he replied, "Well, then go be a fucking photographer." She told him "Fine, I will!" and at that point was thinking "Well shit... now I have to do it." But she did. And she doesn't regret it for anything.

During the time she spent at college for photography, she spent a total of two weeks as a department store portrait photographer, but because they gave you a book on exactly how to do everything, she just couldn't take it and quit. She wanted to be uniquely her own and creative, and that just wasn't cutting it. She did find work after college anyways though.

For a while she worked as a photojournalist for a local paper, but she didn't really feel she was capturing the true emotions behind the story because she just didn't have the time. Still, she worked with them for two years, and got a very good basis on what she could do, but it just wasn't her true calling.

So she set out to do her first documentary. She and eight other women from the NPPA (National Press Photographers of America)each spent a year documenting the life of one woman they had found who was a single mother on welfare. After that year they brought together all of their photos for a traveling show of them, but it wasn't they who spoke at the show. They also brought together all nine mothers, who spoke about what it was like being on welfare, and how degrading the laws were at that time. And they made a difference. This personal project of sorts led her into paid work, and to her true calling: Documentary Photography.

She has basically pioneered the field of profiting off of documentary photography as well. She has no debts except the mortgage on her house, and she can become "retired" (because that's when she can do whatever she wants photographically, like she'd ever stop shooting ♥) by the age of 55 at this rate.

She really doesn't profit off the selling of prints, but instead off of her time spent. Usually she just figures it into the budget on a grant, or whoever she's doing the work for, but even with her portraiture and stuff she only charges for her time. It's amazing. But what's more amazing is that she is a self-published woman, who did so by opening her own publishing company.

The first book she published, and the entire reason she opened the company (mortgaging her house to do it!) was to publish "Sisters of Courage: Survivors of Breast and Cervical Cancer", which was a project she had pitched to the experts in that field when she was merely asked to do a Public Service Announcement (PSA) and a pretty brochure up. She told them that wouldn't work, and suggested doing a display of photos and essays of women's stories about it, and show it publicly to spread the word about early detection. They loved it, but when she later suggested the book they didn't think it'd sell but told her she could try if she'd like. She took out a loan for it, and within three weeks had sold not only enough books to pay off the loan (boy was the bank shocked!), but all the other money made off it was given back to the Breast and Cervical Cancer Early Detection Center to help sponsor things like mammograms. One mammogram costs about $100... after those first three weeks she cut a check for $10,000, that's ten-thousand dollars, to go to them. And that's after giving all the women a free copy of the book. The book sells for about $20, and she is down to the last copies.

The next book she went on to publish was stalled at the printers due to 9.11. It is about a Firefighter who is retired, and all his stories because they are so vibrant and heartful. It almost was not published because of 9.11 though, since she didn't want to do more harm than good with it. Proceeds from this book are given to the Pepper Snow Camp, which is a camp that provides a free skiing trip to children who are severe burn survivors. This book was published on good words from a friend of Beth's who was a firefighter in NYC during 9.11, who told her that this book would help to heal. The last picture is haunting to him, because he said "It really was that way. A lot of shoes were never claimed by their owners after the tragedy." The book is called "Captain, He Bought Eggs", and is definitely worth the read.

The third book she published was at the request of the Thoracic Oncology Advocacy, who originally called her to do a PSA and Brochure for lung cancer, and she convinced them otherwise, and to do it the way she had done the one for breast and cervical cancer. To her though, this is her saddest project because so many of the people whose lives she became close to have passed away. Most people don't survive lung cancer. This book showcases their faces and stories, and the money goes to the research to help cure this cancer and raise survival rates. It's called "The Faces of Lung Cancer".

Since then many others have contacted Beth to do similar things, and all foundations provide the money. One that amazes me though, is that she documents the historical buildings in her area of Florida before they are demolished. She and the photo club she started while working at the Arts Center get calls from the city to do so. It's a project I would love to help with.

She also helped orphans by doing portraits of them for the Heart Gallery, so that they no longer had to try and sell themselves at parties and such. Instead it allows people to see their photos, and listen to a voice recording instead.

She has done so many other projects of such nature, and is really a selfless woman. Selfless enough to join the Coast Guard as well, to do photography for them. She forced them to make her a Petty Third Class Officer instead of a high ranking official though, and the guy protested that someone with her brains should be high ranking and he'd get in trouble doing otherwise. She asked him if she could be sent out to do up-front photos as a high-ranked officer and when he said no she went with the highest she could be and still get those photos. Upon the protest she said "Do you want me to sign or not?" and that seemed to do it. So she is a Petty Third Class Officer of the United States Coast Guard. Wow.

I could go on forever talking about this woman. Simply incredible. Absolutely and totally love her. She told us we had better not price low because we're students as well, and not only that, but that we could contact her about anything and she would love to see our work. It's nice to have another link on that support system. I really think that after Hallmark I am going to try and take a week or two to go down to Florida and study with her for a bit. Eventually I definitely will, I know that, I'm just not exactly sure when or for how long.

And yes, I bought and she signed for me all three books. They're now treasures.

Links:
●Beth Reynolds: The Photo Documentary Press
●The Heart Gallery
●A Photo A Day
●Truth With a Camera
●YWCA: Empowering Women
●Purses and Passion
●Faces of Lung Cancer
●The Hindman Settlement School
●The Chronicle of Philanthropy

Bored Sick

2008-01-27T06:34:00.000-05:00

So for the rest of the week I was fairly sick, and missed from Wednesday to Friday. >.<; Thankfully Wednesday was only guest speakers, so in reality I missed two days of classes instead of three. Still, not good. I am feeling better though, which is all that matters.

Because I was sick though, I didn't head back to NY for the weekend, and I missed out on Genericon. :( That makes me sad, because that really did promise to be a lot of fun. Well, there's always next year I suppose.

What also sucks though, is how ABSOLUTELY BORED I have been. Seriously... I felt like I was going insane I was that bored. And it's a lonely kind of boredom too, which just makes it worse. :\ I can now vouch for the fact that such emotions do evoke a enormous craving for dairy products such as ice cream, and yes I did give in to temptation. ♥ I'm glad I did, too, because it was yummy. Quite thankfully, my stomach agreed and did not get upset. ^^

This boredom did breed some new photo ideas though, so I'll be exploring them in the CS soon enough. And it'll be fun. ^^ Just have to remember to bring in my stuff and what not. It'll be cool though. I might even do a test shoot later... who knows.

What I'd really like to do though, is hit up the arcade again. So we shall see. :3

Only time will tell. And speaking of time, I've yet to go to sleep. So guess where I'm heading? x3 Night! ~♥

Whoo Baby, it's a Slowing Down... Kinda

2008-01-24T12:10:00.000-05:00

So after Saturday things have sort of slowed down. Sunday I went to the school and helped both Heidi and Lindsay out with their historical recreations, and Lindsay and I did some shopping which allowed me to meet her friend Marissa. So that was pretty cool. Lindsay also came over to my apartment until about 1am and we chilled, chatted, and got my self portrait done. Coolbeans. First person I've ever had over to the apartment from Hallmark for any serious length of time. It was nice. Lindsay says she wants to take me shopping. Sounds like fun to me!

On Monday it was a holiday, so I went to Noho (Northampton) to get my two models from Smith. Rachel and Sierra came out to Hallmark with me, and I shot a good chunk of high-key portraits. I don't know that any of them are what I'm looking for to add into my portfolio, but they're still great photos and made for good practice. Not only that, but their friends will see them, ask about them, and I could gain more models from it. Gotta digg connections! I still have a good chunk of editing to do from that though, so it'll be a while until I post any of those.

Tuesday was just a lot of lectures. We learned a new trick in Photoshop, and we learned a bit more on how to market to whatever out target market was going to be. Nothing exciting there except David Langley's commercials. One had reused the Last Supper, and it's slowly panning in... and then you see Jesus put an alkasetzer in his goblet. It was hysterical. The other one was of a couple that was pretty much ripping clothes off because they were hot for each other, and when they got to the zipper it wouldn't open. And the ad was for some zipper company whose slogan on that ad was "Will open when you want it to." It was great.

Wednesday and today I've missed, because it's that oh-so-special time of the month, and it's hitting really hard. To the point that leaving bed only happens if it's absolutely necessary. So I will be speaking with my doctor about this after Hallmark, because I can't be having this again. Not one bit!

Wednesday was just guest lectures though, so I didn't miss anything too terribly important there, and today I only had two classes as well, so making them up and getting the notes shouldn't be too bad.

In the mean time I'll probably just work on editing and my Career Business Plan. So I'll at least be productive.

Also, I'm curious, do you think that I would do well selling prints on Etsy? I'll probably have a poll up soon enough, but until then just leave a comment. I don't bite, promise.

Greenfield is a bit too friendly

2008-01-19T21:12:00.000-05:00

So I went out today, and I met a new friend off the internet. Her name is Beth*, and she was a lot of fun to be around. We went to a little cafe and had some cinnamon buns and I got a Hot Cocoa as well, and chatted for two hours. TWO WHOLE HOURS! It was so great. ♥

Before we were left alone though, her dad was there. And that was good to see, because it means he cares about her safety. We shook hand and introduced ourselves, chatted for a bit, he got a coffee, and left. I found out later tonight that I made a very good, strong first impression on him from that handshake. Never thought it'd come in handy for anything other than business, but I have always prided myself on it. Glad it was worth the pride. ^^

While we were there this lady was like "You know, you can get a ten dollar card for here if you do two home improvement reviews blah blah blah..." Seriously lady... do we LOOK old enough for that? It was just one of those moments when you went "Wow... desperate much?" But oh well. We were polite about it and then we were on our way.

...TO THE ARCADE! Where we totally hit up the DDR machine with this guy named Pete. He was super nice and a great guy, and he even gave me his phone number so I can call him to model for me in the studio for my portfolio. HELLS YEAH!

Unfortunately, the day just COULDN'T go completely smoothly... oh no...

So we're playing DDR and this black guy with some little white child (maybe 12 years old... maybe) come over. I have no idea what their relationship was, but anyways, so the black kid says the little guy'd like to play with one of us next. I said I'd play with him, since we both were fairly novice at the game and I was at his skill level... maybe a bit more advanced. Yeah, I know, pathetic. >.<

Anywho, so they step back a bit to wait for Beth* and Pete to finish, and I was standing behind the machine watching when the black kid waved me over. I went over, and my inner alarm is going "DON'T GET CLOSE!"

Well, it was right. The first words out of his mouth after he got my name and age, were "So do you have a man?"

I politely told him no, and so he PROPOSITIONS ME FOR SEX! Are you kidding me!? You don't pick girls up in an arcade for one thing, and secondly, do I look like a whore to you!? My goodness...

Anyways, he asked why... and I told him I was a lesbian. Well that was the wrong thing to say because now he's going on about "munching box" and "voyeurism" and all this raunchy stuff. Seriously, I'd like to kick him in his teeth. Especially because I really wanted to say "Hey, my eyes are up here idiot."

But the little kid saved me by piping up: "My aunt's a lesbian too!" Thank god for kids and their innocent way of redirecting conversation.

So I played with the kid, but before that the black kid propositioned me to go out and smoke, and then do weed. What part of "no" did this guy NOT get? Seriously...

But he left and I felt a bit better. After that Beth* and I hit a book shop where I bought two used and good-condition manga for $9.50, which is 50cents CHEAPER than one new manga... ♥

After that she showed me the GLBT Staircase to Heaven... it's amazing. I WILL be going back for photos. ♥♥♥

Sadly we did have to part ways after a bit, and so I walked home and she did the same. But my fun-filled day wasn't over yet...

On my way home some drunk comes up to me and goes "Wanna sit for a shot?" And I was thinking "Oh crap, he wants to have a drink with me!" so I told him "Sorry, I'm underage." Well this got him going! He starts telling me he's not propositioning me for sex, just wants to talk, can't I walk and talk, that we're going the same speed...

So I said yeah, I can walk and talk. He went on about the sex thing again, I told him that I'd have sensed that and kicked him in the balls if I felt I were in danger, and he said that'd leave a black and blue. Then he said he was turning the corner and we had our goodbyes.

Greenfield... is just way too friendly. I think I need to carry a knife or something... o.O

* Name changed on her wishes.

Studio Time -vs- Weather Conditions

2008-01-17T19:11:00.000-05:00

So tomorrow's weather is supposed to be shit... Which means I might not get into the Commercial Studio like I'm scheduled to be to shoot some glassware and pop 'n drops. D: It would be helpful to get in there, but at least if I can't I'm not missing any classes like I did today. >.< It'll allow me to give the plows time to maybe decide to come out and clean up the roads... if they feel like it. Still, going in after the worst is over is usually a better plan.

But yes, I was sick today. Ate a dinner-in-a-box thing last night, and they failed to put "massive amounts of garlic" in the ingredients, and guess who can't stomach a lot of garlic? That's right, I can't. So I was sick through the night and still wasn't feeling good this morning so I bailed on classes. This afternoon was studio time, and I bailed on that too since I hadn't been able to plan with anyone to do my self portrait and get some help with the fine-tune focusing and such. No matter, I'll get someone to help me this weekend. ^^

Speaking of this weekend, I actually have two models lined up for High Key shots, and I am going to get my Historical Recreation and Self Portrait done. YAY! \OwO/ It'll be a successful weekend. ^^ Mostly because Monday is a holiday. Thanks Martin Luther King Jr.! xD

I also might have child portraiture covered soon... Just waiting to hear back from the mother.

I also need to get in touch with Jan at the National Bottle Museum to see if she'll let me borrow a piece of uranium glass for my portfolio. That shit is radioactive when heated up to melting point and glows under a black light! HOW COOL WOULD THAT BE IN MY PORTFOLIO!? If I can't bring it here, I'll try and set up a small studio there to get a good shot. x3

So yes, the only productive things I did today were make peppermint fudge (I need to figure out a way to safely mail some to Miss. M...) and archive a bunch of files off of my computer to free up space.

Works for me! ^^

Bragging Rights

2008-01-15T22:09:00.001-05:00

So as many photographers out there already know, Olympus has come out with the new E-3 DSLR. What many also know, is that there is a contest for it going on. HOWEVER, this contest is ONLY open to the top ten schools that Olympus feels produces quality work. And guess what folks... Hallmark is on that list. Which means I have an opportunity to enter a very select contest. They sent the school two of the cameras as well, which are now in the Equipment Room for us.

As with any contest, there are rules and prizes. The rules don't matter really, just the prizes, at least for you folks.

So yes, if you win you receive:

"The Prizes

Students are encouraged to submit their very best work, as the three winners will be awarded the following prizes. The three students' respective professors will also be awarded the E-3 camera, lenses and accessories.

* $5,000 Scholarship
* Olympus E-3 Digital SLR Camera
* Two New ZUIKO Digital Lenses - the ED 12-60mm (24-120mm equivalent) f2.8-4.0 SWD and ED 50-200mm (100-400mm equivalent) f2.8-3.5 SWD
* Olympus travel bag and lens cloth " -E-3 Contest

You bet your ass I'm entering to win!

Phase III Workload

2008-01-15T21:04:00.000-05:00

So as I mentioned in my rant, we have quite the workload for Phase III. However, today we were told more specific details on it, and so I will share it with you. Thoughts and ideas are always appreciated! Also, if you have something I might be interested in borrowing to shoot, let me know, because that'd be awesome. All images would be yours to use, within reason. I also need models, if you're available or know someone who might be.

Long assignments from Phase I are:
Press Release due ...(will find and update)
Photo Assisting to TWO Professional Photographers due In May (will find and update)

So rolling over from Phase II into Phase III we have:
Photo Essay due 1.16.2008
Window Light Portrait due 1.21.2008
Self Portrait due 1.21.2008
Art Historical Reference due 2.01.2008
Stationary due 2.01.2008
Election Day Coverage due 2.05.2008 (covered on same day)

Then for Phase III we have:
Career Business Plan
-PART I: A statement of goals and plan of action to achieve them.
-PART II: Your advertising strategy, Resume, Cover Letter, and Promotional Piece.
-PART III: Your personal net worth statement, equipment inventory, and a statement of cash flow.
Portfolio Pre-visualization (examples of what you want to specialize in)
A PR and Casual (Alt) shot of the same person in studio
In-Home Family Portrait
Occupational Environmental Portrait
High Key Portrait of a Woman in studio
B+W Low Key Portrait of a Male in studio
In-Office Executive Portrait
Child Portrait in studio (7 years or younger)
Outdoor Portrait of a Person
Four Pop+Drops (catalog photos) done in studio that interrelate
Colour Photography and Brochure Design
Shot of a Metal Object or Objects in studio
Shot of Glassware in studio
Product Illustration for an Advertisement
Interior Architectural Shot (abandoned buildings frowned upon sadly by judges)
Digitally Altered Image
Product Illustration for a Product Sheet
Digital Portfolio on DVD
PDF Portfolio for school assignment Dropbox

All Phase III assignments are due on 2.25.2008 at 8:30am

So um... yeah...

Anyways, if you would like to lend me something, model for me, or know someone who might, leave a comment. I offer a free 8x10 of your choice from any modeling session, and like I said, if you send me your product, I'll send you digital files for your website.

And even though I have such a heavy assignment list, I want to shoot for myself too. I am doing senior portraits (I do have a drape), and I'll pretty much get whatever shot you need. So if you need one, let me know and I'll send you prices. I only give out free stuff if the shoot is something I asked you to do, not the other way around. And lets face it, I'm a starving artist because I didn't have the time to save coming right out of high school. xD

So yes! Drop me a line! ^^

Hallmark is Bad Karma that's Fun

2008-01-15T20:46:00.001-05:00

So it has been decided: Hallmark is the greatest school for photography, but it brings you terrible karma. For some reason, anyone who comes here, at least the vast majority I've talked to, has found that things in their life suddenly seem to turn upside-down and just plain go wrong. I mean, I've gotten pulled over, got a ticket, gotten very sick, had more car issues than I can shake a stick at, ect... Another classmate might have leukemia, and yet another is getting called into the service.

And yet it is still one of the most enjoyable years of my life. I don't think I'd trade it for anything. I am having a blast here, when I'm not having a bad day, and it's just great.

Today was no exception.

Rich gave us pleasure by speaking about the first time he went to get calves for his studio, and the farmer had his arm in a cow's ass (we think possibly vagina) up to his shoulder and stuff, and then later they were told by a farm hand that those babies would really suck anything you put in front of them. It was hysterical.

Then Dick spoke with us about the funnier things fellow instructors have done. xD Thanks Dick, can't wait to see that at graduation when we can be friends instead of student-teacher.! Haha. He also dropped the f-bomb on accident. WHOO! I love teachers that can do that, because it can lighten the atmosphere.

Of course, I had to pull a funny with him. First you must know that in Rich's class we were informed that bubbles captivate children and can make them smile for portraits because it helps relax them. So when Dick asked how you would relax your adult clients and stuff, yadda yadda I said "Bubbles!" The whole class died laughing and Dick did not get it as well. xD But it was a good moment nonetheless. ^^

Also, I didn't tell you this yesterday, but Jay Maisel had one great quote in regards to being too shy. It was between himself and his father at a gathering:
"F: Why aren't you dancing? You love to dance!
JM: Because they'll all laugh at me.
F: Do they laugh at you?
JM: Yes
F: Fuck 'em. Who cares what they think?"

The only good memory I have from him. Old people are funny.

On the flip side, I like doing window light portraiture. Lemme enlighten you with one of a few good shots. This is the only one I have edited thus far:

NFWL: Hello There Handsome... by *Saknika on deviant ART

The "Rantiest rant I will ever rant during my entire ranting career" Rant

2008-01-14T18:32:00.000-05:00

Okay, seriously, let me say a few things before we take a trip to Rantsville.

First off, Hallmark is amazing and offers more than I ever hoped for. The other thing is that I'm usually not so negative, but it was a bad day.

Onto my bad day!

So I commuted in from NY this morning because I was too tired to last night and late dinners don't help. Also be aware that on Saturday I fell down icey steps and hurt my leg pretty badly, so its been stiff and sore ALL DAY. Got a nice shot though, so I'll share that at the end to make it all better.

Anyways, MA got the same amount of snow as NY, but APPARENTLY they keep their gas prices low by spending tax dollars not on snow removal, but paying off the oil ~~monopoly~~ companies. I say this because they could not even keep the highways clear. You KNEW you had crossed the state line because suddenly the highway was SHIT. If I were grading MA on snow removal, I couldn't even be kind enough to give them an F.

Then some tanker got in the fast lane where I could do their cutesy 40mph limit, AND SLOWED TRAFFIC DOWN TO 15MPH! All because it was 10mph in the right hand lane! BULLSHIT!

Now I had allotted an extra 30 minutes to get to school. But because people in MA can't drive, and can't plow, I spent all my extra time with slow traffic. It took me 20 minutes just to go two miles from exit 26 to exit 27.

Classes didn't start until 9am today because we had a guest speaker (whom I didn't care for at all), but I had gotten two lenses out of the equipment room that had to be in by 8:45am.

Now, my journey from my home to college is about two hours and fourty-five minutes. It's only two and a half if I'm going to my apartment. So I left at 5:30am to be there by 8:45am at the latest.

According to Joey, we were in the middle of a Nor-Easter and accumulating 2" of snow an hour. People, it was flurrying and after three hours there was barely half an inch of snow on all parked cars. Not only that, but visibility was a good 500ft. That's flurrying, not a Nor-Easter. But even though they knew in advance that this was coming, they couldn't get their asses in gear and be prepared. So there was pretty much no schools open today in Western MA. Honestly, MA folks, never ever EVER move to NY, because we will kick your ass SO HARD with our winter cleanup and driving skills.

But of course, since it's Hallmark, the equipment was late anyways and I get nailed for it. So over-cautiously plan if you go here, they take no prisoners.

AND YET IT GETS BETTER!

So then we had the boring beyond boring Jay Maisel come speak. He's probably a really great guy, but his presentation was so boring that I couldn't even sleep. So I played solitaire on my iPod through it.

After that it was an extra half hour for lunch. And I drove again. Mind you, the snow has let up, the sky has cleared quite a bit, and it's been three hours. STILL NO PLOWS! And of course a Masshole decided to brake in a turn, so I had to too, and I lost control of my rear end. I don't know how I managed to stay in my lane and not spin out. It was a miracle if I ever saw one.

Got lunch though, and got back. Ate, then went and found Andi in the DL. Calmed a bit.

But then we get nailed with all 18 of our assignments, plus two others for a total of 20... all due in 6 weeks. Plus we have a few assignments from Phase II that rolled over into Phase III. We switched groups, and we're starting a whole new system for using the studios.

At least half of these assignments require models as well. Four of which must be shot in the studio. And we can not use the same model in two different assignments. Nor can we use our fellow Hallmark students as models, or the faculty and staff.

On top of this, I missed an assignment that was due at 7:45am, along with about 3/4 of the school. Who the hell makes an assignment due at 7:45am when classes don't even begin until 9am!? And I almost missed turning in two others at 5:15pm because I had to get them off my laptop, onto the school computer, and print them plus make PDF files to drop onto the correct folder on the administrative server. So I probably screwed something up there too.

All this, only to come home to my apartment, lug my heavy suitcase and stuff up an icey hill (no one believes in salt here either, my landlady included), into my apartment...

And then it really hit me that Mizu is dead. It was comforting to walk in and see him swimming around, and to talk with him, and just plain take care of him. It was a stress relief in so many ways that I never noticed until now. You really can't notice it until it's gone...

So I'm a shaking, crying mess. I'm freaking out, I'm stressed, the road rage is not leaving, and today was just generally a very, very, VERY bad day.

If I can walk tomorrow, it's going to be a miracle because my leg is already throbbing from the sitting and then rushing I did today.

Days like these make you wonder if it's really worth it. But quitting now would just make it my biggest regret, and it'd let so many people down who are cheering me on. So lets switch to good stuff.

So on the good side, I sold a print on DA, and I took a pretty picture. Here's the pretty picture:

Stepping Along Thin Ice by *Saknika on deviant ART

Whoo! \OwO/ Photo Essay!

2008-01-13T10:27:00.000-05:00

So for Hallmark we had to shoot a photo essay, and we had to have:
1. A Portrait
2. The person in action
3. A detail shot of the area
4. The general area
5. A creative shot of your own doing
6. The final product

So I went to where I do glass, and did a photo essay on flameworking. Since it is photo journalism, no retouching was allowed. Still, I really love how it came out. And I am soooooo glad I had my 5in1 reflector so I could scrim off the light on the metal and glass. xD Otherwise they wouldn't have come out as nicely.

If you can't tell, I had a blast. And Larry failed to break the camera like he said he would. xD

If you live near Ballston Spa, New York, let me know. Because that is where he is located, and he does classes on the weekends and Tuesdays.

$5 for teens
$12.50 an hour for adults
$100 for the marble class (it's like 6 hours)

Look and love!

Photo Essay: Flameworking by *Saknika on deviant ART

Halfway Point

2008-01-11T14:06:00.000-05:00

So today marked the last day of Phase II. O_O WOW! It seems like just yesterday I was walking through those doors for the first time as a Hallmark student, and now we're HALFWAY DONE! Holy crap!

Come Monday we're going to get new groups, new section letters, and plenty of new assignments. We're also changing how the show is run, because instead of scheduled studio time, we're just getting open studio time to shoot in. We'll be more in control of what we shoot and when, and much more responsible for good time management. We're still going to have classes, and learn new stuff, but Phase III is where we really start bringing in our creative side. So that's pretty cool. I'm excited!!!

Today definitely was a good last day, too, because we had Rich Barnes teaching us about group portraiture. And how does he do it, but of course hands-on! xD It was great, we had at least 20 people posed in this huge "family" group shot on stage. I, of course, was there from the beginning. Rocca got pulled into it too because he decided the couch made a nice bed. xDDD It was a lot of fun, and there was groping, joking, laughing, and the likes going on. All in good fun, I promise. Jenny managed to take a picture of the final product, so as soon as I can I am getting a copy of that file. I will post it here as soon as I have it. Hehe

Rich told some great stories too. They included:
Finding a used condom under a client's couch when shooting an in-home family portrait that belonged to their son.
The old lady in the nursing home family portrait that had a seizure it seemed every time the flash went off.
The two fighting women,who were in their 40s and 50s and sisters, who came out ready to pose and one had a gouge on her head while the other had hair clumps on her.

Rich has some of the best stories, yes? xD He's a great guy, I love him.

But yeah, that was the jist of the day. So now I am preparing to head back to NY so that I can shoot my photo essay and window light this weekend. Also have to edit my high key and small product shots for Monday. There's no rest for a college student.

Also, RIP to Mizu, my Beta Fish. I found him dead this morning around 5am when we had quite the out-of-season thunderstorm. Looks like he had severe hemriging near the gills. May he rest in peace. October 20th 2007-January 11th 2008.

Oh How Time Flies!

2008-01-09T20:08:00.000-05:00

Holy Smokes!

It's 2008!

:o

Anyways, so it's now 2008, and vacation is over. D: I miss vacation already. June can't get here fast enough. xD I'm so loving Hallmark, but I'm really excited to start a business too! Hehe

So over vacation I got to present to the current photography class at my High School, and it was AWESOME! Seriously, they were a great group of students and very respectful, so I would do it again. I spoke about Hallmark, and my experience there thus far, and they seemed very interested. I also brought in my work from when I was in that class, and stuff I've been doing at Hallmark so that they could see. Of course the highlight was telling them that my little cardboard camera was worth six grand. xD It didn't fool them for long. They all just sort of looked at me like, "You're kidding, right?" And then we laughed and it was all good.

Something must have gone well, because I did get an email from one of them asking for more info. ^^ I am always glad to direct potential photographers to Hallmark. It fills me with warmth to know I might be able to help someone find the same joy I have found by coming to Hallmark. It's just one of those great feelings that you don't want to keep to yourself. So that's wicked cool. Hehe.

Other than that nothing eventful happened except me getting sick at my defensive driving course on Saturday. We had to cram two classes together and out of 58 people, maybe three (including myself) weren't sick. Well, after being in close quarters for six hours with all those sick people, I was sick too. So come midnight on Sunday after a nice little nap (that started at 2pm and was only supposed to go for a little bit. Actually woke for supper at 7 and passed out again... D:) I was freaking out because I needed to get back to Massachusetts. And I really felt craptastic not only because I was sick, but because I was depressed at having to go back. I knew that if I could have just one more day I'd be fine, but I had to get the light kit I'd borrowed in on Monday morning, so there was no arguing. So at 4:30am I started my trek back to Massachusetts. I have really gotta stop doing that... ^^;

Anyways, I turned the light kit in on time, and got back a bunch of assignments. Apparently my aerial shots were too fuzzy to get a really good grade, so they're a B. Blah, lets see him (not naming my grader, that's not right) get up in a plane with no clear idea what to do and a lot of turbulence with really dirty windows and then find out if his shots are crystal clear. :P Oh well, I still passed so whatever. After I got my assignments though, I went home because I felt terrible, needed to unpack and get Mizu (My Beta Fishie) inside, and nurse my fever. It wasn't a bad one because I wasn't burning up, but I was definitely warm so yeah. I slept from 8:30am to 7pm. And then managed to fall back asleep at midnight. So there's no doubt that I was not feeling good. But hey, I don't mind the sleep. xD

But as of yesterday I am back on track with school, and getting stuff done. So that's good. Gonna be back in NY for this weekend though to shoot my photo essay. xD Yeah, totally need to do that, and window light still. Kinda didn't get to them over break. ^^; Didn't get to the environmental either, but I'm doing that tomorrow of a local fireman so that's all good. I also have to finish retouching my character portraits, which look AMAZING. I'd show you who it was, but I have to get the model release first. ;)

So yeah, that's the basic update. Hope everyone had a great time over the holidays, and a wonderful new years!

Home for the Holidays

2007-12-28T04:08:00.000-05:00

So I am home for the holidays, and it feels GREAT! I have been waiting what seems like f.o.r.e.v.e.r for this two-week vacation. xD Sadly, it's going by incredibly fast, which means too soon I'll be back to work. *sigh* But at least I'm doing what I love.

Of course, Hallmark couldn't just let us have a vacation, even though they said we really didn't have to do these over vacation... Yeah, right. Because people are going to pass up a chance to work with people they know, or are going to leave so many things to the last minute so that they can stress and panic. Yeah... e_e

So instead, we're all fairly annoyed. But hey... that's Hallmark I suppose.

So this is my list of assignments for my holiday vacation, in no particular order:

Self Portrait
Character Study Portrait
Environmental Portrait
North-Facing Window Light Portrait
Photo Essay (essay done via pictures Dx)
Ideas for the Historical Image Recreation Photo

So like... that's six things to think about. D: Two weeks, six assignments, plus holidays with the families. AUUUUUGH!!!

But at least I had a good Christmas! xD

The other issue at hand though, is that my car is in the shop for repairs. I lost my washer fluid, and wipers, plus the turn signal has pretty much fallen off and snapped wires. Fuuuuun... /sarcasm

I also am still dealing with druggie friend issues. D: Geezus

I do have some of my assignments scheduled to be done though. On the 30th I am meeting up with Miss. M to do a character study because her and Aiden are just the perfect character study. Seriously. And she's a ton of fun, which makes it something to look forward to. :D

Then on the 5th of January I am going to a Honeycreeper concert in Saratoga and I'll shoot that and meet them after the show to do my environmental portrait.

I'm going to try to do my photo essay this Saturday... we'll see. ^^;

As for the north-facing window light... who knows. D:

The 31st I have an eye appointment...

On the 5th I might have to do my driver's safety over again because of a speeding ticket I didn't deserve. Dx Stupid cops...

And somewhere in this I want to do figure studies for a friend, and a waterfall side project for myself, not to mention revisit abandoned buildings in snow.

Yeaaah... I'm busy.

And here I thought I'd get to relax. >_o

Heidi's Xmas Party

2007-12-16T17:55:00.000-05:00

So for the first time in my history at Hallmark, I was invited to a party. And that really meant a lot to me. I don't think Heidi knows just how much it meant to me. I felt included, and that was wonderful.

The party consisted of myself, Heidi, June, Diane, Nicole, and Corrine. It was small, but awesome. We did a white elephant gift exchange, which is where you could steal other's gifts. xD But no one really did, which was great. So now Nicole is growing her own Paparazzi, Heidi has peppermint bricks, Corrine has diffusion rods, June got incense, Diane got playdoh (<3), and I have exfoliating foot soak stuff and lip gloss. I'd say we all made out pretty good.

And of course Diane shared the playdoh with us so we all went back to childhood. xD

We also told Nicole that she needs to bring her Paparazzi in to John Nordell. rofl. x3 It'd be so funny.

Later we watched The Polar Express. I'm sure everyone remembers that book from when they were young, with the bell that only jingles for those who believe in Santa? Well, the movie is really awesome, but totally not a good one for kids. How it was rated PG is BEYOND me. Half the movie would have scared me shitless as a kid, and everyone at the party was in agreeance on that. But still, it was cool. I'd watch it again.

We had a lot of good laughs last night too. It was just... I really felt like I was a part of something. So I had a wonderful time. And we have decided to stage a photo in downtown Greenfield or Turners Falls (we haven't picked where yet) come spring of a cowboy shoot out... with cameras! xD How cool will that be!? We were laughing about it a lot as we planned it out. I hope we really pull it off, because it'd be awesome. We're going to get the outfits, and put cameras in holsters, and instead of a tumbleweed rolling by we're going to have a reflector... xD Oh god it's going to be PRICELESS.

We are the shit. Bow down to us. Hehe <3

Too bad today SUCKED because of the snow and ice storm. Blarg.

Go Elf Yourself

2007-12-14T22:11:00.001-05:00

Ashley showed this to me, and I can't resist sharing. xD

Yes, that's my picture. Tehe ~<3

I Elfed Myself

Hello Mr. Jackfrost...

2007-12-13T19:52:00.000-05:00

So today I gave my 10min speech with Lisa on Producers. It was really a heart-tugger though, because she was so nervous. Still, she got up and spoke and that's all that matters. :) Paul said it was obvious that I was more comfortable on stage.

Gee... ya think? I don't really have issues with public speaking. Sure, it's a bit nerve-wracking, but I'm not worried overall. xD

And David Fraizer gave us the COOLEST FRACKEN ASSIGNMENT EVER! It is a train wreck of AWESOME! We get to do a photographic representaion of any art piece out there. EVEN MANGA. >3 Ohhhh boy. So I'm gonna do... like... FIFTY MILLION OF THEM! <33333333333333333333333 I was so excited in class I was literally bouncing where I sat. ^^; Tehe...

But then it had to go and start snowing. Hard. So now we're in practically blizzard conditions. It sucks. xP Anyone want the snow? I'll give it to ya for free. Dx

Here are photos: Click to see Pictures
And a Video: Click to see a Video

So... enjoy. I totally got the hell out of that school early though. Made it through the attendance for my last class, and then left. Even Tom Purtisto (instructor) told us he was leaving within a half an hour. So that's saying something.

Some people were talking about camping at the school if the roads got too bad. Poor people.

Man is it good to be home. I'm gonna go get some Hot Cocoa and retouch photos.

PS: Anyone wanna shoot couples with me? ^^

Deadly Weddings

2007-12-10T19:02:00.001-05:00

Today was a very humorous day. All thanks to Rich Barnes!

So in Portrait Studio we're moving on to posing couples. And so Rich needed volunteers to pose for him so that the class could see. I was a part of the first set... and let me tell you it was SO odd to have Rich sit super close behind me to show the other girl how to create her pose to compliment mine. But we all just laughed it off. Actually, Mellisa (my posing partner, aka girlfriend lol) were laughing the whole time we were up there. It was great fun! The best part with us was when he was asking general questions, and goes "So how long have you two known each other?" and we just looked at each other and I was like "We've never met", so we introduced ourselves right then and there. xD

But the best was yet to come! He used different people for different posing just so we all could see. And the last set was Ricardo and Josh (later Leslie for the more... intimate stuff...) who were thrilled. But the cameras all came out when Rich was posing them because it was like a gay parade. Lots of huggly-snuggly poses going on here. I am so deadly serious... omg. And Rich had Ricardo lay on the ground... and then on his stomach while he showed Leslie how to lay on top of him. We were ROLLING with laughter. Surprise buttsex much!? OMG... soooo priceless. I wish I had been carrying a little digital for that one. xD It was beautiful. And during this Josh decided to make it a threesome.

God we're terrible. x3

Later in class, because we had ten minutes to kill, Rich told us the story of the WORST wedding he ever shot. Everything was late, his assistant was nervous, and the wedding party wasn't of the terribly kind-natured people. But it couldn't just end there. Nope, while the guests were all doing the Hully Gully (like the Electric Slide... but not...), this one old woman looks up right at Rich's assistant... and just falls over backwards dead! NO LIE!

And when Rich went into work the next day, it was that same woman who babysat his digital asset manager's children. Small world. xD

Seriously though, can you imagine that happening!? Crazy!

In back news, we shot still life in the Commercial Studio, and according to Kathleen I made the perfect Christmas card shot. <333

Merry Christmas 2007 by *Saknika on deviant ART

White-Knuckle Driving

2007-12-03T05:07:00.000-05:00

So it was pretty much white-knuckle driving to get back to my apartment, because I ended up driving through one hell of an icey snow storm. For the first bit of the journey, none of the roads were plowed. So I was going through a good three inches of snow, and it was sleeting. Not. Cool.

You'd think that the highway would be plowed... nope, that wasn't the case. So when you're on the highway and the top speed you can comfortably do is 40mph... things get rough. It was a nasty, slippery mess out there.

When I got down I-90E a bit though, there was some plowing and salting going on, so the roads weren't as bad. But they still sucked, and visibility was still shit. However, we could get up to 65mph, sometimes 70mph when we were really lucky.

Thankfully, I was doing this late at night so there wasn't a lot of traffic. A lot of traffic really would have killed me. Nope, I started around midnight.

Should have started around 3pm before the shity weather hit... but oops...>.>

So anyways, truckers were my savior because if you followed them, you had a bit of an easier drive. I did make the mistake of trying to pass one, and as I got around his spray of whiteness... there was a slow-moving car right there. I locked my arms and hit the brakes. All I could do was pray I didn't spin out, and that I didn't hit them.

We both turned out okay.

There were a few times I came close to losing control of the vehicle too, but thanks to neutral I was good. You really do remember the oddest things in those situations, lemme tell ya.

You could tell when you crossed into Massachusetts though, because the highway went right back to shit. But of course, it is Massachusetts, so I'm not surprised. When I got onto I-91N... it hadn't been plowed once, or salted.

Yeah, time to pick up the pace Massachusetts! You're slacking!

I could understand that Greenfield really hadn't been touched though. My main concern later at night would also be highways. But it honestly seems like they just didn't give a shit and no one is going to plow until morning. I've yet to hear one go by.

But anyways, I just got in not too long ago. Maybe a half an hour? Still, that stupid storm made my nice 2.5 hour trip into 4.5 hours! >.< I only made one pit-stop, in Lee Massachusetts, because I had to pee and I needed gas pretty badly.

I am so glad to be home.

Gonna Get Kicked... xD

2007-12-02T03:39:00.000-05:00

Yeah... I'm fully expecting to get kicked on Monday because I was telling everyone on Friday that I smelled snow coming...

And here comes this massive freaking storm that they expect to dump a ton of snow in the Adirondacks, and at least a foot in Western Massachusetts... Someone is gonna kick me, I swear. lol

So it looks like I'll have to head back earlier on Sunday than I usually do. *shrug* At this rate with the weather, I might not commute home as much anymore. So who knows what will happen. Aside from me being emo-lonely. COME BE MAH FRIEND! <3

I fully expect to be giving those from non-snow regions/states a ride into school too. Cool beans. That means I have a better chance of *gasp* friends! x3

So here's to the fluffy white shit. :d Not. Snow=/=win

The Great Coffee Cup Contest

2007-12-01T06:23:00.000-05:00

So the latest Mandatory-Voluntary contest had the theme of "Coffee Cup". This is what I submitted, and have decided to do a series on. So any suggestions on phrases are loved and welcomed. ^^

Enjoy!

The Great Coffee Cup Contest by *Saknika on deviant ART

PS: My mother said she'd smash the coffee cup against a wall if it went on strike. Now I'm gonna have to report her for mug abuse! lmao xD

Lack of a Sense of Humour?

2007-12-01T06:17:00.000-05:00

I think Michael Merrit, as great a guy as he is, lacks a really good sense of humour. Which is sad, because he seems like the guy who would have one at first glance. I say this because of an experience...

See, myself and Leslie (new person yo!) were in the Imaging Lab (IL) working on our aerial shots. And she asked me if we could submit black and whites... Well I didn't know so she looked it up on the assignment sheet. Turns out they have to be colour shots. So I said "Hey, just go with sepia then! Brown's a colour!" and we laughed. Michael told us though that that's not what they meant, and that sepia is a tone. We knew that, we were just having fun. He didn't even smile. If anything he seemed angry. o.O

I think this is why his classes make me need other mental stimulation. He tries to be funny... he really does... but he just bombs something terrible. I feel bad for the guy, because like I said, he's really nice.

Oh well, I guess we all can't have a good sense of humour. *shrug*

Boob Fest in Portrait Studio

2007-11-29T05:22:00.000-05:00

Some days I meet the best people in portrait studio. Seriously.

So I was in a group with Katie and Heidi. They're both great girls... but because Heidi is such a strict Christian, she doesn't approve of anything naughty... and that definitely makes up a good portion of my personality. Don't get me wrong, we get along great! I just have to really monitor my behavior. xD

Well... next to our bay we had Adam, Alexis, and Elise... who were having a boob fest. So while my group was taking a small break to the bathroom/smoke/ect... I wandered over there. And we all had a boob fest! It went from boobs, to Girls Gone Wild, to sexuality (because Adam was all "How many lesbians are there here!?" and all three of us raised our hands, even though Alexis and Elise are only bi x3), back to boobs... It was just plain funny. Alexis, the lucky girl, had a date with a chick later that night though. How unfair. :(

But Elise and I are getting along really well now. She and I worked together in the commercial studio later in the afternoon, and it was cool because we both agreed we'd just fix our images up in Photoshop. Yup, that's right! We have gone digital in the commercial studio! Super cool, let me tell you. It will take a lot of getting used to though, because we don't use all of the digital censors on our Leaf Aptus Digital Backs and stuff. So we're not always getting the full image we think we are, blah blah blah. But still... helluva lot easier than film! And I don't have to scan it now. x3 So that's cool.

Anyways...

Elise stayed after school with me too, since we had to print. We were there until about 7pm, and then I gave her a ride home since her boyfriend had needed the truck for work.

Yeah... hot chick has a boyfriend. That made me sad, but oh well. She's still a friend and that's all that matters. ^^ What's funny though, is that her ultimate goal is to be an animator for Disney Pixar. xD So after Hallmark, she's going to work for a few years and then go back to school. Pretty crazy, but awesome nonetheless.

So yes, yesterday was pretty cool.

Up to bat today: TABLETS IN THE IMAGING LAB! HELLS YEAH!!!! <33333

Glassware and Airplanes

2007-11-28T05:25:00.000-05:00

All right... I got lax on the entries again. >.<" Gomennasai.

Anywho... onto the two highlights...

GLASSWARE AND AERIAL PHOTOGRAPHY!

Glassware first.

So we shot glassware commercially, and it was a ton of fun. I missed my scheduled time though, so I did it after school. And I still got GREAT results. <3 I seriously am in LOVE with glassware. You have NO idea. I could shoot tons more! So pretty! So if you have an idea, lemme know. And if you have a piece you want photographed... lemme know. ^.~ What's even cooler though, is that over the summer when I photographed my glass beads and flame-working... I was doing it correctly without the knowledge I gained from the commercial studio! o_o How friggin' cool is that!? <333

Then... yesterday I did Aerial Photography... @_@

Don't get me wrong, it's incredibly cool! However I had never been in a plane before... and this wasn't the best first experience. I got incredibly motion sick from all the turbulence, and was cruelly reminded of why I hate roller coasters. Dx But maybe if I take bonine or something and try again, it won't be as bad. Aside from those air pockets that drop you and you feel like the plane is just going to plummet to the ground. >.<" All in all it was really nifty. Tony was a little concerned though because I think I was pretty green at the gills when I stepped off, and I was having a few issues walking. Yeah... tensing your muscles for about a half-hour straight... not good. ^^; But I was good to go... pretty much. Unlike a lot of people who got motion sick, I didn't vomit. So that was good. However, I'm still having a few issues shaking the nauseated feeling from it. Which blows. Oh well. Hopefully, flying in a jet is better than a four-seater (pilot+three people) Cessna fixed-wing aircraft. lol

I think the funniest thing Tony said to me though, was right after I had gotten off the plane and he was asking how it went. I told him it was shakey, and you know what he tells me?
"Hey, now you just have to jump out of one!"
Veeeery funny Tony. You're a riot. xD

Had I had my wits about me, I'd have told him I just did. After all, he never said skydiving (even though that's what he meant lol). x3

So I don't have the aerial photos to show you yet because looking at them was making me nauseas all over again, but I do have glassware! Enjoy!

Commercial Studio: Glass 001 by *Saknika on deviant ART

Commercial Studio: Glass 002 by *Saknika on deviant ART